Beggars

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London .  Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.. 

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?' 

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'? 


Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'. 


Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3 


Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'? 


Parvinder shows Habib his sign... 


It reads: ..'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'

Credit Card

Everyone in the wedding ceremony were watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room were wondering what did the bridge give to her father.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced

"Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

*The whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom.

HIGH SCHOOL IN AMERICA .... 1959 vs. 2009

Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack. 1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack... 2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged  with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students. 1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD... The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman. 2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist. Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.. 2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations... His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English. 1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college. 2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher.. English is then banned from core curriculum.. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed. 1959 - Ants die. 2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.. The FBI investigates his parents --and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Sardar Forever

Interviewer: What is your birth date? Sardar: 13th October Which year? Sardar: Oye ullu ke pathe___ EVERY YEAR  Manager asked sardar at an interview. Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it? Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.  After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife, Do I look like a foreigner? Wife: No! Why? Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?  One tourist from U.S.A. asked Sardar: Any great man born in this village??? Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!  Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi So Sardar writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.  When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted the mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit behind. I will drive.  Interviewer: just imagine youare on the3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape? Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!  Sardar: My mobile bill how much? Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123to know current bill status Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.  Sardar: I think that girl is deaf.. Friend: How do u know? Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new  Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife! Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!  Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world? Sardar: ZEBRA Teacher: How? Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White  Sardar attending an interview in Software Company. Manager: Do U know MS Office? Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.  Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay " Air hostess said: "B silent." Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay"  Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?" Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...!!!  Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple? Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE

Financial Management

A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.

How? The other beggar asked.

First begger: Some one gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday.
I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-,
and enjoyed the dinner.  When the bill came, I said, I had no money.

The Taj manager called the police man, and handed me over to him.

I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.

A wonderful example of financial management indeed
 

Tintumon

Sardar: Do u know how 2 swim?
Tintumon: No.
Sardar: A dog is better than u! It can swim.
Tintumon: So do u know how 2 swim?
Sardar: For sure!
Tintumon: Then, what's the difference between u and a dog?

Tintumon called FM radio & said
"I've found a purse with Rs.15000/- a credit card & an ID card of Mr.Mani, No.13,Halls rd,kannur….
Radio jocky : How honest ….so you want to return his purse…?
Tintumon : no……. i just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him…

Father and tintumon were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and tintumon was taking it all in with a serious expression. "Dad,"
tinumon said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up …"
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" tinumon finished.

Tintumon was asked to write a sign board for the traffic near the school.
He wrote"Drive carefully! Don't kill the students, wait for the teachers"

prof:chemical symbol of Barium?
Tintumon:BA
prof:For sodium?
Tintumon:NA
prof:wat will we get if 1 atom of BA & 2 atom of NA combines?
tintumon:"BANANA ”

teacher: Write the passive voice of " I made a mistake"
tintumon: " I was made by a mistake"

Tintumon went to his Dad's Friend's home late night.
Uncle offered him to Sleep in Baby's room.
Tintumon refused because the Baby might Cry at Night and went to sleep in the drawing hall.
Next morning he saw a Beautiful young Girl at the breakfast table,
Tintumon : Who are you?
The girl replied,"I am Baby and You??"
Tintumon : I am a Stupid!!!

A professor to tintumon: "what is attention deficit hyperactive disorder?"
tintumon: "JIMBALAKDI BAMBA"
professor: "i dont understand anything"
tintumon: "same 2 you"

Tintumon: Dad, there is a small PTA meeting at school tomorrow…..
Dad: Wat do u mean by a small PTA meeting ?
Tintumon: its… just u, me & the Principal !

Teacher: Write a C program to prevent TITANIC from sinking..
Tintumon:Declare the variable TITANIC as float…!

Recycle Budhha Style...

Buddha, one day, was in deep thought about worldly activities and the ways of instilling goodness in human beings.

One of his disciples approached him and said humbly "Oh my teacher ! While you are so much concerned about the world and others, why don't you look in to the welfare and needs of your own disciples also." 

Buddha: "OK.. Tell me how I can help you"

Disciple: "Master! My attire is worn out and is beyond the decency to wear the same. Can I get a new one, please?" 

Buddha found the robe indeed was in a bad condition and needed replacement. He asked the store keeper to give the disciple  a new robe to wear on. The disciple thanked Buddha and retired to his room.

A while later, Buddha went to his disciple's place and asked him "Is your new attire comfortable? Do  you need anything more?" 

Disciple: "Thank you my Master. The attire is indeed very comfortable. I need nothing more" 

Buddha: "Having got the new one, what did you do with your old attire?" 

Disciple: "I am using it as my bed spread" 

Buddha: "Then.. hope you have disposed off your old bed spread" 

Disciple: " No.. no.. master. I am using my old bedspread as my window curtain" 

Buddha: " What about your old Curtain?" 

Disciple: "Being used to handle hot utensils in the kitchen" 

Buddha: "Oh.. I see.. Can you tell me what did they do with the old cloth they used in Kitchen" 

Disciple: "They are being used to wash the floor." 

Buddha:" Then, the old rug being used to wash the floor...?" 

Disciple: "Master, since they were torn off so much, we could not find any better use, but to use as a twig in the oil lamp, which is right now lit in your study room...." 

Buddha smiled in contentment and left for his room. 

  

If not to this degree of utilization, can we at least make the best use of all our resources at home and in office? 

We need to handle wisely all the resources earth has bestowed us with — both natural and material, so that they can be saved for the generations to come!

Face De-addiction Center

The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the "Heroin Addiction Department (HAD)," the "Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)" and the "Bingo Addiction Department (BAD)." Then she spotted the department she was looking for: "Facebook Addiction Department (FAD)."

It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and iPhones. A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering, "I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows."

A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him.

"Don't worry. It'll be all right."

"I just don't understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the 'like" button."

"How long has it been?"

"Almost five minutes. That's like five months in the real world." The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor. "Please have a seat, Edna," he said with a warm smile. "And tell me how it all started."

"Well, it's all my grandson's fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book."

"How soon were you hooked?"

"Faster than you can say 'create a profile.' I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day -- and more times at night. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India. My husband didn't like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced."

 "What do you like most about Facebook?"

 "It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I'm even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya."

"Who's he?"

 "I don't know, but he's got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous."

 "Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see."

 "Oh yes. I've even connected with some of the gals from high school -- I still call them 'gals.' I hadn't heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who's retired, who's still working, and who's had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they've been on vacation, which movies they've watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I've also been playing a game with some of them."

 "Let me guess. Farmville?"

 "No, Mafia Wars. I'm a Hitman. No one messes with Edna."

"Wouldn't you rather meet some of your friends in person?"

 "No, not really. It's so much easier on Facebook. We don't need to gussy ourselves up. We don't need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That's the best thing about Facebook -- you can't smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I'm pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. "

 "What pic are you using?"

 "Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn't find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon."

 "To make yourself look prettier?"

 "No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That's what I'm using."

 "Didn't your friends notice that you look different?"

 "Some of them did, but I just told them I've been doing lots of yoga."

 "When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?"

 "I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: 'I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.'"

 "What did you do?"

 "What else? I unfriended him of course!"

Blonde Help

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire? " had reached the final Plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 Milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well ...blonde. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde, which would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire! "
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars."Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde.. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks
 

Make me a TV

A teacher from Primary School asks her students to write a essay about what they would like God to do for them...At the end of the day while marking the essays, she read one that made her very emotional.

Her husband just walked in, and when he saw her crying and asked her: - What happened?

She answered - Read essay from one of my students.

Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a television. I want to take its place. Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place, And have my family around ME. To be taken seriously when I talk.... I want to be the centre of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives when it is not working. Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired. And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me... And... I want my brothers to fight to be with me... I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me. And last but not least make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them...

Lord I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like every TV.

At that moment the husband said:- 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!

She looked up at him and said:- 'That essay is our son's"