Mama's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Why only Indians are re-born ?

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems.

They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabbana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes' and BMWs instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discounted prices.

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai.

Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!'

The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.'

Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'

Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.'

Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back.. Now, what was the question?'

Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'

Satan says, 'Man, I don't believe this! Hold on.'

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now... These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell,a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire. Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone connection between heaven and hell... I am having such a hard time
controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora shop, which I had to stop...

As a clincher, Satan then said, "I am requesting the Lord to send them back on earth as soon as they arrive as re-birth cases".

Cool facts about Human body

................................................

-Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

-You use 200 muscles to take one step.

-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

-A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

-There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

At this very moment I know well you are putting this last fact to the test...
...now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well. :)

2 Quarts or a Dollar

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.' The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

Some look and act like DUMB.But they are smarter

Never be late

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest was asked to say a few words in the meanwhile. Not being prepared to speak then, he wondered for a minute and then decided to share his experience on the first day in the parish to highlight how one should not rush to conclusions.

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his neighbour. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'....Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late.

Who is your Idol

FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.
DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET!!

FIRST, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW,

THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR IDOL.

It's CRAZY how accurate this is!

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-8
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3
4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator.....)
5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number.....
6) Add the digits together
Now Scroll down

..................




















With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Snoopy
4. Ronald Reagan
5. Bill Gates
6. Mahatama Gandhi
7. Brad Pitt
8. Amitabh Bachhan
9. Anuradha Goyal

I know.....I just have that effect on people.....one day you, too, can be
like me.....Believe it!

P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!

NOW CLICK "FORWARD", PUT YOUR NAME IN NO. 9 AND SEND IT ON!!

Two wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

CEO's Fantastic reply to a Pretty Girl

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York . My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York CityGarden(? ), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)

2) Which age group should I target?

3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks & are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys

4) How do you decide who can be your wife, & who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

Awesome reply:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me...

signed,

CEO
J.P. Morgan

The way it is

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

Don't mess with Indians

A lawyer and an Indian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Indians are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy...

So the lawyer asks if the Indian would like to play a fun game.The Indian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is really, really a lot of fun.

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," the lawyer says.

This catches the Indians attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'

The Indian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Indian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Indian and hands him $500. The Indian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Indian up and
asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Indian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Indians! ! !

The Old Sock

A wise and saintly rich man, sensing his approaching death, called his son to his side and gave him these instructions:

'My son, I shall be leaving you very shortly. On the day when I die, and they have washed my body and come to wrap it in the shroud, I want you to put one of my socks on my foot.. This is my final request of you.'

Soon after this, the old man did indeed die, leaving behind his goods and property, his children and his dependents. Family, friends, acquaintances and neighbours attended his funeral. The body had been washed and was almost completely wrapped in the shroud, when the son remembered his father's wish. Finding one of his old socks, he handed it to the washer of the dead, saying,

'In accordance with my father's last request, please put this sock on his foot.'

'That is quite impossible:' Said the man. 'Such a thing is utterly impermissible in Hindu religion. I cannot act against the Sacred Law..'

Despite this valid objection, the son insisted, 'That was my father's final request; it must certainly be carried out.'

The washer of the dead was unmoved. 'If you won't take my word for it,' he said, 'go and ask the Elderman.. He will confirm what I tell you, that it is not permissible. '

Holding up the funeral, they consulted the elderman,religeous head and scholars, all of whom declared that this was not permissible in Hindu.

Just then, an aged friend of the deceased interrupted the debate with these words to the son: 'My boy, your late father entrusted me with a letter which I was to hand over to you after his departure. Here, this letter belongs to you.' So saying, he gave him an envelope.

Taken by surprise, the boy opened the envelope and read out the contents of his father's letter. 'My son, all this wealth and property I have left to you. Now you see: at the last moment, they won't even let you give me an old sock to wear. When you yourself come one day to be in my condition they will also refuse to let you keep anything . Naked body that all you will be able to carry over from this fleeting world into the Hereafter. So pull yourself together and be prepared. Spend the fortune I have left you, not for the satisfaction of vain desires, but in ways pleasing to Almighty, that you may
achieve honor in both worlds.'

What beautiful advice and guidance for those who can understand!

How to make a child Charming, beautiful.......

How to grow up a Child to make him Absolutely Charming, Beautiful ,Soft-spoken, Sweet, Cute, Funny, Truthful & Extremely Intelligent?????

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Meley Mummy papa se puchho!!!!!

Army Humour

There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions
"What happened on June 6, 1944?"
"We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!"
"What was the turning point of world war 2?"
"Battle of the bulge, sir!"
"What's is the importance of May 12" The Man thought and thought "I don't know, sir!"
The superior then said "Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday"


Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone,told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message.
In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."


On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the
little hand
is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and
120 minutes to "Happy Hour."


Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!
Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"