Kanjibhai arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK .
Kanjibhai stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'
Kanjibhai goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !'
The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'
The newlr arrived Kanjibhai walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain !'
Kanjibhai sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'
She says, 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, Kanjibhai asks her, 'Where are all the British?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Getting Married
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist.. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist.. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely.
Jacob: "How about suppositories?
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and walking sticks?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."
Saturday, March 13, 2010
White Spot
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Discrimination
An Indian goes to Woolworths in Australia . He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Indian goes home and returns with a dog.. He gets to buy the dog food.
The following week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out. He shouts, "What the hell! This is sh...t, you Idiot?"
The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"
The Manager gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Indian goes home and returns with a dog.. He gets to buy the dog food.
The following week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out. He shouts, "What the hell! This is sh...t, you Idiot?"
The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Sitting next to an Annoying passenger : try this
What to do in a flight when you have an annoying passenger sitting next to you ...
1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;
2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:
3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;
4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;
5. Access the Internet;
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven:
7. Take a deep breath and open the site:
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html >
8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you..
Have a good trip.
1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;
2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:
3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;
4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;
5. Access the Internet;
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven:
7. Take a deep breath and open the site:
http://www.myit-
8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you..
Have a good trip.
Monday, March 8, 2010
You can't beat a Gujju
*Mr Patel walks into a bar in Sydney**, orders three pints of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."
Mr Patel replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in London, the other is in Nairobi and I'm in Sydney**. When we all parted company in Nairobi**, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we spent together at the bar at The Norfolk Hotel. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
Mr Patel becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two pints! All the regulars Take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
Mr Patel looks quite puzzled for a moment, then the light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains..."
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."
Mr Patel replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in London, the other is in Nairobi and I'm in Sydney**. When we all parted company in Nairobi**, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we spent together at the bar at The Norfolk Hotel. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
Mr Patel becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two pints! All the regulars Take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
Mr Patel looks quite puzzled for a moment, then the light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains..."
drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though!"
Friday, March 5, 2010
Long Time Friend
A while ago, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with
our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry.
The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet (I
wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honour them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home...Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long-time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for
someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?.... .. .
our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry.
The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet (I
wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honour them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home...Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long-time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for
someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?.... .. .
We just call him 'TV.'
He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer.'
Their first child is "Cell Phone".
Second child "I Pod"
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Alexander's last wishes
Alexander, after conquering many kingdoms, was returning home. On the way, he fell ill and it took him to his death bed. With death staring him in his face, Alexander realized how his conquests, his great army, his sharp sword and all his wealth were of no consequence. He now longed to reach home to see his mother's face and bid her his last adieu. But, he had to accept the fact that his sinking health would not permit Him to reach his distant homeland. So, the mighty conqueror lay prostrate and pale, helplessly waiting to breathe his last.
He called his generals and said, "I will depart from this world soon, I have three wishes, please carry them out without fail." With tears flowing down their cheeks, the generals agreed to abide by their king's last wishes.
"My first desire is that", said Alexander, "My physicians alone must carry my coffin."
After a pause, he continued, "Secondly, I desire that when my coffin is being carried to the grave, the path leading to the graveyard be strewn with gold, silver and precious stones which I have collected in my treasury".
The king felt exhausted after saying this. He took a minute's rest and continued. "My third and last wish is that both my hands be kept dangling out of my coffin".
The people who had gathered there wondered at the king's strange wishes. But no one dared bring the question to their lips. Alexander's favorite general kissed his hand and pressed them to his heart. "O king, we assure you that your wishes will all be fulfilled. But tell us why do you make such strange wishes?"
At this Alexander took a deep breath and said: "I would like the world to know of the three lessons I have just learnt.
Lessons to learn from last 3 wishes of King Alexander...
I want my physicians to carry my coffin because people should realize that no doctor can really cure any body. They are powerless and cannot save a person from the clutches of death. So let not people take life for granted.
The second wish of strewing gold, silver and other riches on the way to the graveyard is to tell People that not even a fraction of gold will come with me. I spent all my life earning riches but cannot take anything with me. Let people realize that it is a sheer waste of time to chase wealth.
And about my third wish of having my hands dangling out of the coffin, I wish people to know that I came empty handed into this world and empty handed I go out of this world".
With these words, the king closed his eyes. Soon he let death conquer him and breathed his last. . .
He called his generals and said, "I will depart from this world soon, I have three wishes, please carry them out without fail." With tears flowing down their cheeks, the generals agreed to abide by their king's last wishes.
"My first desire is that", said Alexander, "My physicians alone must carry my coffin."
After a pause, he continued, "Secondly, I desire that when my coffin is being carried to the grave, the path leading to the graveyard be strewn with gold, silver and precious stones which I have collected in my treasury".
The king felt exhausted after saying this. He took a minute's rest and continued. "My third and last wish is that both my hands be kept dangling out of my coffin".
The people who had gathered there wondered at the king's strange wishes. But no one dared bring the question to their lips. Alexander's favorite general kissed his hand and pressed them to his heart. "O king, we assure you that your wishes will all be fulfilled. But tell us why do you make such strange wishes?"
At this Alexander took a deep breath and said: "I would like the world to know of the three lessons I have just learnt.
Lessons to learn from last 3 wishes of King Alexander...
I want my physicians to carry my coffin because people should realize that no doctor can really cure any body. They are powerless and cannot save a person from the clutches of death. So let not people take life for granted.
The second wish of strewing gold, silver and other riches on the way to the graveyard is to tell People that not even a fraction of gold will come with me. I spent all my life earning riches but cannot take anything with me. Let people realize that it is a sheer waste of time to chase wealth.
And about my third wish of having my hands dangling out of the coffin, I wish people to know that I came empty handed into this world and empty handed I go out of this world".
With these words, the king closed his eyes. Soon he let death conquer him and breathed his last. . .
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
How smart is Your Right Foot?
How smart is Your Right Foot?
Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon.....
Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon.....
While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right Hand. Your foot will change direction.
And there's nothing you can do about it!
Monday, March 1, 2010
UN Survey
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the shortage of food in rest of the world".
The survey was a huge failure..... ... Do you know why?
* In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
* In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
* In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
* In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
* In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
* In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
* And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the shortage of food in rest of the world".
The survey was a huge failure..... ... Do you know why?
* In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
* In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
* In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
* In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
* In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
* In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
* And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
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