Friday, December 31, 2010

How smart can one get

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.  

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.  
 
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.  As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gun-slinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. 


The young gun-slinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"  
 
The old man looked up at the gun-slinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gun-slinger grinned and said,  "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. 
  
The old prospector -- not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to bust. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gun-slinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
 
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. 

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.  
 
The young gun-slinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening.  
 
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" 

The gun-slinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... 've always wanted to....."
 

There are a few lessons for us all here:
 
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Alcohol makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Thirsty Buddha

Once Buddha was travelling with a few of his followers. While they were passing a lake, Buddha told one of his disciples, "I am thirsty. Do get me some water from the lake."

The disciple walked up to the lake. At that moment, a bullock cart started crossing through the lake. As a result, the water became very muddy and turbid. The disciple thought, "How can I give this muddy water to Buddha to drink?"

So he came back and told Buddha, "The water in there is very muddy. I don't think it is fit to drink."

After about half an hour, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back to the lake.

The disciple went back, and found that the water was still muddy. He returned and informed Buddha about the same.

After sometime, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back.

This time, the disciple found the mud had settled down, and the water was clean and clear. So he collected some water in a pot and brought it to Buddha.

Buddha looked at the water, and then he looked up at the disciple and said," See what you did to make the water clean. You let it be, and the mud settled down on its own -- and you have clear water.

Your mind is like that too ! When it is disturbed, just let it be. Give it a little time. It will settle down on its own. You don't have to put in any effort to calm it down. It will happen. It is effortless."

Having 'Peace of Mind' is not a strenuous job; it is an effortless process!

Friday, December 17, 2010

How to identify an IT professional

1. He/She never bargains... No wonder things have become so costly!
2. When a cab/bus passes by and you see all the commuters in it are sleeping like they haven't slept for years...
3. Dilbert or Calvin is their favorite cartoon...
4. Words like issues, tracker, raising requests, buzz/ping, compile, delete [unlike erase or rub it off], onsite [n not abroad is what 'foreign land' is called] are the ones that would be used by 'default'...
5. Weekends are holy words... they are like a salvation one seeks for...
6. "Wazzzup", "Hows life?", are few obvious questions one will be greeted with which would be immediately followed by "how's work?"
7. Salaries, work etc are always better or in good shape in other companies than the one he/she is currently in...
8. They don't send or take things... they always forward them!
9. Drinking coffee is the most pleasurable thing they think they do in the entire day...
10. They seek a search engine in just almost everything they do... When I forget where I have kept my things at home the first thing that comes to my mind is "I wish there was a Google search for my room"  
J
11. Mondays are always blue...
12. All of them will have a dream to do something in life and that something would never be what they are doing right now...
  

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Pencil & Eraser

Pencil: I'm sorry....

Eraser: For what? You didn't do anything wrong.

Pencil: I'm sorry cos you get hurt bcos of me. Whenever I made a mistake, you're always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish, you lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller each time.

Eraser: That's true. But I don't really mind. You see, I was made to do this. I was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even though one day, I know I'll be gone and you'll replace me with a new one, I'm actually happy with my job. So please, stop worrying. I hate seeing you sad. :)

I found this conversation between the pencil and the eraser very inspirational. 

Parents are like the eraser whereas their children are the pencil. They're always there for their children, cleaning up their mistakes. Sometimes along the way... they get hurt, and become smaller (older, and eventually pass on). Though their children will eventually find someone new (spouse), but parents are still happy with what they do for their children, and will always hate seeing their precious ones worrying, or sad.

This is for all parents out there.....

And, more important, for the children to understand and gratefully remember.  

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Customer Service

The 10 most important words:       “I apologize for our mistake. Let me make it right.”

The 9 most important words:         “Thank you for your business. Please come back again.”

The 8 most important words:         “I’m not sure, but I will find out.”

The 7 most important words:         “What else can I do for you?”

The 6 most important words:         “What is most convenient for you?”

The 5 most important words:         “How may I serve you?”

The 4 most important words:         “How did we do?”

The 3 most important words:         “Glad you’re here!”

The 2 most important words:         “Thank you.”

The MOST important word:            “Yes.”

Saturday, December 4, 2010

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. 


Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. 


Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. 


And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. 

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Nandan Nilekani's dream - how the national ID card will work

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose ID card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's he..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... You're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jal Vayu.....Your home number is 2x26xxxx, your office 250xxxxx and your mobile is 09xxxxxxxx. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 05, Sir. The total is Rs 500.00"

Customer: "Can I pay by! Credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 23,000.75 since October last year.  That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Nano Car..."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Nano car,...registration number GZ-05-AB-1107.."

Customer: " ?"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... By the way... Aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$%

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir.. Remember on 15th July 2010 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints] 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Bhagavat Gita – 19th Chapter

Change is  a continuous process and Bhagvad Gita is no exception. Chapter No 19 has been added to Bhagvad Gita.


Bhagavat Gita – 19th Chapter


Arjun: Hey Vasudev, how can I do the most heinous and unpardonable act of forwarding junk mail that I receive, to my friends, relatives and revered elders?

Krishna: Hey Paartha, at this moment, none of them is your friend or foe, relative or in-law, young or old and good or evil. You have no escape from following your Net-Dharma. Make haste to log on and send off the junk mail to one and all. That is the only Karma expected of you and Dharma you must follow.


Arjun: Hey Murari ! Do not implore me to do something that pricks my conscience and stirs my soul.

Krishna: O Kunti-Puthra, you are caught in the vicious circle of the Maya. In this material world, you are committed to no one except to yourself, your Dharma and your mouse. Junk mails have existed for the last 25 years and will remain long after you are gone. Rise above the Maya and perform your bounden duty.

Arjun: Lord Krishna, pray and enlighten me on how junk mail is related to the Maya.

Krishna: Vatsa, junk mail is the 6
th element in the universe – Aap, Vaayu, Jal, Agni, Aakaash and Junk Mail. It is at the same time animate and inanimate, living and dead beat. It overloads the system and fills up the hard disk. But it serves one great purpose. It leads people to believe that they are filling their time in an intellectual pursuit by reading and reforwarding junk mail. It gives them a sense of achievement without investing their intellect and efforts. Like the Atman that leaves one’s physical body and moves on to another, the junk mail moves from system to system and never gets deleted or dies.

Arjun: Great Giridhaari, kindly tell me what the true attributes of junk mail are.

Krishna: Neither fire can burn it, nor air can evaporate it. Neither can it be conquered nor can it be defeated. Junk mail is omnipresent and immortal like your noble and eternal soul. Unlike an arrow shot from your bow, many a time the junk mail forwarded by you, will even return to you safely after some months or even years, allowing you to re-re-forward it to the same people.     

Arjun: Great Saarathi, my salutations to you. You have opened my eyes to the cult of junk mail. I was lost in the Maya and have been reading all the junk mail that I keep receiving and doing no other Karma. Now on, I will just press the "Forward" button without reading any of it and send it to all and sundry, friends and foes, relatives and in-laws, young and old. That will surely bring them to their knees in this epochal battle of Good against Evil, in the Kurukshetra.  

Krishna: Arjuna, victory or defeat is not in your hands. Do not ponder over the fruits of your labour. Just keep forwarding junk mail and make one and all go bananas reading it and you will have done your supreme duty. Tathastu.  

Thus Spoke - Lord Krishna

Monday, November 22, 2010

Gender of Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
- House for instance, is feminine: la casa. Pencil, however, is masculine: el lápiz.

A student asked what gender is computer? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The mens group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computadora), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The womens group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (el computador), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still cant think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Story of Appreciation

One young academically excellent person went to apply for a managerial position in a big company.
He passed the first interview; the director did the last interview, made the last decision.
The director discovered from the CV,  that the youth's academic result was excellent all the way, from the secondary school until the postgraduate research, never was there  a year he did not score.
The director asked, "Did you obtain any scholarship in school?" and the youth answered "no".
The director asked, " Did your father pay  your school fees?". The youth answered,  "my father passed away when I was one year old and  it was my mother who paid  my school fees".
The director asked, " Where did your mother work?" the youth answered, "my mother worked as cloth cleaner." The director requested the youth to show his hands and the youth showed a pair of hands that was smooth and perfect to the director.
The director asked, " Did you ever help your mother wash  clothes before?" The youth answered," never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books, furthermore, my mother could wash clothes faster than I could" 
The director said, I have a  request, when you go back today, go and help to clean your mother's hand, and then see me tomorrow morning.
The youth felt that the  chance of landing the job was high and  when he went back, he happily wanted to clean his mother's hands. His mother felt strange. With  happiness  mixed with fear, she showed her hands to the kid.
The youth cleaned his mother's hands slowly and his tears fell as he did that.  It was the  first time he noticed that his mother's hands  were so wrinkled, and that  there were  so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful  that she  shuddered when his  mother's hands were cleaned with water.
This is the first time that the youth realized and experienced that it is this pair of hands that washed the clothes every day to earn him the school fees and that the bruises in the mother's hand were the price that the mother paid for his graduation and academic excellence and probably his future.
After finishing the cleaning of his mother's hands, the youth quietly washed  all the  remaining clothes for his mother.
That night, the mother and son talked for a very long time.
Next morning, the youth went to the director's office
The director noticed the tear in the youth's eye and asked: " Can you tell  what  you did and learnt yesterday in your house?"
The youth answered, " I cleaned my mother's hands and also finished washing all the remaining clothes'
The director asked, " please tell me what you felt"
The youth said, "Number 1, I know what  appreciation is now'. Without my mother, I would not be successful today. Number 2, Now I know how to work together with my mother.  Only now do I  realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done.  Number 3, I know the importance and value of family relationship.
The director said, " This is what I am asking, I want to recruit a person that can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the suffering of others to get things done, and a person that would not put money as his only goal in life to be my manager. You are hired.
Later on, this young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates, every employee worked diligently and as a team and the company improved tremendously.
A child who has been protected and habitually given whatever he needs,  develops "entitlement mentality" and always puts himself first. He is ignorant of his parent's efforts. When he starts work, he assumes every person must listen to him, and when he becomes a manager, he would never know the suffering of  his employees and always blame others. These kinds of people,  can achieve good results and  may be successful for a while, but eventually would not feel a sense of achievement or satisfaction.  If we happen to be   this kind of (protective) parent, this is the time to ask the question- whether we  did/do love our kids or destroy them.
You can let your kid live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn to play the piano, watch a big screen TV but when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plate and bowl together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love and show them the  correct way.  You want them to understand that no matter how rich their parent are, one day they will grow old, become weak and that their hair too will grow grey,. The most important thing is for  your kid to learn how to appreciate, experience and learn the effort and ability needed to work with others to get things done. They should also value, appreciate what the parents have done and love them for who they are!

Monday, November 8, 2010

You are...

You are strong... when you take your grief and teach it to smile.

You are brave... when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.

You are happy... when you see a flower and are thankful for the blessing.

You are loving... when your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.

You are wise... when you know the limits of your wisdom.

You are true... when you admit there are times you fool yourself.

You are alive... when tomorrow's hope means more to you than yesterday's mistake.

You are growing... when you know what you are but not what you will become.

You are free... when you are in control of yourself and do not wish to control others.

You are honorable... when you find your honor is to honor others.

You are generous... when you can take as sweetly as you can give.

You are humble... when you do not know how humble you are.

You are thoughtful... when you see me just as I am and treat me just as you are.

You are merciful... when you forgive in others the faults you condemn in yourself.

You are beautiful... when you don't need a mirror to tell you.

You are rich... when you never need more than what you have.

You are you... when you are at peace with who you are not.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Neighbours

A proposed council tax-evaluation policy will mean reassessment of current house values; which will mean you will be charged more if you live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked in her life.

Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for his racist comments. A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has ever been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. It is not known if they have the same father. They are both out of control.

I hate living near Windsor Castle.....................

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Indian Coins

Indian coins are mainly produced in 4 cities 


1.Delhi
2.Mumbai
3.Hyderabad and 

4. Kolkata. 

The production in city puts an identification mark under the year of issue. 

Coins produced in Delhi have a dot

Mumbai have a diamond

Hyderabad have a star

and kolkata Nothing beneath the year!!
 

Now put ur hand inside ur pocket/ wallet/ purse and check out!!!!
 
 

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Self Appraisal

A little boy went to a telephone booth which was at the cash counter of a  store and dialed a number.

The store-owner observed and listened to the  conversation: 

Boy                : "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn? 
Woman          : (at the other end of the phone line) "I  already have someone to cut my lawn." 
Boy                : "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price than the person who cuts your lawn now." 
Woman         : I'm very satisfied with the person who is  presently cutting my lawn. 
Boy                : (with more perseverance) "Lady, I'll even sweep the floor  and the stairs of your house for free. Woman         : No, thank you. 

With a smile on his face, the little  boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this,  walked over to the boy.
Store Owner       : "Son... I like  your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a  job." 
Boy                      : "No thanks, 
Store Owner       :  But you were really pleading for one. 
Boy                      : No Sir, I was just  checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is  working for that lady I was talking to!"  

Friday, October 8, 2010

Confidence


A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilotless Technology: “It is an unmanned Aircraft.” 


Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their Company's Software is running the Aircraft's Automatic Pilot System.
 

Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the Aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse!!

One CEO alone remains on board the Jet, seeming very calm indeed....!


Asked why he is so Confident in this first unmanned flight, he replies: "If it is the same Software that's developed by my Company's IT systems department, this Plane won't even Take Off!!!"
 

That is called Confidence!!! 
  

Those were the days

For those who grew up during the 70s in middle class India, here are some things that you can identify with 

1. Though you may not publicly own to this, at the age of 12-17 years,you were very proud of your first "Bellbottom" or your first "Maxi"or your first Apache jeans.


2. Phantom & Mandrake were your only true
heroes. The brainy ones read"Competition Success Review".


3. Your "Camlin" geometry box & Natraj/Flora pencil was your prized possession.


4. The only "Holidays" you took were to go to your grandparents' or your cousins' houses.


5. Ice-cream meant only - either an orange stick, a vanilla stick – ora Choco Bar if you were better off than most.


6. You gave your neighbour’s phone number to others with a ‘c/o’ written against it because you had booked yours only 7 years ago and were still waiting for your number to come.


7. Your parents were proud owners of HMT watches. You "earned" yours after SSC exams.


8. You have been to "Jumbo Circus"; have held your breath while the pretty young thing in the glittery skirt did acrobatics, quite enjoyed the
elephants hitting football, the motorcyclist vrooming in the "Mautka Gola" and it was politically okay to laugh your guts out at
dwarfs hitting each others bottoms!


9. You have atleast once heard "Hawa Mahal" on the radio.


10. If you had a TV, it was normal to expect the neighborhood to gather around to watch the Chitrahaar or the Sunday movie. If you didn't have a TV, you just went to a house that did. It mattered little if you knew the owners or not.


11. Sometimes the owners of these TVs got very creative and got a bi or even a tri-coloured anti-glare screen which they attached with two side clips onto their Weston TVs. That confused the hell out of you!


12. Black & White TVs weren't so bad after all because cricket was played in whites.


13. You thought your Dad rocked because you got your own (the family's; not your own own!) colour TV when the Asian Games started.
Everyone else got the same idea as well and ever since, no one came over to your house and you didn't go to anyone else'.


14. You dreaded the death of any political leader because of the mourning they would announce on the TV. After all how much "Shashtriya Sangeet" can a kid take? Salma Sultana also didn't smile during the mourning.


15. You knew that "Indira Gandhi" was somebody really powerful and terribly important. And that's all you needed to know.


16. The only "Gadgets" in the house were the TV, the Fridge and possibly a mixer.


17. All the gadgets had to be duly covered with a crochet covers and sometimes even with ingenious, custom-fit plastic covers.


18. Movies meant Rajesh Khanna or Amitabh Bachchan. Before the start of the movie you always had to watch the obligatory "Newsreel".


19. You thought you were so rocking because you knew almost all the songs of Abba and Boney M.


20. Your hormones went crazy when you heard "Disco Deewane" by Naziya Hassan & Zoheb Hassan.


21. School teachers, your parents and even your neighbours could whack you and it was all okay.


22. Photograph taking was a big thing. You were lucky if your family owned a camera. A reel of 36 exposures was valuable hence it justified the half hour preparation & "setting" & the "posing" for each picture. Therefore, you have atleast one family picture where everyone is holding their breath and standing at attention!
 
 
23. During diwali /idd celebaration it was family clothes tailored from our favourite tailor down the road with all shirt pant and  and sister's clothes with same cloth design.. it was common..
 
 
24. We walked to school or took a bus..the one who got dropped by car were always RICH ones.
 
 
25. Our outdoor games were gully danda, marbles, stick in the mud , langdi, lagoori , abba dubhi , Dog and the bone, chupa chupi ( my favourite) .... 

 
26. Going out to eat in a restaurant was an occasion maybe once /twice in a year.
 
 
27. Mostly we managed with one pair of shoes for the whole year at school, our elder brother/sisters clothes 
 , books were passed to us for school.. 
..
 
28. " Duckback : raincoats were premium what we could get starting the school in rainy season every year..
 
 
 

Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Zen of Consumer Guidance Labels

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Tiff with husband


A husband and wife had a tiff. The wife called up her mum and said, “He
fought with me again, I am coming to live with you”. 
Mom said, “No no Sweetie - he must pay for his mistake, I am coming to stay
with you!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Handbook of Life

Health 

1.       Drink plenty of water.
2.       Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3.       Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4.       Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5.       Make time to pray. 
6.       Play more games
7.       Read more books than you did last year. .
8.       Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9.       Sleep for 7 hours..
10.    Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile. 

Personality 
:

 
11.    Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12.    Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13.    Don't overdo. Keep your limits.
14.    Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15.    Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16.    Dream more while you are awake 
17.    Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18.    Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19.    Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20.    Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present. 
21.    No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 
22.    Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.  Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23.    Smile and laugh more.. 
24.    You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree... 

Society 
:

 
25.    Call your family often.
26.    Each day do something good to others.
27.    Forgive everyone for everything..
28.    Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of  6. 
29.    Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30.    What other people think of you is none of your business. 
31.    Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch

Life 


32.    Do the right thing!
33.    Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34.    GOD heals everything. 
35.    However good or bad a situation is, it will change... 
36.    No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37.    The best is yet to come..
38.    When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39.    Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

7 ways to catch a lion

1. Newton's Method:  Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion . 

2. Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also 
run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily. 

3. Schrodinger Method: At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait! 

4. Inverse Transformation Method : We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out. 

5. Thermodynamic Procedure: We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows every thing to pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it. 

6. Integration Differention Method: Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is some where in the result. 
So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion. 

7. The Banta's Method: DON'T EVEN TRY. YOU'LL GET CAUGHT BY THE LION.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Politically Correct

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A Fox News reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.

I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a reporter for FOX News, you know, and tomorrow's report will have this story as the lead item. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a union member truck driver and a Democrat.'

The Fox reporter leaves.

The following morning the biker tunes in to see if they indeed reported the news of his actions, and hears, as the lead story:

*UNION TRUCK DRIVER BIKER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Monday, September 6, 2010

Winner Vs Loser


The Winner -- is always part of the answer;
The Loser   --  is always part of the problem;

The Winner -- always has a program;
The Loser   --  always has an excuse;

The Winner -- says "Let me do it for you;"
The Loser   --  says "That's not my job";

The Winner -- sees an answer for every problem;
The Loser   --  sees a problem for every answer;

The Winner -- sees a green near every sand trap;
The Loser   -- sees two or three sand traps near every green;

The Winner -- says,"It may be difficult but it's possible";
The Loser   --  says, "it may be possible but it's too difficult"

Be a Winner;


Monday, August 30, 2010

Anger


There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.  He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.


Finally the ! day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.  You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.


It won't matter how many times you say "I'm sorry", the wound is still there.  A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.