Sleeping in the Class

A teacher fell asleep in class and a little naughty boy walked up to him,

Little boy : "teacher are you sleeping in class?"

Teacher : "No I am not sleeping in class."

Little boy : "What were you doing sir ?"

Teacher : " I was talking to God."

The next day the naughty boy fell asleep in class and the same teacher
walksup to him.

Teacher : "young man, you are sleeping in my class."

Little boy : "No not me sir, I am not sleeping."

Angry teacher: "What were you doing."

Little boy : "I was talking to God."

Angry teacher: "What did he say."

Little boy : "God said he never spoke to you yesterday." 

Secret of Success

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.
"Two words."
"And, sir, what are they?"
"Good decisions."
"And how do you make good decisions?"
"One word."
"And sir, what is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words."
"And, sir, what are they?"
"Bad decisions."

Tried & Tested

1. "The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time."
Abraham Lincoln
(1809-1865)

2. "Life is a series of experiences, each of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and griefs which we endure help us in our marching onward."
Henry Ford
(1863-1947)

3. "Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless."
Mother Teresa
(1910-1997)

4. "Success is not final, failure is not fatal. It's the courage to continue that counts."
Winston Churchill
(1874-1965)

5. "A good head and good heart are always a formidable combination."
Nelson Mandela
(1918 - )

6. "Leaders aren't born, they are made. They are made by hard effort, which is the price which all of us must pay to achieve any goal which is worthwhile."
Vince Lombardi
(1913-1970)

7. "Worry is the interest paid by those who borrow trouble."
Thomas Jefferson
(1743-1826)

8. "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face...we must do that which we think we cannot."
Eleanor Roosevelt
(1884-1962)

9. "A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes."
Mahatma Gandhi
(1869-1948)

10. "The ideals which have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been kindness, beauty, and truth."
Albert Einstein
(1879-1955)

11. "Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort."
Franklin Roosevelt
(1882-1945)

12. "Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate."
Albert Schweitzer
(1875-1965)

13. "I believe the unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality."
Martin Luther King, Jr.
(1929-1968)

14. "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved."
Helen Keller
(1880-1968)

15 Great thoughts by CHANAKYA..

v  Learn from the mistakes of others... you can't live long enough to make them all yourselves!! v   A person should not be too honest. Straight trees are cut first and honest people are screwed first. v  Even if a snake is not poisonous, it should pretend to be venomous. v  There is some self-interest behind every friendship. There is no friendship without self-interests. This is a bitter truth. v   Before you start some work, always ask yourself three questions - Why am I doing it, what the results might be and Will I be successful. Only when you think deeply and find satisfactory answers to these questions, go ahead. v  As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it. v   The world's biggest power is the youth and beauty of a woman. v  Once you start a working on something, don't be afraid of failure and don't abandon it. People who work sincerely are the happiest. v  The fragrance of flowers spreads only in the direction of the wind. But the goodness of a person spreads in all direction. v   God is not present in idols. Your feelings are your god. The soul is your temple. v   A man is great by deeds, not by birth. v   Never make friends with people who are above or below you in status. Such friendships will never give you any happiness. v  Treat your kid like a darling for the first five years. For the next five years, scold them. By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like a friend. Your grown up children are your best friends. v  Books are as useful to a stupid person as a mirror is useful to a blind person. v  Education is the best friend. An educated person is respected everywhere. Education beats the Beauty and the Youth.

Perfect

One afternoon, Nasruddin and his friend were sitting in a cafe, drinking tea and talking about life and love. His friend asked: 'How come you never married?'

'Well,' said Nasruddin, 'to tell you the truth, I spent my youth looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo I met a beautiful and intelligent woman, but she was unkind. Then in Baghdad, I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul, but we had no common interests. One woman after another would seem just right, but there would always be something missing. Then one day, I met her; beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind. We had very much in common. In fact, she was perfect!'

'So, what happened?' asked Nasruddin's friend, 'Why didn't you marry her?'

Nasruddin sipped his tea reflectively. 'Well,' he replied, 'it's really the sad story of my life.... It seemed that she was looking for the perfect man...'

Naam

Santa: Bhabhi ka kya naam hai?

Banta: Google Kaur

Santa: Woh kaise?????

Banta: Sawaal ek karo... jawaab 10 milte hain!

Gender Identifier...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband standing around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Hunting flies", he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?", she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Keep Driving

One day a young lady was driving along with her father.
They came upon a storm, and the young lady asked her father, What should I do?"
He said "keep driving".  Cars began to pull over to the side, the storm was
Getting worse.
 
"What should I do." The young lady asked?
 
"Keep driving," her father replied.
 
On up a few feet, she noticed that eighteen wheelers were also pulling over.
She told her dad, "I must pull over, I can barely see ahead.  It is
Terrible, and everyone is pulling over!"
 
Her father told her, "Don't give up, just keep driving!"
 
 
Now the storm was terrible, but she never stopped driving, and soon she
Could see a little more clearly. After a couple of miles she was again on
Dry land, and the sun came out.
 
 
Her father said, "Now you can pull over and get out."
 
She said "But why now?"
 
He said "When you get out, look back at all the people that gave up and are
Still in the storm, because you never gave up your storm is  now over.
 
 
This is a testimony for anyone who is going through "hard times".
 
 
Just because everyone else, even the strongest, gives up. You don't have
To...if you keep going, soon your storm will be over and the sun will shine
Upon your face again.

Mother Tongue...

A kid was filling an application form... it asked abt "Mother Tongue"

Son: What should I write here Dad?

Dad: VERY LONG & UNCONTROLED!!!

Who is in Charge?

One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table
eating supper. 

The little girl said, “Daddy, you’re the boss, aren’t you?” 

Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said yes. 

The little girl continued “That’s because Mummy put you in charge, right?

Racism...

A 50-something year old white woman arrived at h...er seat and saw that the passenger next to her was a black man.

Visibly furious, she called the air hostess.

"What's the problem, ma?" the hostess asked her

"Can't you see?" the lady said - "I was given a seat next to a black man. I can't seat here next to him. You have to change my seat"

- "Please, calm down, ma" - said the hostess
"Unfortunately, all the seats are occupied, but I'm still going to check if we have any."

The hostess left and returned some minutes later.

"Madam, as I told you, there isn't any empty seat in this class- economy class.
But I spoke to the captain and he confirmed that there isn't any empty seats in the economy class. We only have seats in the first class."

And before the woman said anything, the hostess continued

"Look, it is unusual for our company to allow a passenger from the economy class change to the first class.
However, given the circumstances, the commandant thinks that it would be a scandal to make a passenger travel sat next to an unpleasant person."

And turning to the black man, the hostess said:

"Which means, Sir, if you would be so nice to pack your handbag, we have reserved you a seat in the first class..."

And all the passengers nearby, who were shocked to see the scene started applauding, some standing on their feet."

Struggle against British

HISTORY TEACHER: "Name some famous Indians who struggled against the British ?"

STUDENT: "Tendulkar, Dravid, Laxman, Sehwag, Dhoni, Raina..." !!!

India, where the religion of cricket unites us like none other.

proof‏

Police:- Kya proof hai ki tum gaadi tej nahi chala rahe the ?

Man:- Sir, main biwi ko lene sasural jaa raha hoon, Iss se bada proof kya 
doon ?

My Doctor‏

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.
~~~~~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years. Before he realized she was Chinese.
~~~~~
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months.
~~~~~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,"Doctor,doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
~~~~~
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."The doctor asked, "When did it start?"The man replied, "When did what start?"

~~~~~
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
~~~~~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these -If they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~~~~~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, He told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.You wait a month and a half for an appointment,Then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

Liquid to Solid

Intelligent Sardar
All Scientists Fail 2 Answer This
But Sardar Rocks
Q:-Which Liquid Thng Turns Solid On Heating?
?
?
Ans:- BESAN K PAKORAY..

Railroad tracks - An explanation‏

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?  Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools
that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular  odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including
England) for their legions.  Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.  In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?',

you may be exactly right!
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)
Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah ..

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.  The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system
was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?
So, Horse's Asses control almost everything...
Explains a whole lot of things,  doesn't it?