How can I?

How Can I Believe When "Lie" Just Lies In The Centre Of"Believe"... !?
.
How Can I Love When There Is "Over" In "Lover" .... !? 
.
How Can I Be Friends With Any1 When We Know "End" Is There In"Friend".... !?
.
How Can I Trust Anyone When There Is "Rust" In "Trust"...!?
.
How Can I Live A Life When There Is"If " In "Life"...!?

Kaun Banega Crorepati

Sonia Gandhi in Kaun Banega Karodpati

Amitabh: Soniaji, ab aakhri saval, 5 Crore ke liye.

Who is the chief minister of Gujarat?
Your options are...
A) LALOO PRASAD.
B) VILASRAO DESHMUKH.
C) ARJUN SINGH.
D) NARENDRA MODI..

Soniaji : It's Narendra Modi.

Amitabh : Are you sure ? Lock kar doon?

Sonia : If you really lock him up, I will give you 100 Crores!

Thoughts...

I Met Money and Said You Are Just A Piece of Paper
Money Smiled & Said Of Course, But I Haven't Seen A Dust Bin For Me Yet!**

Meaningful Message:
A Tongue Has No Bones.
But It Can Break A Heart.
It Can Also Be A Pillar For Building A Broken Heart!

Tomorrow Will Come Daily.
But Today Will Come Today Only.
So Finish Your Today's Work Today Itself.
And Be Free Tomorrow.

Every Night We Go To Bed,
We Have No Assurance To Get Up Alive In The Next Morning
But Still You Have Plans For The Coming Day;
That's Hope!

What Is Forgiveness?
It Is The Wonderful Smell That A Flower Gives......
When it’s Being Crushed!

Do You Know
Who Is The Most Sweetest Couple in the World?
SMILE and TEARS. They Meet Rarely.
But When They Meet,
The Moment Becomes UNFORGETTABLE.

What is Success?
When Your SIGNATURE Changes to AUTOGRAPH.

-Richness is
NOT Earning, Spending or Saving More,
Richness is, When You Need "NO MORE."*

Lawyer Charges per hour

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. 

Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations!!!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.

"Congratulations for what?!" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty." 

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

Miscommunication

A man went to work on a very cold morning.  He received a text message from his wife saying, 'Windows Frozen.'  He texted back, 'Pour on some luke warm water.'  She replied a little later, 'Computer completely dead now.'

9 Tips for Staying Focused

1. Work from a To-Do List Each Day

One of the best ways to stay focused and on task is to have a list of
specific things that you need to do each day. Without having a to-do
list it is easy to get distracted or to dedicate time to things that
aren’t important, but with a to-do list you’ll always know exactly
what you need to do each day. Most of us don’t like to end the day
with things from our to-do list still unchecked, so it serves as
motivation to stay on task and to get things done.

2. Eliminate the Easy Tasks from Your To-Do List First

This may be more personal preference than anything, but for me it is
one of the most important things I can do to stay focused. Each day
will have a few siginifcant tasks that will take up most of the day,
and a few smaller tasks that can be done in a matter of a few minutes.
When I look at my to-do list and see things crossed off I feel good
about my progress and it’s easier to stay focused. When I leave the
little things till later my to-do list will look more intimidating all
day, and sometimes it can be distracting. I prefer to take care of the
easier things early in the day so I can get them off of my list and
then I can focus completely on major tasks without distraction of
having a to-do list that looks very full.

3. Keep Your Expectations Realistic

There is only so much that you can get done in one day. If you
overload your to-do list you will be stressed out all day and you
probably won’t do your best quality work because you’ll be feeling
rushed. If you keep a smaller number of things on your to-do list you
can focus more on doing your best quality of work.

4. Work Ahead of Deadlines Whenever Possible

Working on tight deadlines can hurt your focus in a few different
ways. First, if you’re thinking more about the deadline than the
details of the project, it can hurt your work. Second, if you have
deadlines coming up you’ll have little choice about what you’re going
to work on since you’ll need to rush to meet the deadline. When you’re
not working with tight deadlines you’ll have more flexibility to
choose what you are going to work on each day, allowing you to use
your time and attention wherever you want.

You won’t always be able to avoid tight deadlines, but it’s a good
habit to work ahead of deadlines whenever possible.

5. Close Out of Unneccesary Programs

Most designers and developers work in a lot of different programs
throughout the day. If you have programs open that you are not using
it’s easier to get distracted by something that you aren’t expecting.
Closing the programs that you’re not using at the time will help to
declutter and you’ll eliminate potential distractions before they can
become an issue.

6. Turn Off Your Phone

Phones can be a distraction not only when you’re receiving calls. Most
people receive and send several text messages each day. By turning
your phone off you won’t hear notifications of new text messages, and
you won’t pick up your phone to read it. Once you pick up your phone
the interenet and apps can also be a distraction. Turning the phone
off for a while obviously helps to eliminate these distractions as
well.

7. Don’t Try to Multi-Task

Multi-tasking is one of those things that most of us have been
programmed to do, and it’s often considered to be a great skill. The
problem is that when you are multi-tasking you’re not focusing on any
one thing, and your work will typically suffer in all areas.

Rather than trying to do several things at once, focus on one thing at
a time and move through your to-do list by checking things off
individually. This will help you to get things done faster and with
better quality of work.

8. Have a Comfortable, Dedicated Office Space

Your environment has a lot of influence on your focus. If you’re
working from home make sure that you have an area that is dedicated to
being your work space and nothing else. A private room with a door is
best, but if you don’t have the space for an office make sure you at
least have a desk and a section of a room for your work space. This
work space should be confortable (including a good chair) and
preferrably in a quiet area of the house.

9. Take Short Breaks Throughout the Day

Trying to work for too long without any breaks will lead to poor
focus. Just taking 5 or 10 minutes to stretch your legs, get some
fresh air, or get a drink will help to improve your level of concentration

Bhak Sala Hyderbadi

Hyderbadi Mom: kaiku rora ?

Son: baingan ki teacher maari merku

M: kaiku maari chudel ne ...

S: mai usku MURGI bola

M: kaiku

S: kaiku boleto har exam me ANDA deri merku..

Reloading 70s

This will make sense only to Indians above 40 and having visited or lived
in INDIA.

1. Though you may not publicly own up to this, at the age of 12-17 years,
you were very proud of your first "Bell bottom" or your first "Maxi"or your
first "Apache" jeans.

2. Phantom & Mandrake were your only true heroes. The brainy ones read
"Competition Success Review". (Absolutely true!)

3. Your "Camlin" geometry box & Natraj/Flora pencil was your prized
possession.

4. The only "Holidays" you took were to go to your grandparents' or your
cousins' houses.

5. Ice-cream meant only - either an orange stick, a vanilla stick – or a
Choco Bar if you were better off than most.

6. You gave your neighbour’s phone number to others with a ‘c/o’ written
against it because you had booked yours only 7 years ago and were still
waiting for your number to come.

7. Your first family car (and the only one) was a Fiat or an Ambassador.
This often had to be pushed by the entire family to get going.

8. The glass windows in the back seats used to get stuck at the two-thirds
down level and used to irk you greatly! The window went down only if your
puny arm could manage the tacky rotary handle to pull it down. Locking the
door was easy. You just whacked the other tacky, non-rotary handle
downwards.

9. Your mom had stitched the weirdest lace curtains for all the windows of
the car. They were tied in the middle and if your dad was the
comfort-oriented kinds, you had a magnificent small fan upfront.

10. Your parents were proud owners of HMT watches. You "earned" yours after
SSC exams.

11. You have been to "Jumbo Circus"; have held your breath while the pretty
young thing in the glittery skirt did acrobatics, quite enjoyed the
elephants hitting football, the motorcyclist vrooming in the "Maut ka Gola"
and it was politically okay to laugh your guts out at dwarfs hitting each
other's bottoms!

12. You at least once heard "Hawa Mahal" on the radio.

13. If you had a TV, it was normal to expect the neighborhood to gather
around to watch the Chitrahaar or the Sunday movie. If you didn't have a
TV, you just went to a house that did. It mattered little if you knew the
owners or not.

14. Sometimes the owners of these TVs got very creative and got a bi or
even a tri-coloured anti-glare screen which they attached with two side
clips onto their Weston TVs. That confused the hell out of you!

15. Black & White TVs weren't so bad after all because cricket was played
in whites.

16. You thought your Dad rocked because you got your own (the family's; not
your own own!) colour TV when the Asian Games started. Everyone else got
the same idea as well and ever since, no one came over to your house and
you didn't go to anyone else's.

17. You dreaded the death of any political leader because of the mourning
they would announce on the TV. After all how much "Shastriya Sangeet" can a
kid take? Salma Sultana also didn't smile during the mourning.

18. You knew that "Indira Gandhi" was somebody really powerful and terribly
important. And that's all you needed to know.

19. The only "Gadgets" in the house were the TV, the Fridge and possibly a
mixer.

20. All the gadgets had to be duly covered with a crochet cover and
sometimes even with ingenious, custom-fit plastic covers.

21. Movies meant Rajesh Khanna or Amitabh Bachchan. Before the start of the
movie you always had to watch the obligatory "Newsreel".

22. You thought you were so rocking because you knew almost all the songs
of Abba and Boney M.

23. Your hormones went crazy when you heard "Disco Deewane" by Naziya
Hassan & Zoheb Hassan.

24. School teachers, your parents and even your neighbours could whack you
and it was all okay.

25. Photograph taking was a big thing. You were lucky if your family owned
a camera. A reel of 36 exposures was valuable hence it justified the half
hour preparation & "setting" & the "posing" for each picture. Therefore,
you have atleast one family picture where everyone is holding their breath
and standing at attention!

26. During Diwali celebaration it was family clothes tailored from our
favourite tailor down the road.

27. We walked to school or took a bus... the ones who got dropped by car
were always RICH ones.

28. Our outdoor games were gully danda, marbles, stick in the mud , langdi,
chupa chupi.

29. Going out to eat in a restaurant was an occasion may be once /twice in
a year.

30. Mostly we managed with one pair of shoes for the whole year at school,
our elder brother/sisters clothes , books were passed to us for school...

31. "Duckback" raincoats were premium what we could get starting the school
in rainy season every year...

Did you hear anyone say, OLD IS GOLD?





*(Yaadein Hari Ho Gayee)*

Ashok & the Interview

Ashok, a fresh computer graduate from a world-class University, goes for an inteview in a software company.

The interviewer is Sunder, a grubby old man. And the first question he asks Ashok is, `Are you good at logic?'

`Of course,' replies Ashok.

`Let me test you,' replies Sunder. `Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one would wash his face?'

Ashok stares at Sunder. `Is that a test in Logic?' Sunder nods.

`The one with the dirty face washes his face', Ashok answers wearily.

`Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the
dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face.'

`Hmm. I never thought of that," says Ashok. `Give me another test.'

Sunder holds up two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

`We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face.'

`Wrong. Each one washes one's face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and
thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes one's face.'

`I didn't think of that!' says Ashok. `It's shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!'

Sunder holds up two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

`Each one washes his face.'

`Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and
thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face. So neither one washes his face.'

Ashok is desperate. `I am qualified for this job. Please give me one more test!'

He groans when Sunder lifts his two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

`Neither one washes his face', Ashok replies, `I have learnt this logic.'

`Wrong, again. Do you now see, Ashok, why programming knowledge is insufficient for this job? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the
other with a dirty face? Don't you see the flaw in the premise?'"

LAWS WHICH NEWTON FORGOT TO STATE:

LAW OF QUEUE:If you change ur queue, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE:When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OFWORKSHOP:Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

BATH THEOREM:When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:The probability of meeting someone u know increases when u r with sum1 u don't want to b seen with. :P 

Lexiphi...Excellent play on words

A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.
A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
Acupuncture : . . . a jab well done.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.
Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

Alternate Fuel

Dr.Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds
visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol.

As luck would have it, a petrol station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a petrol can and buy some petrol.

The attendant told her that the only petrol can he owned had been taken by
somebody, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the Doctor was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait
and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in the car that she could fill with petrol and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with
petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two men watched from across
the street.

*One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm converting my
car too."*

Wo Jo

Sardar : Wo jo Table pe Admi betha h Usse hmari Dushmni hai 
Frnd : Table pe to 4 Admi hai
Srdr : Wo jis ki Moochhein hai 
Frnd : Moochein to Sab ki hai
Srdr : Wo jis k Safaid kapde hai 
Frnd : Wo to Sab ke hai ,
Sardar ne Gusse me Pistol Nikali aur 3 Admion ko Mar kar bola...
Wo jo Reh Geya hai wo Hamara Dushman hai.

Taxes

DEAR  God,

Please give me strength to pay my Income Tax, GST, VAT, CST, Service Tax, Excise Duty, Customs Duty, Octroi, TDS, ESI, Property Tax, StampDuty,  Water Tax, Professional Tax, Road Tax, STT, Education Cess, Wealth Tax, TOT, Capital Gain Tax, Congestion Levy etc etc etc.
 And don't forgetHafta, Donations, Bribes, Chanda etc.

If I have some money left after that I will do business.


Indian Aam Aadmi

Grey Hair

Customer asked to the shopkeeper: 
“What do you have for greying hair?” 

The Shopkeeper replied: "Highest respect Sir.”

Always Ask Never Assume

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Life is short.......

Someone said:

When you ASSUME = you make an ASS out of U and ME....

Little book of Life

Have  a firm handshake. 

Look  people in the eye. 

Sing  in the shower . 

Own  a great stereo system. 

If  in a fight, hit first and hit hard. 

Keep  secrets. 

Never  give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday. 

Always  accept an outstretched hand. 

Be  brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.   

Whistle  . 

Avoid  sarcastic remarks.

Choose  your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all  your happiness or misery. 

Make  it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.   

Lend  only those books you never care to see again. 

Never  deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they  have. 

When  playing games with ! children, let them win. 

Give  people a second chance, but not a third. 

Be  romantic. 

Become  the most positive and enthusiastic person you know. 

Loosen  up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it  first seems. 

Don't  allow the phone to interrupt importantmoments.  It's there for your convenience, not the caller's. 

Be  a good loser. 

Be  a good winner. 

Think  twice before burdening a friend with a secret. 

When  someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go. 

Be  modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born. 

Keep  it simple. 

Beware  of the person who has nothing to lose. 

Don't  burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same  river. 

Live  your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets 

Be  bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you  didn't do more than the one's you did. 

Never  waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them. 

Remember  no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those  who helped you. 

Take  charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for  you. 

Visit  friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few  minutes. 

Begin  each day with some of your favorite music. 

Once  in a while, take the scenic route. 

Send  a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're  terrific.' 

Answer  the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your  voice. 

  
Show  respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their  job. 

Send  your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later. 

Make  someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind  you. 

Become  someone's hero. 

Marry  only for love. 

Count  your blessings. 

Compliment  the meal when you're a guest in someone's home. 

Wave  at the children on a school bus. 

Remember  that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with  people.

Don't Mess with Women

 A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. 

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. 
 
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. 
 
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' 
 
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever,
Don't mess with them.

The Most List

Our Birth is our Opening Balance! 
Our Death is our Closing Balance! 
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities 

Our Creative Ideas are our Assets 
Heart is our Current Asset 
Soul is our Fixed Asset 

Brain is our Fixed Deposit 
Thinking is our Current Account 
Achievements are our Capital 

Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade 
Friends are our General Reserves 
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill 

Patience is our Interest Earned 
Love is our Dividend 
Children are our Bonus Issues 
Education is Brands / Patents 
Knowledge is our Investment 
Experience is our Premium Account
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately. 
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award. 
Some very Good and Very bad things .... 

The most destructive habit...............Worry 
The greatest Joy.................................Giving 
The greatest loss.................................Loss of self-respect  
The most satisfying work..................Helping others 
The ugliest personality trait.............Selfishness 
The most endangered species...........Dedicated leaders  

Our greatest natural resource...............Our youth 
The greatest 'shot in the arm'..........Encouragement 
The greatest problem to overcome..................Fear  
The most effective sleeping pill...................Peace of mind 
The most crippling failure disease..............Excuses 
The most powerful force in life...................Love 
The most dangerous pariah.........................A gossiper  
The world's most i ncredible computer......The brain 
The worst thing to be without..................... Hope 
The deadliest weapon...................................The tongue 
The two most power-filled words................'I Can' 
The greatest asset...........................................Faith  
The most worthless emotion..........................Self-pity 
The most beautiful attire...............................SMILE! 
The most prized possession............................Integrity 
The most powerful channel of communication.....Prayer  
The most contagious spirit............................Enthusiasm