What have I got to loose?

Bill Gates recently advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft Europe.

Five thousand candidates respond and assemble in a large room. One of them is Isaac Ginsberg, a little Jewish man from Israel. Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming, but asks all those not familiar with the JAVA program language to leave. Two thousand people stand up and leave the room. Isaac Ginsberg says to himself: "I do not know this language, but what have I got to lose if I stay? I might as well give it a try!"

Bill Gates then asks all those who have no experience managing teams of more than a hundred people to leave. Another two thousand people stand up and go. Isaac Ginsberg says to himself: "I have never managed anybody but myself, but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can possibly happen to me?"

Then Bill Gates asks all candidates who do not have outstanding academic qualifications to please exit the room.Five hundred more people stand up and go. Isaac Ginsberg smiles and says to himself, "Oy... I left school at 15, but what's the big deal if I stay?"So he stays in the room.

Finally, Bill Gates asks everyone remaining who does not speak the Serbo-Croatian language to rise and leave. Four hundred and ninety-eight people get up and leave the room. Issac Ginsberg chuckles and says himself, "So.. I don't speak Serbo-Croatian, but what the hell! I got nothing to lose!"

He finds himself alone in the room with only one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Curious, Bill Gates gets down from the stage, joins them, and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian. I'd like to hear you converse with each other in Serbo-Croatian right now."

Calmly, Issac turns to the other candidate, clears his throat, and says: "Baruch atah Adonai."

The other candidate smiles, bows his head, and replies: "Eloheinu melech ha'olam."

Labour or Conservative

I asked my friend's little daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.
 
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.
 
Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all those poor people on benefits." Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labour Party!" 

"That's a worthy goal!" I told her, and continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house,
mow the lawn, pull weeds, sweep my drive and I'll pay you £25. Then I'll take you over to that homeless chap who hangs out in front of the store. You
can give him the £25 to use toward food."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless man come over and do the work
himself and you can just pay him the £25?"

I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."
 
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
 

Death at Jerusalem‏

A Man and his Wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the Wife passed away. The Undertaker told the Husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can Bury her Here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The Man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped Home.

The Undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your Wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The Man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later He rose from the dead. I just can't take that Chance.

I want to be TV

A teacher from Primary School asks her students to write a essay about what they would like God to do for them...
At the end of the day while marking the essays, she read one that made her very emotional. Her husband, that had just walked in saw her crying and asked her:

- What happened?

She answered

- Read this. It's one of my students essays

Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a television. I want to take its place. Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place, And have my family around ME. To be taken seriously when I talk.... I want to be the centre of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives when it is not working. Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired. And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me... And... I want my brothers to fight to be with me... I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me. And last but not least make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them...

Lord I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like every TV

At that moment the husband said: - 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!

She looked up at him and said: - 'That essay is our son's !

Miserly Beggar

The king was to pass by a beggar's hut and the man was beside himself with excitement, not because he was about to see the king but because the king was known to part with expensive jewels and huge sums of money when moved by compassion.

He saw the king's chariot just as a kindly man was filling his begging bowl with uncooked rice. Pushing the man aside, he ran into the street, shouting praises of the king and the royal family. The chariot stopped and the king beckoned to the beggar.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"One of the most unfortunate of your subjects," said the beggar. "Poverty sits on my doorstep and follows me about like a dog. I haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon!"

"Have you nothing for your king except a tale of woe?" said the ruler, putting out his hand. "Give me something."

The beggar, astonished, carefully picked up 5 grains of rice from his bowl and laid them on the king's outstretched palm. The king drove away. The beggar's disappointment was great. He raved and ranted and cursed the king again and again for his miserliness. Finally, his anger spent, he went on his rounds. When he returned home in the evening he found a bag of rice on the floor.

"Some generous soul has been here," he thought and took out a handful of rice from the bag. To his astonishment there was a small piece of gold in it. He realised then that the bag had been sent by the king.
He emptied the rice on the floor, feeling sure there would be more gold pieces in it, and he was right. He found 5, one for each grain of rice he had given the king.

"It is not the king who has been miserly," thought the man, sadly. "If I had been generous and given him the whole bowl of rice, I would have been a rich man today."

Broker

Kanjibhai's broker called him this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age 65?"

"Yes, I remember," Kanjibhai said.

"Well," Kanjibhai's broker continued, "your retirement age is now 108."

Alexander's 10 questions to 10 brahmins

While in India, Alexander took ten of the Brahmins prisoner. These men had a great reputation for intelligence, so Alexander decided to give them a test. He announced that the one who gave the worst answer would be the first to die, and he made the oldest Brahmin the judge of the competition.

Which are more numerous, Alexander asked the first one, the living or the dead? "The living," said the Brahmin, "because the dead no longer count."

Which produces more creatures, the sea or the land? Alexander asked the second. "The land," was his answer, "because the sea is only a part of it."

The third was asked which animal was the smartest of all, and the Brahmin replied: "The one we have not found yet."

Alexander asked the fourth what argument he had used to stir up the Indians to fight, and he answered: "Only that one should either live nobly or die nobly."

Which is older: day or night? was Alexander's question to the fifth, and the answer he got was: "Day is older, by one day at least." When he saw that Alexander was not satisfied with this answer, the Brahmin added: "Strange questions get strange answers."

What should a man do to make himself loved? asked Alexander, and the sixth Brahmin replied: "Be powerful without being frightening."What does a man have to do to become a god? he asked the seventh, who responded: "Do what is impossible for a man."

The question to the eighth was whether death or life was stronger, and his answer: "Life is stronger than death, because it bears so many miseries."

The ninth Brahmin was asked how long it was proper for a man to live, and he said: "Until it seems better to die."Then Alexander turned to the judge, who decided that each one had answered worse than another. "You will die first, then, for giving such a decision," said Alexander. "Not so, mighty king," said the Brahmin, "if you want to
remain a man of your word. You said that you would kill first the one who made the worst answer." Alexander gave all of the Brahmins presents and set them free, even though they had persuaded the Indians to fight him.