Difference

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos? 

The ones in the casinos are serious. 

How to kill a girl...

Give her a beautiful dress, nice jewellary, costly cosmatics, than lock her in a room without a mirror Tarap Tarap kar maregi....

Jewish Teeth‏

In 1936, Morris Rabinowitz, a dentist, fled his native Germany .

He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, well above the limit he could bring into the U.S.

When he arrived in New York , the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Morris explained. "Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy
products, but I am so religious I also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well, that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"

Morris replied, "Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so Orthodox that I have separate teeth for Passover meat and Passover dairy food."

The customs official shook his head and said, "You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

Morris looked around and spoke softly. "To tell you the truth," he said, "once in a while I like a ham sandwich.

Ostrich

A  man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The  waitress asks them for their orders.
The  man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and  turns to  the  ostrich, "What's yours?"
" I'll  have the same," says the ostrich.
A  short time later the waitress returns with the  order. "That will be $9.40 please."   

The man reaches into his  pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The  next day, the man and the ostrich come again and  the man says,  "A hamburger, fries and a coke." 

The  ostrich says, "I'll have the same." 

Again  the man reaches into his pocket and pays with  exact change.
This  becomes routine until the two enter again.

"The  usual?" asks  the waitress.
"No,  this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. 
"Same," says the ostrich. 
Shortly  the waitress brings the order and says, "That  will be $32.62." 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his  pocket and places it on the table. 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any  longer. "Excuse me, sir, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" 

"Well,"  says  the man, "several years ago I was  cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I  would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would  always be there." 
"That's   brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people  would ask for a million  dollars or something, but you'll always be as  rich as you wish for as long as you live!"
"That's right.........whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls  Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The  waitress asks, "What's with the  ostrich?" 

The  man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

Road Sense

It is said that once Russi Mody was on an official trip to (the then) Bombay. Even though it was a Sunday morning, Russi had to visit BombayHouse, the Corporate Head Quarters of the Tata Group. Russi was driving a Mercedes himself as it was a Sunday and there was very little traffic and also it was the chauffeur's day off. Russi was wearing simple shorts and a T shirt. Knowing that he would take just a few minutes to finish his work in Bombay House and that it was a non-working day in the business district with very low traffic, he decided to take liberties to park his Merc in an other-wise no parking zone. A conscientious traffic copnoticed all this and he immediately rushed to Russi who had started sauntering towards the BombayHouse entrance. In a gruff voice the Pandu Havaldar asked Russi. "Kyun bhidu, baap kaa sadak samajh kay rakha hai kya?" Russi very non-chalantly replied: "Haan kuchh aisa hi hai. Aapko English padhna aata hai kya?" Then he gently held the Pandu's arm and walked him to the kerbside and pointed to the metal signage of the road. He asked the cop "Kya likha hai?" The cop said "Sir Homi Mody Street". A mischievously smiling Russi disclosed, "Woh Mera Baap Tha".

Jack & Jill by NDTV‏

Here is how the Indian TV news channel NDTV 24x7 would report the Jack and Jill nursery rhyme. All names (except those of Jack and Jill), are fictitious.

Prashant - TV Anchor
Two persons have been injured in a freak climbing accident. Jack and his companion Jill had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after. Live from the hill, our reporter, Amrita Shah, takes up the story.

Amrita Shah
Thank you Prashant. Well, as you say, two persons - Jack and Jill -had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Prashant.

Prashant
Thank you Amrita. What do we know about the hill?

Amrita
Not too much. Jack was going up the hill to fetch a pail of water when he fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after [Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "hill breaks crown of pail-boy Jack"]

Prashant
What news of Jack and Jill?

Amrita
Prashant, it seems that Jack had gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water. We know nothing about the pail, or how heavy it was but it seems that Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. I have here with me, an eyewitness to the accident, Mr Shahid Trivedi. Mr Shahid, tell us what you saw.

Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. [Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Boy and girl tumble down hill. Water spilled"]

Amrita
Jack and Jill. What do we know about them? Are they brother and sister? Are they married? Just what were they doing on the hill together?

Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail a water.

Amrita
And what happened next?

Shahid Trivedi
Jack fell down and broke his crown

Amrita
Go on.

Shahid Trivedi
And Jill came tumbling after.

Amrita
Prashant, there you have it. Two people innocently going about their business to fetch a pail of water when one of them falls down, breaks his crown, and the other comes tumbling after. Back to you in the studio Prashant.
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Water errand ends in tragedy"]

Prashant
I have with me in the studio now, Professor Chandrashekar Belagare from the Indian Institute of Applied Hill Sciences. Professor: a hill; Jack; Jill; a pail of water. A tragedy waiting to happen?

Professor
Well that depends on the hill, the two persons, the object they were carrying and the conditions underfoot. Let us look at the evidence so far.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Clearly, one would suspect that if Jack’s fall was severe enough to break his crown then the surface of the hill must have been slippery or unstable. But I think we’re overlooking something quite fundamental here. Who was carrying the pail? Jack fell down and broke his crown and – this is the key – Jill came tumbling after. If Jack and Jill had
been carrying the pail together, would they not have fallen at the same time? The fact that Jill came tumbling after suggests that Jack lost his footing first and perhaps knocked Jill over as he slipped.

Prashant
Professor thank you very much. So there we have it, two persons – Jack and Jill – went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Later in the programme, Osama bin Laden killed in Abbotabad, Kanimozhi and Raja sent to Tihar jail, Shayad Halwa reveals names of ministers, and
Pakistan launches nuclear warheads against key Indian cities. But next up, join us after the break for a studio discussion about hills, boys and girls and whether water-fetching trips should be supervised. We’ll be right back...

2 most difficult things

Two things in life that are difficult to achieve:

1. To plant your idea in someone's head.

2. To plant someone's money in your own pocket.

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* The one who succeeds in the former- is a 'teacher'.

* The one who succeeds in the latter- is a 'boss'.

* The one who succeeds in both is a 'wife'.

* The one who fails in both is a 'husband'!

Bath Tub Test

During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the  bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
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'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug.

 Do you want a bed near the window?'

Questions to Sonia...

Once Sonia Gandhi went to a school to interact with the children there. After a brief talk she asked if anyone had any questions. One boy raised his hand.

Sonia: "What's your name"?

Boy : "RAHIM"

Sonia: "What are your questions"?

Rahim: "I've 3 questions...

1.Why did you attack & kidnap Baba Ramdev without approval of Court?

2.Why there is no punishment to KASAB as yet?

3.Why does Manmohan singh & the Congress party not support Baba against corruption?

Sonia: "You are an intelligent student Rahim."

Just then the recess bell rang.

Sonia: "Oh students, we will continue after the recess is over".

After the recess...

Sonia: "Ok children where were we? So, anybody wants to ask a question"?

RAM raises his hand.

Sonia: "What's your name"?

Ram: "I'm Ram and I've 5 questions...

1. Why did you attack Baba without approval of the court?

2. Why no punishment to Kasab as yet?

3. Why does Manmohan Singh not support the fight against corruption?

4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 mins before the time?

5. Where is Rahim? 

On a Safari

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone. She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.

The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion."What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it....!!!!!!"

Wife's Love...

This Guy plays his Final Innings ... !

    

 A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. 

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. 

 

 With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. 

 

 There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. 

 

 Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 

 

 Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly

smacked with a spatula by his wife. 

"Stay out of those," she said, 

"They're for the funeral"

Food Shortage

A world survey recently conducted by the U.S. posed the following question.'Could you please give us your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?' 
It was a huge failure due to the following reasons.

In Africa,no one knows what 'food' is.
In western Europe, no one knows what 'shortage' is.
In Eastern Europe, no one knows what 'opinion 'is .
In South America, no one knows what 'please' means.
In America no one knows what 'rest of the world' means!

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काम वाली बाई 
एक दिन अचानक 
काम पर नहीं आई 
तो पत्नी ने फोन पर डांट लगाईं 
अगर तुझे आज नहीं आना था 
तो पहले बताना था 
  
वह बोली - 
मैंने तो परसों ही 
फेसबुक पर लिख दिया था क़ि 
एक सप्ताह के लिए गोवा जा रही हूँ 
पहले अपडेट रहो 
फिर भी पता न चले तो कहो 
  
पत्नी बोली = 
तो तू फेसबुक पर भी है 
उसने जवाब  दिया - 
मै तो बहुत पहले से फेसबुक पर हूँ 
साहब मेरे फ्रेंड हैं ! 
  
बिलकुल नहीं झिझकते हैं 
मेरे प्रत्येक अपडेट पर 
बिंदास कमेन्ट लिखते हैं 
मेरे इस अपडेट पर 
उन्होंने कमेन्ट लिखा 
हैप्पी जर्नी, टेक केयर, 
आई मिस यू, जल्दी आना 
मुझे नहीं भाएगा पत्नी के हाथ का खाना 
  
इतना सुनते ही मुसीबत बढ़ गयी 
पत्नी ने फोन बंद किया 
और मेरी छाती पर चढ़ गयी 
गब्बर सिंह के अंदाज़ में बोली - 
तेरा क्या होगा रे कालिया ! 
मैंने कहा -देवी ! 
मैंने तेरे साथ फेरे खाए हैं 
वह बोली - 
तो अब मेरे हाथ का खाना भी खा ! 
  
अचानक दोबारा फोन करके 
पत्नी ने काम वाली बाई से 
पूछा, घबराये-घबराए 
तेरे पास गोवा जाने के लिए 
पैसे कहाँ से आये ? 
  
वह बोली- सक्सेना जी के साथ 
एलटीसी पर आई हूँ 
पिछले साल वर्माजी के साथ 
उनकी कामवाली बाई गयी थी 
तब मै नई-नई थी 
जब मैंने रोते हुए 
उन्हें अपनी  जलन का कारण बताया 
तब उन्होंने ही समझाया 
क़ि वर्माजी की कामवाली बाई के 
भाग्य से बिलकुल नहीं जलना 
अगले साल दिसम्बर में 
मैडम जब मायके जायगी 
तब तू मेरे साथ चलना ! 
  
पहले लोग कैशबुक खोलते थे 
आजकल फेसबुक खोलते हैं 
हर कोई फेसबुक में बिजी है 
कैशबुक खोलने के लिए कमाना पड़ता है 
इसलिए फेसबुक ईजी है 
  
आदमी कंप्यूटर के सामने बैठकर 
रात-रातभर जागता है 
बिंदास बातें करने के लिए 
पराई औरतों के पीछे भागता है 
  
लेकिन इस प्रकरण से 
मेरी समझ में यह बात आई है 
क़ि जिसे वह बिंदास मॉडल समझ रहा है 
वह तो किसी की कामवाली बाई है 
जिसने कन्फ्यूज़ करने के लिए 
किसी जवान सुन्दर लड़की की फोटो लगाईं है 
सारा का सारा मामला लुक पर है 
और अब तो मेरा कुत्ता भी फेसबुक पर है  

Escaping realities

A nature lover and engineering professional, camped in the heart of the African jungle, were discussing their expedition.

"I came here," said nature lover, "because the urge to travel was in my blood. City life bored me, and the smell of exhaust fumes on the highways made me sick. I wanted to see the sunrise over new horizons and hear the flutter of birds that never had been seen by man. I wanted to leave my footprints on sand unmarked before I came. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What about you?"

"I came," the engineering professional replied, "because my son was taking saxophone lessons at home."

Head of the family

It is said that Husband is the head of the family.

But remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.

This is why I don't like visiting my rich friends

This is why I don't like visiting my rich friends:

Once when visiting a very rich friend of mine,the maid approached me and asked me.

1- Question :What would you like to have for a drink, fruit juice, soda,
tea, hot chocolate, cappuccino, frappuccino or coffee?

Answer: Tea please.

2- Question : Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea,
iced tea or green tea ?

Answer : Ceylon tea please

3- Question : How would you like it? black or white?

Answer : White

4- Question : Milk or fresh cream?

Answer : With milk

5- Question :Powdered milk or fresh milk ?

Answer : Aah , fresh .

6- Question :Goat's milk or cow's milk?

Answer : cow's milk please .

7- Question : Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?

Answer: umm , think I'll just take it black

8- Question : would you like it with a sweetener, sugar or honey or without?

Answer : with sugar

9- Question : beet sugar or cane sugar ?

Answer : cane sugar

10- Question : white, brown or yellow sugar?

Answer: Oh ya , forget about the tea , just give me a glass of water
instead.

11- Question : mineral water , tap water or distilled water?

Answer : mineral water

12- Question : flavoured or non-flavoured?

Answer : I think I'll just die of thirst!

13- Question : How do you choose to die sir?

Amitabh Bachhan Calls Rajanikanth's Bluff........

Rajnikanth was bragging to Amitabh Bachchan one day, "You know, I know everyone.

Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting,Amitabh called his bluff, "OK,Rajini how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"Rajini said. So Rajini andAmitabh fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, And sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts: ---

"Thalaiva! Great to see you! You And your friends come right in and join me for lunch!" ...Although impressed,Amitabh is still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tellsRajini that he thinksRajini knowing Cruise was Just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else"Rajini says

.."President Obama",Amitabh quickly retorts

..."Yes",Rajini says, "I know him."

And off they go.

At the White House, Obama spotsRajini on the tour and motions him, saying :----

"Rajini, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and Catch up".

Well,Amitabh Bachchan is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope,"AmitabhBachan replies ..."Sure!" says Rajini,

"My folks are from Italy and I've known the Pope a long time".

Rajini and Amitabh are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Rajini says,

"This will never work.

I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.

Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican ..

Sure enough, half an hour laterRajini emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the timeRajini returns, he finds that Amitabh Bachchan has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way toAmitabhBachchan's side, Rajini asks him, "What happened?"

AmitabhBachan looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the pope came out on the balcony and the 
Italian man next to me asked,
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"Who's that on the balcony with Rajini?"

Dying Granny

A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter: "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash".

The granddaughter replied : "WoW!!" 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it??"

Granny says with her last dying breath.....*"It's on my Facebook."

Kids...:-)

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
 
"No!" the children all answered.
 
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
 
Again the answer was "No!"
 
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
 
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"


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“Now, Joseph,” said the teacher to the aggressive youngster, “what do you think your classmates would think of you if you were always kind and polite?”
 
“They’d think they could beat me up,” promptly responded Joseph.
 

Punjabi ABC

This one's not just for Punjabis but for all those who have faced 'Punjlish'.

A is for Aiscreame

B is for Backside, and it has nothing to do with your butt. It is an instruction to go to the rear of a building, or block, or shop or whatever.

C is for Cloney and its not a process for replicating sheep, nor is its first name George. It is merely an area where people live e.g. 'Defence Cloney'.

D is for the proverbial 'Dangar da Puttar'

E is for Expanditure, the spending of money

F is for Fackade, and even though it sounds like a bad word it is actually just the front of a building (with backside being the back, of course). 

G is for Gaddi, and the way a Punjabi can pilot his gaddi puts any F1 driver to shame. (If the Grand Prix does come to Delhi there's no way Hamilton, Alonso or Kimi can overtake Balvinder, Jasvinder or Sukhvinder's taxi.)

H is for 'Ho Jayega Ji', and the moment you hear that you have to be careful because you can be reasonably sure it's not going to happen.

I is for Intzaar, and to know more about it see P..

J is for Jutt, which every Punjabi seems to be.

K is for Khanna, Khurana, etc, the Punjabi equivalent of the Joneses (e.g.'Keeping up with the Khuranas ji')

L is for Loin, the king of the jungle

M is for 'Mrooti', the car that an entire generation of Punjabis were in love with.

N is for 'No Problem Ji.' To find out how that works see H.

O is for Oye, which can be surprise (Oyye!), a greeting (Oyy!), anger (OYY!) or pain (Oy oy oy...).

P is for Punj Mint, and no matter how near (1 km) or far (100 km) a Punjabi is from you he always says he'll reach you in punj mint (5 minutes...).

Q is for Queue, a word completely untranslateable into Punjabi.

R is for Riks, and a Punjabi is always prepared to take one (risk), even if the odds are against him.

S is for Sweetie, Sunny, Simmi and Sonu, who seem to own half the cars in Delhi . (The other half by their Pappas - like 'Sweetie de Pappa di Gaddi')

T is for the official bird of Punjab : Tandoori Chickun.

U is for when you lose your sex appeal and become 'Uncul-ji'

V is for VIP phone numbers @ Rs 15 lakh and counting.

W is for Whan, as in 'Whan are you coming, ji?'

X is for the many X-rated words that flow freely in Punjabi conversations.

Y is for 'You nonsanse', when anger replaces vocabulary in a shouting match.

Z is for Zindgi which every Punjabi knows how to live to the fullest.