Saturday, November 27, 2010

Nandan Nilekani's dream - how the national ID card will work

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose ID card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's he..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... You're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jal Vayu.....Your home number is 2x26xxxx, your office 250xxxxx and your mobile is 09xxxxxxxx. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 05, Sir. The total is Rs 500.00"

Customer: "Can I pay by! Credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 23,000.75 since October last year.  That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Nano Car..."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Nano car,...registration number GZ-05-AB-1107.."

Customer: " ?"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... By the way... Aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$%

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir.. Remember on 15th July 2010 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints] 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Bhagavat Gita – 19th Chapter

Change is  a continuous process and Bhagvad Gita is no exception. Chapter No 19 has been added to Bhagvad Gita.


Bhagavat Gita – 19th Chapter


Arjun: Hey Vasudev, how can I do the most heinous and unpardonable act of forwarding junk mail that I receive, to my friends, relatives and revered elders?

Krishna: Hey Paartha, at this moment, none of them is your friend or foe, relative or in-law, young or old and good or evil. You have no escape from following your Net-Dharma. Make haste to log on and send off the junk mail to one and all. That is the only Karma expected of you and Dharma you must follow.


Arjun: Hey Murari ! Do not implore me to do something that pricks my conscience and stirs my soul.

Krishna: O Kunti-Puthra, you are caught in the vicious circle of the Maya. In this material world, you are committed to no one except to yourself, your Dharma and your mouse. Junk mails have existed for the last 25 years and will remain long after you are gone. Rise above the Maya and perform your bounden duty.

Arjun: Lord Krishna, pray and enlighten me on how junk mail is related to the Maya.

Krishna: Vatsa, junk mail is the 6
th element in the universe – Aap, Vaayu, Jal, Agni, Aakaash and Junk Mail. It is at the same time animate and inanimate, living and dead beat. It overloads the system and fills up the hard disk. But it serves one great purpose. It leads people to believe that they are filling their time in an intellectual pursuit by reading and reforwarding junk mail. It gives them a sense of achievement without investing their intellect and efforts. Like the Atman that leaves one’s physical body and moves on to another, the junk mail moves from system to system and never gets deleted or dies.

Arjun: Great Giridhaari, kindly tell me what the true attributes of junk mail are.

Krishna: Neither fire can burn it, nor air can evaporate it. Neither can it be conquered nor can it be defeated. Junk mail is omnipresent and immortal like your noble and eternal soul. Unlike an arrow shot from your bow, many a time the junk mail forwarded by you, will even return to you safely after some months or even years, allowing you to re-re-forward it to the same people.     

Arjun: Great Saarathi, my salutations to you. You have opened my eyes to the cult of junk mail. I was lost in the Maya and have been reading all the junk mail that I keep receiving and doing no other Karma. Now on, I will just press the "Forward" button without reading any of it and send it to all and sundry, friends and foes, relatives and in-laws, young and old. That will surely bring them to their knees in this epochal battle of Good against Evil, in the Kurukshetra.  

Krishna: Arjuna, victory or defeat is not in your hands. Do not ponder over the fruits of your labour. Just keep forwarding junk mail and make one and all go bananas reading it and you will have done your supreme duty. Tathastu.  

Thus Spoke - Lord Krishna

Monday, November 22, 2010

Gender of Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
- House for instance, is feminine: la casa. Pencil, however, is masculine: el lápiz.

A student asked what gender is computer? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The mens group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computadora), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The womens group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (el computador), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still cant think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Story of Appreciation

One young academically excellent person went to apply for a managerial position in a big company.
He passed the first interview; the director did the last interview, made the last decision.
The director discovered from the CV,  that the youth's academic result was excellent all the way, from the secondary school until the postgraduate research, never was there  a year he did not score.
The director asked, "Did you obtain any scholarship in school?" and the youth answered "no".
The director asked, " Did your father pay  your school fees?". The youth answered,  "my father passed away when I was one year old and  it was my mother who paid  my school fees".
The director asked, " Where did your mother work?" the youth answered, "my mother worked as cloth cleaner." The director requested the youth to show his hands and the youth showed a pair of hands that was smooth and perfect to the director.
The director asked, " Did you ever help your mother wash  clothes before?" The youth answered," never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books, furthermore, my mother could wash clothes faster than I could" 
The director said, I have a  request, when you go back today, go and help to clean your mother's hand, and then see me tomorrow morning.
The youth felt that the  chance of landing the job was high and  when he went back, he happily wanted to clean his mother's hands. His mother felt strange. With  happiness  mixed with fear, she showed her hands to the kid.
The youth cleaned his mother's hands slowly and his tears fell as he did that.  It was the  first time he noticed that his mother's hands  were so wrinkled, and that  there were  so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful  that she  shuddered when his  mother's hands were cleaned with water.
This is the first time that the youth realized and experienced that it is this pair of hands that washed the clothes every day to earn him the school fees and that the bruises in the mother's hand were the price that the mother paid for his graduation and academic excellence and probably his future.
After finishing the cleaning of his mother's hands, the youth quietly washed  all the  remaining clothes for his mother.
That night, the mother and son talked for a very long time.
Next morning, the youth went to the director's office
The director noticed the tear in the youth's eye and asked: " Can you tell  what  you did and learnt yesterday in your house?"
The youth answered, " I cleaned my mother's hands and also finished washing all the remaining clothes'
The director asked, " please tell me what you felt"
The youth said, "Number 1, I know what  appreciation is now'. Without my mother, I would not be successful today. Number 2, Now I know how to work together with my mother.  Only now do I  realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done.  Number 3, I know the importance and value of family relationship.
The director said, " This is what I am asking, I want to recruit a person that can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the suffering of others to get things done, and a person that would not put money as his only goal in life to be my manager. You are hired.
Later on, this young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates, every employee worked diligently and as a team and the company improved tremendously.
A child who has been protected and habitually given whatever he needs,  develops "entitlement mentality" and always puts himself first. He is ignorant of his parent's efforts. When he starts work, he assumes every person must listen to him, and when he becomes a manager, he would never know the suffering of  his employees and always blame others. These kinds of people,  can achieve good results and  may be successful for a while, but eventually would not feel a sense of achievement or satisfaction.  If we happen to be   this kind of (protective) parent, this is the time to ask the question- whether we  did/do love our kids or destroy them.
You can let your kid live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn to play the piano, watch a big screen TV but when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plate and bowl together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love and show them the  correct way.  You want them to understand that no matter how rich their parent are, one day they will grow old, become weak and that their hair too will grow grey,. The most important thing is for  your kid to learn how to appreciate, experience and learn the effort and ability needed to work with others to get things done. They should also value, appreciate what the parents have done and love them for who they are!

Monday, November 8, 2010

You are...

You are strong... when you take your grief and teach it to smile.

You are brave... when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.

You are happy... when you see a flower and are thankful for the blessing.

You are loving... when your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.

You are wise... when you know the limits of your wisdom.

You are true... when you admit there are times you fool yourself.

You are alive... when tomorrow's hope means more to you than yesterday's mistake.

You are growing... when you know what you are but not what you will become.

You are free... when you are in control of yourself and do not wish to control others.

You are honorable... when you find your honor is to honor others.

You are generous... when you can take as sweetly as you can give.

You are humble... when you do not know how humble you are.

You are thoughtful... when you see me just as I am and treat me just as you are.

You are merciful... when you forgive in others the faults you condemn in yourself.

You are beautiful... when you don't need a mirror to tell you.

You are rich... when you never need more than what you have.

You are you... when you are at peace with who you are not.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Neighbours

A proposed council tax-evaluation policy will mean reassessment of current house values; which will mean you will be charged more if you live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked in her life.

Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for his racist comments. A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has ever been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. It is not known if they have the same father. They are both out of control.

I hate living near Windsor Castle.....................