The Zen of Consumer Guidance Labels

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

Tiff with husband

A husband and wife had a tiff. The wife called up her mum and said, “He
fought with me again, I am coming to live with you”. 

Mom said, “No no Sweetie - he must pay for his mistake, I am coming to stay
with you!

Handbook of Life

Health : 

1.       Drink plenty of water.
2.       Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3.       Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4.       Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5.       Make time to pray. 
6.       Play more games
7.       Read more books than you did last year. .
8.       Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9.       Sleep for 7 hours..
10.    Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile. 

Personality :
 
11.    Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12.    Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13.    Don't overdo. Keep your limits.
14.    Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15.    Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16.    Dream more while you are awake 
17.    Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18.    Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19.    Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20.    Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present. 
21.    No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 
22.    Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.  Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23.    Smile and laugh more.. 
24.    You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree... 

Society :
 
25.    Call your family often.
26.    Each day do something good to others.
27.    Forgive everyone for everything..
28.    Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of  6. 
29.    Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30.    What other people think of you is none of your business. 
31.    Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. 

Life : 

32.    Do the right thing!
33.    Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34.    GOD heals everything. 
35.    However good or bad a situation is, it will change... 
36.    No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37.    The best is yet to come..
38.    When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39.    Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

7 ways to catch a lion

1. Newton's Method:  Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion . 

2. Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also 
run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily. 

3. Schrodinger Method: At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait! 

4. Inverse Transformation Method : We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out. 

5. Thermodynamic Procedure: We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows every thing to pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it. 

6. Integration Differention Method: Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is some where in the result. 
So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion. 

7. The Banta's Method: DON'T EVEN TRY. YOU'LL GET CAUGHT BY THE LION.

Politically Correct

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A Fox News reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.

I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a reporter for FOX News, you know, and tomorrow's report will have this story as the lead item. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a union member truck driver and a Democrat.'

The Fox reporter leaves.

The following morning the biker tunes in to see if they indeed reported the news of his actions, and hears, as the lead story:

*UNION TRUCK DRIVER BIKER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Winner Vs Loser

The Winner -- is always part of the answer;

The Loser   --  is always part of the problem;

The Winner -- always has a program;

The Loser   --  always has an excuse;

The Winner -- says "Let me do it for you;"

The Loser   --  says "That's not my job";

The Winner -- sees an answer for every problem;

The Loser   --  sees a problem for every answer;

The Winner -- sees a green near every sand trap;

The Loser   -- sees two or three sand traps near every green;

The Winner -- says,"It may be difficult but it's possible";

The Loser   --  says, "it may be possible but it's too difficult"

Be a Winner;