Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women, she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19 : Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged..

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

 October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Christmas Story

The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy, “What do you do at Christmas time?”

Patrick addressed the class, “Well, Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.” “Very nice Patrick,” she said.

“Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”

“Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office and we all pile into the Rolls Royce. Then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing, ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus’. Then we all go to the Bahamas.”

Little Known Abbreviations

NEWS : NORTH EAST WEST SOUTH

CHESS: Chariot, Horse, Elephant, SoldierS.

COLD : Chronic Obstructive Lung Disease.

JOKE : Joy Of Kids Entertainment.

AIM : Ambition In Mind.

DATE : Day And Time Evolution.

EAT : Energy And Taste.

TEA : Taste And Energy Admitted.

PEN : Power Enriched In Nib.

SMILE : Sweet Memories In Lip Expression.

BYE : Be with You Everytime. :)

As you wish...

Some one Asked to God-"If everything is already written in destiny,then why should we wish ?

God smiled and said -: May be I had written -"AS YOU WISH"

Marwadi...

Titanic ke Saath Marwadi Bhi Doob Raha Tha.

Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha.


Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?


Marwadi: Shukar Hai Maine Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda

Rashtriya...

दोस्तो हमारा राष्ट्रीय ध्वज तिरंगा है और राष्ट्रिय पंछी मोर है,इसके अलावा जो राष्ट्रीय चिन्ह है उसकी जानकारी निम्न प्रकार है......
राष्ट्रीय रोबोट…मनमोहन सिंह!
राष्ट्रीय गेम चेंजर…राहुल गांधी!
राष्ट्रीय समस्या…मनीष तिवारी!
राष्ट्रीय छिछोरा…एनडी तिवारी!

राष्ट्रीय सेल्समैन…एसआरके!
राष्ट्रीय संदेशवाहक…बरखा दत्त!
राष्ट्रीय रहस्य…सोनिया गांधी!
राष्ट्रीय नतमस्तक केंद्र…दस जनपथ!

राष्ट्रीय खुजली…महेश भट्ट!
राष्ट्रीय बाम…झंडू!
राष्ट्रीय चुगलखोर…स्वामी अग्निवेश!
राष्ट्रीय स्ट्रगलर…अभिषेक बच्चन!
राष्ट्रीय दामाद… कसाब, अफज़ल गुरू और
रॉबर्ट वढेरा के बीच टाई!
राष्ट्रीय कोयल…मीरा कुमार!
राष्ट्रीय पुरुष…अर्चना पूरन सिंह!
राष्ट्रीय महिला…करण जौहर!
राष्ट्रीय गहनों की दुकान…बप्पी लहरी!
राष्ट्रीय ‘बाल’ कलाकार…अनिल कपूर!
राष्ट्रीय नायिका…नरगिस फाकरी!
राष्ट्रीय गायिका…डॉली बिंद्रा!
राष्ट्रीय गर्लफ्रेंड…दीपिका पादुकोण!
राष्ट्रीय रईसज़ादा..सिद्धार्थ माल्या!
राष्ट्रीय बकता…नवजोत सिंह सिद्धू!
राष्ट्रीय टेलीफोन ऑपरेटर…दिग्विजय
सिंह!
राष्ट्रीय गणितज्ञ…कपिल सिब्बल
राष्ट्रीय मसखरा… लालू यादव!
राष्ट्रीय इंतज़ार…सचिन का सौंवा शतक!
राष्ट्रीय दहशत…रा वन का सीक्वल!
राष्ट्रीय गाली…आम आदमी!
राष्ट्रीय शर्म…अरूंधति राय!
राष्ट्रीय कुकर्म…शक्ति कपूर!
राष्ट्रीय ख्वाहिश…सनी लिओन!
राष्ट्रीय हाथ…सनी देओल!
राष्ट्रीय चिंता…सलमान की शादी!
राष्ट्रीय चांटा प्रदायकर्ता- हरविंदर सिंह!
राष्ट्रीय शिशु…पार्थिव पटेल!
राष्ट्रीय ‘मैं होशियार’…अरिंदम चौधरी!
राष्ट्रीय गिरगिट… अजित सिंह!
राष्ट्रीय टेडीबीयर…नितिन गडकरी!
राष्ट्रीय रथ यात्री…लालकृष्ण आडवाणी!
राष्ट्रीय आलराउंडर…अजित अगरकर!
राष्ट्रीय असंतुष्ट..मेधा पाटकर!
राष्ट्रीय भुलक्कड़…एसएम कृष्णा!
राष्ट्रीय अतिथि…हिना रब्बानी!
राष्ट्रीय स्कूल…लवली पब्लिक स्कूल!
राष्ट्रीय ढीठ…राजा चौधरी!
राष्ट्रीय पागलखाना…बिग बॉस का घऱ!
राष्ट्रीय हंसी…राहुल महाजन!
राष्ट्रीय जासूस…दया!
राष्ट्रीय भोजन – कसम!
राष्ट्रीय टाइम पास…मूंगफली!
राष्ट्रीय पक्षी…ट्विटर!
राष्ट्रीय फिल्म..राम गोपाल
वर्मा की आग!
राष्ट्रीय मैगज़ीन..मनोहर कहानियां!
राष्ट्रीय किसान – अमिताभ बच्चन!
राष्ट्रीय हाथ…हरविंदर सिंह!
राष्ट्रीय गाल…शरद पवार!
राष्ट्रीय एक्सप्रेशन..LOL!
राष्ट्रीय फ्रॉड…कंडीशन्स अप्लाई*!
राष्ट्रीय दवा – संधि सुधा!
राष्ट्रीय आईटी एक्सपर्ट…विश्वबंधु
गुप्ता!
राष्ट्रीय बहन-मायावती!
राष्ट्रीय मां-बहन…राखी सावंत!
अगर कोई बाकी रह गया हो तो कृपया बताईयेँ!

Car Park

Wayne was returning home from a business trip... bags in hand ... and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage.

Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him.

“Get in,” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.”

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah ... no thanks,” he answered. “I can get there myself.”

“No,” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get In!”

Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver’s face softened ..... “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park and I want yours.”

Worse than being Old

Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent?

Doctor: Yes there is - being young and broke.

FB Humour

In a college application form  when asked about 'permanent address' student wrote: 
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www.facebook.com

FB Humor

Once a guy updated his status “I m gonna sleep In Garden tonight”

After sometime

17 mosquitoes liked his status