Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women, she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19 : Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged..

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

 October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Christmas Story

The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy, “What do you do at Christmas time?”

Patrick addressed the class, “Well, Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.” “Very nice Patrick,” she said.

“Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”

“Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office and we all pile into the Rolls Royce. Then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing, ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus’. Then we all go to the Bahamas.”

Little Known Abbreviations

NEWS : NORTH EAST WEST SOUTH

CHESS: Chariot, Horse, Elephant, SoldierS.

COLD : Chronic Obstructive Lung Disease.

JOKE : Joy Of Kids Entertainment.

AIM : Ambition In Mind.

DATE : Day And Time Evolution.

EAT : Energy And Taste.

TEA : Taste And Energy Admitted.

PEN : Power Enriched In Nib.

SMILE : Sweet Memories In Lip Expression.

BYE : Be with You Everytime. :)

As you wish...

Some one Asked to God-"If everything is already written in destiny,then why should we wish ?

God smiled and said -: May be I had written -"AS YOU WISH"

Marwadi...

Titanic ke Saath Marwadi Bhi Doob Raha Tha.

Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha.


Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?


Marwadi: Shukar Hai Maine Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda

Rashtriya...

दोस्तो हमारा राष्ट्रीय ध्वज तिरंगा है और राष्ट्रिय पंछी मोर है,इसके अलावा जो राष्ट्रीय चिन्ह है उसकी जानकारी निम्न प्रकार है......
राष्ट्रीय रोबोट…मनमोहन सिंह!
राष्ट्रीय गेम चेंजर…राहुल गांधी!
राष्ट्रीय समस्या…मनीष तिवारी!
राष्ट्रीय छिछोरा…एनडी तिवारी!

राष्ट्रीय सेल्समैन…एसआरके!
राष्ट्रीय संदेशवाहक…बरखा दत्त!
राष्ट्रीय रहस्य…सोनिया गांधी!
राष्ट्रीय नतमस्तक केंद्र…दस जनपथ!

राष्ट्रीय खुजली…महेश भट्ट!
राष्ट्रीय बाम…झंडू!
राष्ट्रीय चुगलखोर…स्वामी अग्निवेश!
राष्ट्रीय स्ट्रगलर…अभिषेक बच्चन!
राष्ट्रीय दामाद… कसाब, अफज़ल गुरू और
रॉबर्ट वढेरा के बीच टाई!
राष्ट्रीय कोयल…मीरा कुमार!
राष्ट्रीय पुरुष…अर्चना पूरन सिंह!
राष्ट्रीय महिला…करण जौहर!
राष्ट्रीय गहनों की दुकान…बप्पी लहरी!
राष्ट्रीय ‘बाल’ कलाकार…अनिल कपूर!
राष्ट्रीय नायिका…नरगिस फाकरी!
राष्ट्रीय गायिका…डॉली बिंद्रा!
राष्ट्रीय गर्लफ्रेंड…दीपिका पादुकोण!
राष्ट्रीय रईसज़ादा..सिद्धार्थ माल्या!
राष्ट्रीय बकता…नवजोत सिंह सिद्धू!
राष्ट्रीय टेलीफोन ऑपरेटर…दिग्विजय
सिंह!
राष्ट्रीय गणितज्ञ…कपिल सिब्बल
राष्ट्रीय मसखरा… लालू यादव!
राष्ट्रीय इंतज़ार…सचिन का सौंवा शतक!
राष्ट्रीय दहशत…रा वन का सीक्वल!
राष्ट्रीय गाली…आम आदमी!
राष्ट्रीय शर्म…अरूंधति राय!
राष्ट्रीय कुकर्म…शक्ति कपूर!
राष्ट्रीय ख्वाहिश…सनी लिओन!
राष्ट्रीय हाथ…सनी देओल!
राष्ट्रीय चिंता…सलमान की शादी!
राष्ट्रीय चांटा प्रदायकर्ता- हरविंदर सिंह!
राष्ट्रीय शिशु…पार्थिव पटेल!
राष्ट्रीय ‘मैं होशियार’…अरिंदम चौधरी!
राष्ट्रीय गिरगिट… अजित सिंह!
राष्ट्रीय टेडीबीयर…नितिन गडकरी!
राष्ट्रीय रथ यात्री…लालकृष्ण आडवाणी!
राष्ट्रीय आलराउंडर…अजित अगरकर!
राष्ट्रीय असंतुष्ट..मेधा पाटकर!
राष्ट्रीय भुलक्कड़…एसएम कृष्णा!
राष्ट्रीय अतिथि…हिना रब्बानी!
राष्ट्रीय स्कूल…लवली पब्लिक स्कूल!
राष्ट्रीय ढीठ…राजा चौधरी!
राष्ट्रीय पागलखाना…बिग बॉस का घऱ!
राष्ट्रीय हंसी…राहुल महाजन!
राष्ट्रीय जासूस…दया!
राष्ट्रीय भोजन – कसम!
राष्ट्रीय टाइम पास…मूंगफली!
राष्ट्रीय पक्षी…ट्विटर!
राष्ट्रीय फिल्म..राम गोपाल
वर्मा की आग!
राष्ट्रीय मैगज़ीन..मनोहर कहानियां!
राष्ट्रीय किसान – अमिताभ बच्चन!
राष्ट्रीय हाथ…हरविंदर सिंह!
राष्ट्रीय गाल…शरद पवार!
राष्ट्रीय एक्सप्रेशन..LOL!
राष्ट्रीय फ्रॉड…कंडीशन्स अप्लाई*!
राष्ट्रीय दवा – संधि सुधा!
राष्ट्रीय आईटी एक्सपर्ट…विश्वबंधु
गुप्ता!
राष्ट्रीय बहन-मायावती!
राष्ट्रीय मां-बहन…राखी सावंत!
अगर कोई बाकी रह गया हो तो कृपया बताईयेँ!

Car Park

Wayne was returning home from a business trip... bags in hand ... and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage.

Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him.

“Get in,” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.”

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah ... no thanks,” he answered. “I can get there myself.”

“No,” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get In!”

Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver’s face softened ..... “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park and I want yours.”

Worse than being Old

Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent?

Doctor: Yes there is - being young and broke.

FB Humour

In a college application form  when asked about 'permanent address' student wrote: 
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www.facebook.com

FB Humor

Once a guy updated his status “I m gonna sleep In Garden tonight”

After sometime

17 mosquitoes liked his status 

Social netwrok Quiz

Question: When FaceBook, MySpace and Twitter merge into one super social networking company what will it be called?

Answer: They will call it “My Twit Face.”

Funny translations

Large state: MAHA RASHTRA.

 King place: RAJA-STHAN.
 
 Queen place: RANI KHET.
 
 Mr. City: SHRI NAGAR.
 
 Rising city: UDAY PUR.
 
 Rhythm of eyes: NAINI TAL.
 
 Face state: SURAT.
 
 Unmarriad girl: KANYA KUMARI.
 
 God's gate: HARI DWAR.
  Brick city: ITA NAGAR.


 Saint hair: RISHI KESH.
 
 Red nail: LAL KILA.
 
 Call end: KOL KATA.
 
 No zip: CHEN NAI.
 
 Come on sun: ARUN AA CHAL.
 
 Come in evening: AA SAM.
  Go & back: GO A

 Do drama: KAR NATAK...

Grandma

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"The bastards won't let me fart."

Lost Equiliburium

 We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.

 We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.

 We have killed our unborn and called it choice.

 We have shot anti-abortionists and called it justifiable.

 We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building
self esteem.

 We have abused power and called it politics.

 We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition.

 We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it
freedom of expression.

 We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called
it enlightenment.

What you still can...

"At the age of 24, I was a Bus Conductor" - Rajnikanth.... 

"I didn't even complete my University Education" - Bill Gates.... 

"I was the one who served in Hotels" - Oberoi.... 

"At my childhood days, I Stitched Shoes" - Abraham Lincoln.... 

"I worked in a Petrol Pump" - Dhirubhai Ambani....

"I Failed in the 10th Standard" - Sachin Tendulkar.... 

"Education Drop-Out & initially a Keyboard Player" - A. R. Rahman....

"I used to serve Tea at a Shop to support my Football Training" - Lionel Messi.... 

Life is not about what u couldn't do so far, its about WHAT YOU STILL CAN.

Funny Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'

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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. S he said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'La dies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them home with our compliments.'

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'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses....except for that gentleman over there.'

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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City - The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't 
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the at tendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways.'

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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain s peaking. Welcome to Flight 
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

Do bosses know their staff?

Who does what?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and you should
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed says…”HEBREWS”

Love & Friendship

One day love asked friendship, "Why are you here in this world, when I'm here?"

Friendship smiled and said, to spread smile where yo leave tears.

Bimaari in Bollywood style

BIMAARI in Bollywood style-

1. Jiya Jale jaan jale, Raat bhar dhuan chale : FEVER

2. Tadap tadap ke is dil se aah nikalti rahi : HEART ATTACK

3. Juda hoke bhi tu mujh main kahin baki hai: CONSTIPATION 

4. Bidi jalaiye jigar se piya jigar maa badi aag hai: ACIDITY

5. Tujh main rab dikhta hai yaara main kya karun: CATARACT

6. Tujhe yaad na meri aayi kisise ab kya kehena: ALZEIMERS

7. Man dole mera tan dole: VERTIGO

Guess Who !

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. 

The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line: "Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time.

On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was
written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"

CEO Interview

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. 

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." 

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.

Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four." 

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

THE TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN BEER‏

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100…

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this…

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20″. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,”but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”

“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

Coming Late

A Man Came Home Late At Night After A Party.
His Wife Yelled: “How Would You Feel If You Don’t See Me For Two Days?”

The Man Couldnt Believe His Luck: That Would Be Great!

Monday Passed And He Didnt See Her……
Tuesday And Wednesday Passed Too…..
On Thursday His Swelling
Became Better
And Now He Could See Her From The Corner Of One Eye… 

Talking in Sleep

Wife to Doctor: My Husband has the Habit of Talking in his Sleep. What Should I give to cure him?

Doctor: Give him an Opportunity to Speak when He is awake

Staff Opinion

Kamina

School me Master ji ne santa se poochha: "Mujh me koi bhi kami nahi hai, to mujhe aap log kya kehke bulaaoge ??"

Kids: kami-na

Guiness

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear youIrish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to- back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Resignation

Why Shout !

A theology professor was teaching about proverbs. He asked his students, *"Why do we shout in anger?* Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?

The students thought for a while. One of them said, because we lose our calm, we shout for that. "But why shout when the other person is just next to you?" asked the professor."Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you are angry?"The students gave some other answers but none satisfied the professor. 

Finally he explained, "When two people are angry at each other, their hearts psychologically distance themselves. To cover the distance, they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will shout to hear each other through that great distance.Then the professor asked, *"What happens when two people fall in love? *They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are psychologically very close. The distance between them is very small. 

The professor continued, "When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they even get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at eachother and that's all....So next time you shout to a loved one, know that you are creating distance between your heart and that person's heart. 

Proverbs - A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Job Inc

Arab sense of humor

A British man came to Sheikh and asked: Why is it not permissible in Islam for women to shake hands with a man?*

The Sheikh said: Can you shake hands with Queen Elizabeth?

British man said: Of course not, there are only certain people who can shake hands with Queen Elizabeth.

Sheikh replied: our women are queens and queens do not shake hands with strange men.

Hard Work & Promotion

Expert Speak...

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."      -- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television." 

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."         - - Admiral William Leahy , US Atomic Bomb Project 

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."         -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."      -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers ."   -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 [Oddly enough it was IBM that also saw little use for what became the Xerox copy machine many decades later and refused to fund its development.   Bob]

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 

"But what is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. 

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
                -- Bill Gates, 1981 
This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us," -- Western Union internal memo, 1876. 

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. 

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible," -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) 

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper," --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." 

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,"   -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. 

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out," -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. 

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible," -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. 

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this," - - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads . 

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy," -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. 

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." - - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929. 

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value," -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre , France . 

"Everything that can be invented has been invented," -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899. 

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required." -- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University 

"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself." -- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox. 

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."       -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse , 1872 

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon," -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873. 

And last but not least... 
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 

Managers & Staff

Good / Fast / Cheap

4 Stages of marraige

4 Stages of marraige :

MAD for each other. 
MADE for each other. 
MAD at each other.
MAD bcoz of each other.

Promote Me...

CEO

Corporate Scenes

Dedication

or a boy its easier to pick up 40-50 kg girl,

but For the same boy its quiet difficult 2 pick up a 14.2kg gas cylinder.....
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Moral - Dedication & Interest matters....;)

Rajni Coaching Indian Cricket Team

Once Rajnikant became the coach of Indian cricket team..

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Don't even try to guess what happened..!. :O
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The Indian cricket team won the FIFA and Hockey world cup too!! ;-)

New Generation ABC

2 most difficult things...

Two things are difficult:

1. To plant ur idea in someone's head

2. To plant someone's money in ur own pocket

The one who succeeds in both is called Wife.

Generation Gap

Our parents taught us
the meaning of
APPLE n BLACKBERRY

Now

We r teaching them the
features of
APPLE n BLACKBERRY . . 

Indian brain

Mathematician: How do you write 4 in between 5?     
 
                             
Chinese : Is this a joke? 
 
 
Japanese : Impossible! 
 
 
American : The question's all wrong! 
 
 
British : It's not found on the Internet 
 
 
And the Indian 
 
 
 
Indian:  F(IV)E
 
 
This is the reason Indians are everywhere in the world: in finance, business, medicine, engineering.... anything to do with using both sides of the brain.

__._,_.___

Mathematical PJ

What do u call a cylinder of radius "z" units and height "a" units?

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- Pizza!

Volume of cylinder= Pi * r * r * h
=>pi*z*z* a=Pizza

Hence Proved. :)

Italian Maths Test‏

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks. 'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred.

'So, whenna I start?'