Reloading 70s

This will make sense only to Indians above 40 and having visited or lived
in INDIA.

1. Though you may not publicly own up to this, at the age of 12-17 years,
you were very proud of your first "Bell bottom" or your first "Maxi"or your
first "Apache" jeans.

2. Phantom & Mandrake were your only true heroes. The brainy ones read
"Competition Success Review". (Absolutely true!)

3. Your "Camlin" geometry box & Natraj/Flora pencil was your prized
possession.

4. The only "Holidays" you took were to go to your grandparents' or your
cousins' houses.

5. Ice-cream meant only - either an orange stick, a vanilla stick – or a
Choco Bar if you were better off than most.

6. You gave your neighbour’s phone number to others with a ‘c/o’ written
against it because you had booked yours only 7 years ago and were still
waiting for your number to come.

7. Your first family car (and the only one) was a Fiat or an Ambassador.
This often had to be pushed by the entire family to get going.

8. The glass windows in the back seats used to get stuck at the two-thirds
down level and used to irk you greatly! The window went down only if your
puny arm could manage the tacky rotary handle to pull it down. Locking the
door was easy. You just whacked the other tacky, non-rotary handle
downwards.

9. Your mom had stitched the weirdest lace curtains for all the windows of
the car. They were tied in the middle and if your dad was the
comfort-oriented kinds, you had a magnificent small fan upfront.

10. Your parents were proud owners of HMT watches. You "earned" yours after
SSC exams.

11. You have been to "Jumbo Circus"; have held your breath while the pretty
young thing in the glittery skirt did acrobatics, quite enjoyed the
elephants hitting football, the motorcyclist vrooming in the "Maut ka Gola"
and it was politically okay to laugh your guts out at dwarfs hitting each
other's bottoms!

12. You at least once heard "Hawa Mahal" on the radio.

13. If you had a TV, it was normal to expect the neighborhood to gather
around to watch the Chitrahaar or the Sunday movie. If you didn't have a
TV, you just went to a house that did. It mattered little if you knew the
owners or not.

14. Sometimes the owners of these TVs got very creative and got a bi or
even a tri-coloured anti-glare screen which they attached with two side
clips onto their Weston TVs. That confused the hell out of you!

15. Black & White TVs weren't so bad after all because cricket was played
in whites.

16. You thought your Dad rocked because you got your own (the family's; not
your own own!) colour TV when the Asian Games started. Everyone else got
the same idea as well and ever since, no one came over to your house and
you didn't go to anyone else's.

17. You dreaded the death of any political leader because of the mourning
they would announce on the TV. After all how much "Shastriya Sangeet" can a
kid take? Salma Sultana also didn't smile during the mourning.

18. You knew that "Indira Gandhi" was somebody really powerful and terribly
important. And that's all you needed to know.

19. The only "Gadgets" in the house were the TV, the Fridge and possibly a
mixer.

20. All the gadgets had to be duly covered with a crochet cover and
sometimes even with ingenious, custom-fit plastic covers.

21. Movies meant Rajesh Khanna or Amitabh Bachchan. Before the start of the
movie you always had to watch the obligatory "Newsreel".

22. You thought you were so rocking because you knew almost all the songs
of Abba and Boney M.

23. Your hormones went crazy when you heard "Disco Deewane" by Naziya
Hassan & Zoheb Hassan.

24. School teachers, your parents and even your neighbours could whack you
and it was all okay.

25. Photograph taking was a big thing. You were lucky if your family owned
a camera. A reel of 36 exposures was valuable hence it justified the half
hour preparation & "setting" & the "posing" for each picture. Therefore,
you have atleast one family picture where everyone is holding their breath
and standing at attention!

26. During Diwali celebaration it was family clothes tailored from our
favourite tailor down the road.

27. We walked to school or took a bus... the ones who got dropped by car
were always RICH ones.

28. Our outdoor games were gully danda, marbles, stick in the mud , langdi,
chupa chupi.

29. Going out to eat in a restaurant was an occasion may be once /twice in
a year.

30. Mostly we managed with one pair of shoes for the whole year at school,
our elder brother/sisters clothes , books were passed to us for school...

31. "Duckback" raincoats were premium what we could get starting the school
in rainy season every year...

Did you hear anyone say, OLD IS GOLD?





*(Yaadein Hari Ho Gayee)*

Ashok & the Interview

Ashok, a fresh computer graduate from a world-class University, goes for an inteview in a software company.

The interviewer is Sunder, a grubby old man. And the first question he asks Ashok is, `Are you good at logic?'

`Of course,' replies Ashok.

`Let me test you,' replies Sunder. `Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one would wash his face?'

Ashok stares at Sunder. `Is that a test in Logic?' Sunder nods.

`The one with the dirty face washes his face', Ashok answers wearily.

`Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the
dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face.'

`Hmm. I never thought of that," says Ashok. `Give me another test.'

Sunder holds up two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

`We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face.'

`Wrong. Each one washes one's face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and
thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes one's face.'

`I didn't think of that!' says Ashok. `It's shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!'

Sunder holds up two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

`Each one washes his face.'

`Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and
thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face. So neither one washes his face.'

Ashok is desperate. `I am qualified for this job. Please give me one more test!'

He groans when Sunder lifts his two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

`Neither one washes his face', Ashok replies, `I have learnt this logic.'

`Wrong, again. Do you now see, Ashok, why programming knowledge is insufficient for this job? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the
other with a dirty face? Don't you see the flaw in the premise?'"

LAWS WHICH NEWTON FORGOT TO STATE:

LAW OF QUEUE:If you change ur queue, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE:When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OFWORKSHOP:Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

BATH THEOREM:When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:The probability of meeting someone u know increases when u r with sum1 u don't want to b seen with. :P 

Lexiphi...Excellent play on words

A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.
A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
Acupuncture : . . . a jab well done.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.
Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

Alternate Fuel

Dr.Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds
visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol.

As luck would have it, a petrol station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a petrol can and buy some petrol.

The attendant told her that the only petrol can he owned had been taken by
somebody, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the Doctor was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait
and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in the car that she could fill with petrol and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with
petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two men watched from across
the street.

*One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm converting my
car too."*

Wo Jo

Sardar : Wo jo Table pe Admi betha h Usse hmari Dushmni hai 
Frnd : Table pe to 4 Admi hai
Srdr : Wo jis ki Moochhein hai 
Frnd : Moochein to Sab ki hai
Srdr : Wo jis k Safaid kapde hai 
Frnd : Wo to Sab ke hai ,
Sardar ne Gusse me Pistol Nikali aur 3 Admion ko Mar kar bola...
Wo jo Reh Geya hai wo Hamara Dushman hai.

Taxes

DEAR  God,

Please give me strength to pay my Income Tax, GST, VAT, CST, Service Tax, Excise Duty, Customs Duty, Octroi, TDS, ESI, Property Tax, StampDuty,  Water Tax, Professional Tax, Road Tax, STT, Education Cess, Wealth Tax, TOT, Capital Gain Tax, Congestion Levy etc etc etc.
 And don't forgetHafta, Donations, Bribes, Chanda etc.

If I have some money left after that I will do business.


Indian Aam Aadmi

Grey Hair

Customer asked to the shopkeeper: 
“What do you have for greying hair?” 

The Shopkeeper replied: "Highest respect Sir.”

Always Ask Never Assume

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Life is short.......

Someone said:

When you ASSUME = you make an ASS out of U and ME....

Little book of Life

Have  a firm handshake. 

Look  people in the eye. 

Sing  in the shower . 

Own  a great stereo system. 

If  in a fight, hit first and hit hard. 

Keep  secrets. 

Never  give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday. 

Always  accept an outstretched hand. 

Be  brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.   

Whistle  . 

Avoid  sarcastic remarks.

Choose  your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all  your happiness or misery. 

Make  it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.   

Lend  only those books you never care to see again. 

Never  deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they  have. 

When  playing games with ! children, let them win. 

Give  people a second chance, but not a third. 

Be  romantic. 

Become  the most positive and enthusiastic person you know. 

Loosen  up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it  first seems. 

Don't  allow the phone to interrupt importantmoments.  It's there for your convenience, not the caller's. 

Be  a good loser. 

Be  a good winner. 

Think  twice before burdening a friend with a secret. 

When  someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go. 

Be  modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born. 

Keep  it simple. 

Beware  of the person who has nothing to lose. 

Don't  burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same  river. 

Live  your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets 

Be  bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you  didn't do more than the one's you did. 

Never  waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them. 

Remember  no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those  who helped you. 

Take  charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for  you. 

Visit  friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few  minutes. 

Begin  each day with some of your favorite music. 

Once  in a while, take the scenic route. 

Send  a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're  terrific.' 

Answer  the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your  voice. 

  
Show  respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their  job. 

Send  your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later. 

Make  someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind  you. 

Become  someone's hero. 

Marry  only for love. 

Count  your blessings. 

Compliment  the meal when you're a guest in someone's home. 

Wave  at the children on a school bus. 

Remember  that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with  people.

Don't Mess with Women

 A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. 

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. 
 
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. 
 
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' 
 
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever,
Don't mess with them.

The Most List

Our Birth is our Opening Balance! 
Our Death is our Closing Balance! 
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities 

Our Creative Ideas are our Assets 
Heart is our Current Asset 
Soul is our Fixed Asset 

Brain is our Fixed Deposit 
Thinking is our Current Account 
Achievements are our Capital 

Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade 
Friends are our General Reserves 
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill 

Patience is our Interest Earned 
Love is our Dividend 
Children are our Bonus Issues 
Education is Brands / Patents 
Knowledge is our Investment 
Experience is our Premium Account
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately. 
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award. 
Some very Good and Very bad things .... 

The most destructive habit...............Worry 
The greatest Joy.................................Giving 
The greatest loss.................................Loss of self-respect  
The most satisfying work..................Helping others 
The ugliest personality trait.............Selfishness 
The most endangered species...........Dedicated leaders  

Our greatest natural resource...............Our youth 
The greatest 'shot in the arm'..........Encouragement 
The greatest problem to overcome..................Fear  
The most effective sleeping pill...................Peace of mind 
The most crippling failure disease..............Excuses 
The most powerful force in life...................Love 
The most dangerous pariah.........................A gossiper  
The world's most i ncredible computer......The brain 
The worst thing to be without..................... Hope 
The deadliest weapon...................................The tongue 
The two most power-filled words................'I Can' 
The greatest asset...........................................Faith  
The most worthless emotion..........................Self-pity 
The most beautiful attire...............................SMILE! 
The most prized possession............................Integrity 
The most powerful channel of communication.....Prayer  
The most contagious spirit............................Enthusiasm

Balance Sheet of Life...

Einstein For You

Albert Einstein’s wife often suggested that he dress more professionally,
when he headed off to work.
“Why should I?” he would invariably argue.
Everyone knows me there.”
When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference,
she begged him to dress up a bit.
“Why should I?” said Einstein.
“No one knows me there

============ ========= ========= ========= =============

Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity.
“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour,”
he once declared.
“Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
That’s relativity!”


========= ========= ========= ========= ================


When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university,
one day he was going back home he forgot his home address.
The driver of the cab did not recognize him.
Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein’s home.
The driver said “Who does not know Einstein’s address?
Everyone in  Princeton knows.
Do you want to meet him?”.
Einstein replied “I am Einstein.
I forgot my home address, can you take me there? ”
The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him .


============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===


Einstein was once travelling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle,
punching the tickets of every passenger.
When he came to Einstein,
Einstein reached in his vest pocket.
He couldn’t find his ticket,
so he reached in his trouser pockets.
It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it.
Then he looked in the seat beside him.
He still couldn’t find it.
The conductor said,
‘Dr. Einstein, I know who you are.
We all know who you are.
I’m sure you bought a ticket.
Don’t worry about it.’
Einstein nodded appreciatively.
The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets.
As he was ready to move to the next car,
he turned around and saw the great physicist
down on his hands and knees
looking under his seat for his ticket.
The conductor rushed back and said,
‘Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t worry,
I know who you are. No problem.
You don’t need a ticket.
I’m sure you bought one.’
Einstein looked at him and said,
‘Young man, I too, know who I am.
What I don’t know is where I’m going. That’s why I am searching my ticket”