2010 - In News

January

Jyoti Basu dies at 11.47 a.m., yet again almost making it to P.M.

UPSC increases civil services intake from 580 to 965. Ouch!!!! 385 more bureaucrats each year. A real ‘Babulation’ Explosion.

February

Kishenji announces his phone number : 9734695789. Now we don’t need the army to fight him. ICICI will finish him off.

Lok Sabha meets. Noise. Confusion. Lok Sabha adjourns. It’s time we rename our parliament - the Joke Sabha.

India says no to Bt brinjal. An auberginity lost?

March

What’s common to Iceland & Abhishek? Both are wondering what to do with Ash.

Sania Mirza announces that she’s going to marry Shoaib Malik. Thank God, Sania doesn’t have to do 7 pheras with Shoaib. She’ll never get past the first round.

April

Sachin Tendulkar’s birthday today? Let’s celebrate it as runmashtami. The good thing is that Sachin has turned 37. This means, for the next 365 days, he will be in his prime.

If Vijay Mallya had his way, after the quarter-finals, IPL would have the half-finals & full-final.

And the post-IPL party starts. Unfortunately, all the recent happenings only go to prove that an honest politician is the exception rather than Tharoor.

May

If India were a gym, Delhi would be the sauna, Chennai, the steam-room & Bangalore, the a/c reception. Mumbai will be the pool in 2 months.

If he’s sentenced to death, Kasab will be 51st in the queue. “Capital” punishment just means your file is stuck in Delhi.

Subhash Ghai was ahead of his times. He introduced 4G in 1989. A-G, oh- G, lo-G, suno-G.

June

FIFA World Cup provides lots of kicks. Hope Greece is not given a penalty. They’ll say they have no money to pay it. I don’t think Mexico will make any attempt at the Argentinian goal. A Mexican can’t take a shot without salt and lemon.

If India had qualified for the World Cup, Chetan Bhagat would have been goalie & Mamata the forward. He can block, she can strike.

TN may free 500 convicts to mark Tamil conference. Why, may I know? Did classical Tamil have shorter sentences?

July

Petrol price increased again. An optimist will now look at his tank as half fuel.

Just realized that M.S. Dhoni’s wife will be called Ms. Dhoni.

CWG fun begins. Now I understand why the CWG mascot is called Shera. They want a Shera this, a Shera that, and a Shera everything that makes money.

New HR rating scheme- 5: Exceeds Expectations, 4: Meets Expectations, 3: Average, 2: Needs Improvement, 1: Kalmadi.

If Sherlyn Chopra met Rakhi Sawant, would the CBI call it a fake encounter?

August

I’d like to start a paper factory that supplies clean chits to the CBI. Big business potential.

Congress to have elections to decide its President. Ha. That’s like Robinson Crusoe conducting interviews to select his assistant.

It’s a great day for our planet. All the top places in Miss Universe are bagged by earthlings.

Spot-fixing controversy hits Pakistan cricket. Pakistan is the world champion in book cricket.

September

1.6 million meals to be served during CWG. Oh. No wonder they have created such a big mess.

What Delhi needs is some Ram Sene folks. They won’t let the mosquitoes breed till they get married.

I propose that we make mosquitoes our national insect. Then the government will try to protect them and they’ll become extinct.

Ayodhya verdict happens. Seems to be on the basis of Share-ya law. This Ayodhya issue is quite complex. Hindus want a temple, Muslims want a mosque, while Mayawati actually wants a statue.

Raymonds wants to sponsor the Ayodhya verdict, because it turned out to be a 3-piece suit.

October

Obama’s goal seems to be to see as much of India and as little of Indians as possible.

Advice to Arundhati Roy : if at first you don’t secede, cry, cry, cry again.

Mukesh Ambani is not the first to stay in Antilla. Centuries back, Valmiki used to hang out in one.

November

Today is the day Krishna slays Narakusara, Rama returns to Ayodhya, Mahavira attains moksha, and Airtel makes a killing. Happy Diwali. The more the number of Diwali sweets in your house, the faster they get spoilt : burfi’s law.

Raja scam explodes. A Raja is living proof that there is a pot of gold at the end of the spectrum. In India, scams have an alarming frequency. And now, with Raja, frequencies have an alarming scam.

Manmohan Singh’s Third Law of Motion : Every action has an equal and opposite inaction. One day there will be a movie made about Manmohan Singh. And the director will go, “Lights. Camera. Inaction.”

Manmohan Singh’s personal integrity is unquestionable. Mostly because he never attends question hour.

Q : How do you fit 1000 media people in a hotel? A : 998 in 499 double rooms. And Barkha & Sanghvi in the lobby.

Why does phone-tapping make India a banana republic? Isn’t tapioca republic better?

December

TIME had a difficult choice for Person of the Year. Assange, who attacked governments’ privacy. Or Zuckerberg, who went after people’s.

Sarkozy is a VIP Frenchie, right?

Many bills were passed in the parliament session. Travel bills, food bills, etc.

Obama, Sarkozy, Jiabao & now Medvedev. If India can’t get to the Security Council, at least the Security Council is coming to India.