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Monday, September 5, 2011
Lion goes Onsite...
Sunday, September 4, 2011
A Difficult Judgement
In a small town in India, a person decided to open up his bar shop, which was right opposite a temple.
The temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions, and prayed daily against his business. Meanwhile work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground.
The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the temple authorities on the grounds that the temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through their direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons for the bar shop's demise.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that don't.'
The temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions, and prayed daily against his business. Meanwhile work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground.
The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the temple authorities on the grounds that the temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through their direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons for the bar shop's demise.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that don't.'
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Coffee
Gretchen, a blonde, grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos, and the barista quickly came over to take his order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" Gretchen asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh, good!" Gretchen sighed in relief, "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" Gretchen asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh, good!" Gretchen sighed in relief, "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
Friday, September 2, 2011
Gym
An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the Trainer in the
gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?"
The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"
gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?"
The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Difference
What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.
The ones in the casinos are serious.
Monday, August 29, 2011
How to kill a girl...
Give her a beautiful dress, nice jewellary, costly cosmatics, than lock her in a room without a mirror Tarap Tarap kar maregi....
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Jewish Teeth
In 1936, Morris Rabinowitz, a dentist, fled his native Germany .
He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, well above the limit he could bring into the U.S.
When he arrived in New York , the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Morris explained. "Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy
products, but I am so religious I also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said, "Well, that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Morris replied, "Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so Orthodox that I have separate teeth for Passover meat and Passover dairy food."
The customs official shook his head and said, "You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"
Morris looked around and spoke softly. "To tell you the truth," he said, "once in a while I like a ham sandwich.
He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, well above the limit he could bring into the U.S.
When he arrived in New York , the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Morris explained. "Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy
products, but I am so religious I also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said, "Well, that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Morris replied, "Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so Orthodox that I have separate teeth for Passover meat and Passover dairy food."
The customs official shook his head and said, "You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"
Morris looked around and spoke softly. "To tell you the truth," he said, "once in a while I like a ham sandwich.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
" I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you wish for as long as you live!"
"That's right.........whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
" I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you wish for as long as you live!"
"That's right.........whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Road Sense
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Monday, August 22, 2011
Jack & Jill by NDTV
Here is how the Indian TV news channel NDTV 24x7 would report the Jack and Jill nursery rhyme. All names (except those of Jack and Jill), are fictitious.
Prashant - TV Anchor
Two persons have been injured in a freak climbing accident. Jack and his companion Jill had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after. Live from the hill, our reporter, Amrita Shah, takes up the story.
Amrita Shah
Thank you Prashant. Well, as you say, two persons - Jack and Jill -had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Prashant.
Prashant
Thank you Amrita. What do we know about the hill?
Amrita
Not too much. Jack was going up the hill to fetch a pail of water when he fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after [Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "hill breaks crown of pail-boy Jack"]
Prashant
What news of Jack and Jill?
Amrita
Prashant, it seems that Jack had gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water. We know nothing about the pail, or how heavy it was but it seems that Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. I have here with me, an eyewitness to the accident, Mr Shahid Trivedi. Mr Shahid, tell us what you saw.
Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. [Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Boy and girl tumble down hill. Water spilled"]
Amrita
Jack and Jill. What do we know about them? Are they brother and sister? Are they married? Just what were they doing on the hill together?
Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail a water.
Amrita
And what happened next?
Shahid Trivedi
Jack fell down and broke his crown
Amrita
Go on.
Shahid Trivedi
And Jill came tumbling after.
Amrita
Prashant, there you have it. Two people innocently going about their business to fetch a pail of water when one of them falls down, breaks his crown, and the other comes tumbling after. Back to you in the studio Prashant.
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Water errand ends in tragedy"]
Prashant
I have with me in the studio now, Professor Chandrashekar Belagare from the Indian Institute of Applied Hill Sciences. Professor: a hill; Jack; Jill; a pail of water. A tragedy waiting to happen?
Professor
Well that depends on the hill, the two persons, the object they were carrying and the conditions underfoot. Let us look at the evidence so far.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Clearly, one would suspect that if Jack’s fall was severe enough to break his crown then the surface of the hill must have been slippery or unstable. But I think we’re overlooking something quite fundamental here. Who was carrying the pail? Jack fell down and broke his crown and – this is the key – Jill came tumbling after. If Jack and Jill had
been carrying the pail together, would they not have fallen at the same time? The fact that Jill came tumbling after suggests that Jack lost his footing first and perhaps knocked Jill over as he slipped.
Prashant
Professor thank you very much. So there we have it, two persons – Jack and Jill – went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Later in the programme, Osama bin Laden killed in Abbotabad, Kanimozhi and Raja sent to Tihar jail, Shayad Halwa reveals names of ministers, and
Pakistan launches nuclear warheads against key Indian cities. But next up, join us after the break for a studio discussion about hills, boys and girls and whether water-fetching trips should be supervised. We’ll be right back...
Prashant - TV Anchor
Two persons have been injured in a freak climbing accident. Jack and his companion Jill had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after. Live from the hill, our reporter, Amrita Shah, takes up the story.
Amrita Shah
Thank you Prashant. Well, as you say, two persons - Jack and Jill -had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Prashant.
Prashant
Thank you Amrita. What do we know about the hill?
Amrita
Not too much. Jack was going up the hill to fetch a pail of water when he fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after [Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "hill breaks crown of pail-boy Jack"]
Prashant
What news of Jack and Jill?
Amrita
Prashant, it seems that Jack had gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water. We know nothing about the pail, or how heavy it was but it seems that Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. I have here with me, an eyewitness to the accident, Mr Shahid Trivedi. Mr Shahid, tell us what you saw.
Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. [Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Boy and girl tumble down hill. Water spilled"]
Amrita
Jack and Jill. What do we know about them? Are they brother and sister? Are they married? Just what were they doing on the hill together?
Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail a water.
Amrita
And what happened next?
Shahid Trivedi
Jack fell down and broke his crown
Amrita
Go on.
Shahid Trivedi
And Jill came tumbling after.
Amrita
Prashant, there you have it. Two people innocently going about their business to fetch a pail of water when one of them falls down, breaks his crown, and the other comes tumbling after. Back to you in the studio Prashant.
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Water errand ends in tragedy"]
Prashant
I have with me in the studio now, Professor Chandrashekar Belagare from the Indian Institute of Applied Hill Sciences. Professor: a hill; Jack; Jill; a pail of water. A tragedy waiting to happen?
Professor
Well that depends on the hill, the two persons, the object they were carrying and the conditions underfoot. Let us look at the evidence so far.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Clearly, one would suspect that if Jack’s fall was severe enough to break his crown then the surface of the hill must have been slippery or unstable. But I think we’re overlooking something quite fundamental here. Who was carrying the pail? Jack fell down and broke his crown and – this is the key – Jill came tumbling after. If Jack and Jill had
been carrying the pail together, would they not have fallen at the same time? The fact that Jill came tumbling after suggests that Jack lost his footing first and perhaps knocked Jill over as he slipped.
Prashant
Professor thank you very much. So there we have it, two persons – Jack and Jill – went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Later in the programme, Osama bin Laden killed in Abbotabad, Kanimozhi and Raja sent to Tihar jail, Shayad Halwa reveals names of ministers, and
Pakistan launches nuclear warheads against key Indian cities. But next up, join us after the break for a studio discussion about hills, boys and girls and whether water-fetching trips should be supervised. We’ll be right back...
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