Paraprosdokian

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

       

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.  So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.       
2.  Do not argue with an idiot.  He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 
3.  I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.  Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.  
4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on the list.       
5.  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.        
6. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.         
7. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.        
8. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.        
9. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.        
10. Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.         
11. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.
12. A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  My desk is a work station.       
13. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?         
14. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.        
15. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.         
16. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. 
17. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:"  I put " A DOCTOR."
18. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.         
19. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?         
20. Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.         
21. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.         
22. You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.         
23. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!         
24. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.         
25. Some cause happiness wherever they go.  Others, whenever they go.         
26. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.        
27. I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure.         
28. I always take life with a grain of salt . . . plus a slice of lemon . . . and a shot of tequila.
29. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 
30. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
31. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
32. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
33. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Negotiation

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?


Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

Hotel 4 You

One stormy night many years ago, an elderly man and his wife entered the lobby of a small hotel in Philadelphia. Trying to get out of the rain, the couple approached the front desk hoping to get some shelter for the night.


"Could you possibly give us a room here?" the husband asked. The clerk, a friendly man with a winning smile, looked at the couple and explained that there were three conventions in town.

"All of our rooms are taken," the clerk said. "But I can't send a nice couple like you out into the rain at one o'clock in the morning. Would you perhaps be willing to sleep in my room? It's not exactly a suite, but it will be good enough to make you folks comfortable for the night."

When the couple declined, the young man pressed on. "Don't worry about me; I'll be just fine here in the office," the clerk told them. So the couple agreed.

As he paid his bill the next morning, the elderly man said to the clerk, "You are the kind of manager who should be the boss of the best hotel in the United States. Maybe someday I'll build one for you."

The clerk looked at them and smiled. The three of them had a good laugh.

As they drove away, the elderly couple agreed that the helpful clerk was indeed exceptional, as finding people who are both friendly and helpful isn't easy.

Two years passed. The clerk had almost forgotten the incident when he received a letter from the old man.

It recalled that stormy night and enclosed a round-trip ticket to New York, asking the him to pay them a visit. The old man met him in New York, and led him to the corner of Fifth Avenue and 34th Street. He then pointed to a great new building there, a palace of reddish stone, with turrets and watchtowers thrusting up to the sky.

"That," said the older man, "is the hotel I have just built for you to manage."

"You must be joking," the young man said.

"I can assure you I am not," said the older man, a sly smile playing around his mouth.

The older man's name was William Waldorf Astor, and the magnificent structure was the original Waldorf-Astoria Hotel.

The young clerk who became its first manager was George C. Boldt. This young clerk never foresaw the turn of events that would lead him to become the manager of one of the world's most glamorous hotels.

"We are not to turn our backs on those who are in need, for we might be entertaining angels".

Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than the things you acquire..

Market Mechanics

A cold winter!

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more  wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
 
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' The man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'

This is how stock markets work!!!
 

10 commandments for Life

1] Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble; it is a 
"steering wheel" that directs us in the right path throughout life. 

2] Do you know why a car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the rear view mirror is so 
small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, look ahead and 
move on.  

3] Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years 
to write.  

4] Allthings in life are temporary.  If going well enjoy it, they will not last 
forever. If going wrong don’t worry, they can't last long either.  

5] Old friends are like Gold! New friends are Diamonds! If you get a Diamond, 
don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a base of 
Gold!  

6]  Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and 
says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!  

7] When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD 
doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.  

8] A blindperson asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything  worse than losing 
eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision."  

9] When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them; and sometimes, 
when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you. 

10] WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES; it takes away today’s 
PEACE.

Do you hate someone?

A kindergarten teacher decided to let her class play a game. The teacher told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes.  Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates.   

So the number of potatoes that a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people he/she hates.   

So when the day came, each child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had 2 potatoes; some 3 while some up to 5 potatoes. The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go (even to the toilet) for 1 week. Days after days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes. Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended.... 

The teacher asked: "How did you feel while carrying the poatoes with you for 1 week?". The children let out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go. 

Then the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game. The teacher said: "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just 1 week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime???" 

  

Moral of the story: Throw away any hatred for anyone from your heart so that you will not carry sins for a lifetime. 

Forgiving others is the best attitude to take!