Jesus in Bathroom

A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a
little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the
birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!" Little Johnny, waving his hand
furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!" The whole class got
very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was
completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and
asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom
door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

Modern Panchtantra

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe),

He started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "Is this your computer ?" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No."

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his. Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!"

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.

The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give Him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?"

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM !". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!

********

Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better to keep your mouth shut
and let people think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt .

Famous Insults

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.." - Groucho Marx

Kanjibhai and the farm‏

Kanjibhai purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise.

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the mandir Pujari stops by to bless Kanjibhai's work, saying, "May You and Bhagwan work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

A few months later, the Mandir Pujari stops by again to call on the Kanjibhai.

Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

"Amazing!" the Pujari says. "Look what Bhagwan and You have accomplished together!"

"Yes, maharaj," says Kanjibhai , "but remember what the farm was like when Bhagwan was working it alone!"

Whatever, Anything

We don't understand Women : Their "Whatever" "Anything" OR "You Decide"

1 . (Whatever)

Men: What should we have for dinner?

Women: Whatever..

Men: Why don't we have Mexican?

Women: No not Mexican, the last time i got pimples on my face

Men: Alright, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine

Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan, today too?

Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood

Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea

Men: Then what do you suggest?

Women : Whatever..

2. (Anything)

Men: So what should we do now?

Women: Anything

Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time

Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time

Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?

Women: Exercise on such a hot day?

Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink

Women: I am off caffeine

Men: Then what do you suggest?

Women: Anything

3. (You decide)

Men: Then do we just go home?

Women: You decide

Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you

Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.

Men: OK; we will take a cab

Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance

Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather

Women: I am hungry, can't walk.

Men: Then what do you suggest?

Women: You decide

Men: Let's have dinner first?

Women: Whatever...

Men: What shall we eat?

Women: Anything..

Oxymorons...

An oxymoron is usually defined as "A phrase in which two words with contradictory
meaning are brought together".

1) Clearly misunderstood

2) Exact Estimate

3) Small Crowd

4) Act Naturally

5) Found Missing

6) Fully Empty

7) Pretty ugly

8) Seriously funny

9) Only choice

10) Original copies

And .......how about this

11) Happily Married!

Animal Sounds

A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question.

"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"

Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"

"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"

Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"

Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"

Prayer a Day

There is a story of about a sea captain who in his retirement skippered a boat taking day-trippers to Shetland Islands. On one trip, the boat was full of young people.

They laughed at the old captain when they saw him say a prayer before sailing out, because the day was fine and the sea was calm.

However they weren't long at sea when a storm suddenly blew up and the boat began to pitch violently. The terrified passengers came to the captain and asked him to join them in prayer.

But he replied, "I say my prayers when it's calm. When it's rough I attend to my ship."

Here is a lesson for us......

If we cannot and will not seek God in quiet moments of our lives, we are not likely to find him when trouble strikes. We are more likely to panic. But if we have learnt to seek him and trust him in quiet moments, then most certainly we will find him when the going gets rough.

A PRAYER A DAY KEEPS EVIL AWAY

Amazing Co-incidences

What's in a Name?

A computer error gave two women in America called Patricia the same social security number. When the two women were brought together in an office to rectify the blunder they discovered that

They had both been born with the names Patricia Ann Campbell
Both of their fathers were called Robert Campbell
Their birthdays were on 13th March 1941
They had both married military men in the year 1959 (within eleven days of each other)
They each had two children aged 19 and 21
They both had an interest in oil painting
Both had studied cosmetics
Both had worked as book-keepers

Bullet With Your Name on It

In 1893, Henry Ziegland ended a relationship with his girlfriend. Tragically, his girlfriend took the news very badly, became distraught and took her own life. Her distressed brother blamed his sister's death upon Henry, he went round to Henry's house, saw him out in the garden and tried to shoot him. Luckily, the bullet only grazed Henry's face and embedded itself in a nearby tree.

In 1913, twenty years after this incident, Henry decided to use dynamite to uproot a tree in his garden. The explosion propelled the embedded bullet from the tree straight into Henry Ziegland's head - killing him immediately.

Lucky Hughs?

On December 5th 1660, a ship sank in the straights of Dover - the only survivor was noted to be Hugh Williams.

On 5th December 1767, another ship sank in the same waters - 127 lost their lives, the only survivor was noted to be Hugh Williams

On 8th August 1820, a picnic boat capsized on the Thames - there was one survivor - Hugh Williams.

On 10th July 1940, a British trawler was destroyed by a German mine - only two men survived, one man and his nephew - they were both called Hugh Williams.

With a Quack Quack Here

Mr McDonald was a farmer who lived in Canada - nothing extra-ordinary in that - until you learn that his postcode contained the letter sequence EIEIO.

'Til Death Did Them Part

In 1996, Paris police set out to investigate a late night, high speed car crash, both drivers had been killed instantly.

Investigations revealed that the deceased were in fact man and wife.

Police initially suspected some kind of murder or suicide pact but it became apparent that the pair had been separated for several months - neither could have known that the other would have been out driving that night - it was just a terrible coincidence.

Licensed To Thrill

A fifteen year old pupil at Argoed High School in North Wales was to sit his GCSE examinations in 1990.

His name was James Bond - his examination paper reference was 007.

What Goes Around….

In 1965, at the age of four, Roger Lausier was swimming off a beach in Salem - he got into difficulties and was saved from drowning by a woman called Alice Blaise.

In 1974, on the same beach, Roger was out on a raft when he pulled a drowning man from the water - amazingly, the man he saved was Alice Blaise's husband.

Lightning Never Strikes Twice?

British cavalry officer Major Summerford was fighting in the fields of Flanders in the last year of WW1, a flash of lightning knocked him off his horse and paralysed him from his waist down.

He moved to Vancouver, Canada, six years later, whilst out fishing, Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again and the right side of his body became paralysed.
After two years of recovery, it was a summers day and he was out in a local park, a summer storm blew up and Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again - permanently paralysing him.

He died two years after this incident.

However, four years after his death, his stone tomb was destroyed - it was struck by lightning!

Practice What You Preach

Businessman Danie de Toit made a speech to an audience in South Africa - the topic of his speech was - watch out because death can strike you down at any time.

At the end of his speech, he put a peppermint in his mouth, and choked to death on it!

100 Ways to Love

1. Hug them.
2. Write a love note.
3. Call them at work just to say Hi
4. Give them a foot massage.
5. Tell them a joke.
6. Caress them with slow gentle strokes.
7. Go for a walk with them.
8. Send them a happy gram.
9. Admit your mistakes.
10. Say:I love you.

11. Indulge a whim.
12. Listen to them talk about an interest of theirs.
13. Be trustworthy.
14. Instead of complaining, tell them what you would prefer.
15. Look at them when you're in a discussion.
16. Send flowers.
17. Compliment something they did.
18. Offer to help.
19. Ask them to show you how to do something.
20. Call when you are going to be late.

21. Take them out to dinner.
22. Write them a poem about how special they are.
23. Cut out a cartoon they will enjoy.
24. Ask them what they like sexually.
25. Go shopping together.
26. Take an afternoon drive.
27. Cuddle.
28. Put your arm around them in front of others.
29. Take them out on a surprise date.
30. Do something they want to do.

31. Listen.
32. Plan a candle light dinner.
33. Look at old photos together.
34. Serve them breakfast in bed.
35. Hold hands.
36. Share sexual fantasies.
37. Do a work project together.
38. Rub their back.
39. Take a shower together.
40. Carry their photo in your wallet.

41. Go away together for a weekend holiday.
42. Kiss them.
43. Smile more when you look at them.
44. Go for a bicycle ride together.
45. Surprise them with a special attire.
46. Plan a picnic lunch.
47. Read something together about how to have a better relationship.

. .
48. Repeat what they say before answering.
49. Say Good morning first.
50. Ask if they have a few minutes first before interrupting.

51. Send them a card.
52. Surprise them with a gift when its a non-holiday.
53. Cook them a favorite meal.
54. Try a new restaurant.
55. Ask them how they feel.
56. Let them know when you are proud of them.
57. Ask for their opinion.
58. Turn on some romantic music.
59. Dedicate a song to them.
60. Send them a balloon bouquet.

61. Watch a sunset together.
62. Play a game together.
63. Have them teach you something they know.
64. Tell them they have the night off.
65. Go to a movie they select.
66. Ask them for a hug.
67. Wear some new cologne.
68. Take them to Bali.
69. Discuss future plans with them.
70. Ask if you can help when they look sad.

71. Ask them about their dreams.
72. Meet them for lunch.
73. Enlarge a scenic photo of a place you have shared.
74. Give them a gift certificate for their favorite store.
75. Tell them what you like about them.
76. Buy them a new perfume.
77. Take them to a scenic spot.
78. Send them a gourmet gift basket.
79. Send them a joke card.
80. Let them know when you have thought of them during the day.

81. Buy them a toy.
82. Compliment them to their friends.
83. Bring them a thirst quenching drink.
84. Tell them when they look attractive.
85. Send them a post card.
86. Invite them to a secret rendezvous.
87. Give them a massage.
88. Take a lesson with them.
89. Look at photos together of when you met.
90. Plan a vacation with them.

91. Listen openly to their opposing opinion.
92. Buy them a new piece of jewelry.
93. Watch a TV show they like with them
94. Write them a letter.
95. Listen to music with them, such as an old favorite.
96. Whisper sweet nothings in their ear.
97. Tell them what you like that they do.
98. Give a head massage.
99. Invite them to a concert.

100. Let them know you care

12 Step Internet Recovery Program

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... And the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

Engineer's Solution

Prove?.

2 / 10 = 2

Art student : Out of syllabus


Commerce student : Question hi galat hai


Medical student : it?s strange yaar, ye kaise ho sakta hai?


Engineering student : it is very easy


TWO / TEN = WO / EN

(W=23rd letter, O=15th letter,
E=5th letter & N=14th letter)

=23+15 / 5+14

=38 / 19

=2

Engineer never ask?.. Ans kya hai?


They only ask , ans . Kya lana hai.

That?s Engineering... ;)

Political Correctness For Kids....‏

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage restrictive."

Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor retentive athletic footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

Taxes in India

Question 1.. : What are you doing?
Ans. : Business.
Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!

Question 2 : What are you doing in Business?
Ans. : Selling the Goods.
Tax : PAY SALES TAX!!

Question 3 : From where are you getting Goods?
Ans. : From other State/Abroad
Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI

Question 4 : What are you getting in Selling Goods?
Ans. : Profit.
Tax : PAY INCOME TAX!

Question 5: How do you distribute profit ?
Ans : By way of dividend
Tax : PAY DIVIDEND DISTRIBUTION TAX

Question 6 : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
Ans. : Factory...
Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY!

Question 7 : Do you have Office / Warehouse / Factory?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!

Question 8 : Do you have Staff?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!

Question 9 : Doing business in Millions?
Ans. : Yes -- Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX!
Ans : No -- Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax

Question 10 : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
Ans. : Yes, for Salary.
Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!

Question 11 : Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
Ans. : Hotel
Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

Question 12 : Are you going Out of Station for Business?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!

Question 13 : Have you taken or given any Service / (s)?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!

Question 14 : How come you got such a Big Amount?
Ans... : Gift on birthday.
Tax : PAY GIFT TAX!

Question 15.: Do you have any Wealth?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX!

Question 16 : To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans. : Cinema or Resort.
Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

Question 17 : Have you purchased House?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !

Question 18 : How you Travel?
Ans. : Bus
Tax : PAY SURCHARGE!

Question 19.: Any Additional Tax?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!

Question 20: Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY!

21) INDIAN : Can I die now??
Ans :: Wait we are about to launch the funeral tax !!!

The baloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximatly 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes North Latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes West Longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrate."

"I am," replied the balloonest. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

Smart Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead..'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas...'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

Perfect Son...

A: I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he drink whiskey?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he ever come home late?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next Wednesday