Age & Youth

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in   Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. 

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. 

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard!  I wonder if there are any more around here?' 

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!' 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. 

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! 

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. 

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! 

Moral of this story.... 

Don't mess with the old .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! 

Difference between Small CA firm and Big Four

Small CA Firm: I will drive the car from point A to point B. Fee: Rs 500

Big 4: We will take charge of front seat, handle the steering, shift gear simultaneously using clutch and accelerator to increase, decrease or control speed and apply breaks wherever necessary. Yes in addition to ensure clearly visibility in darker times we will switch on the head lights and wiper when raining. We will ensure that our all actions complies with local laws such as understanding signal and gesture protocols of traffic cops and seat belt application.

Fees: Rs 5000

Disclaimer: We don't undertake responsibility of you reaching the destination as the same is subject to directions given by you.

Women & Driving

Yesterday I was having some work done at the Maruti dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred- ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!

He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is..........

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Women ? The mechanic fainted!! 

A logic that may work

 A man eats two eggs each morning for breakfast.  When he goes to the Kirana store he pays Rs. 12 a dozen.  Since a dozen eggs won't last a week he normally buys two dozens at a time. One day while buying eggs he notices that the price has risen to Rs. 16. The next time he buys groceries, eggs are Rs. 22 a dozen.

 

When asked to explain the price of eggs the store owner says, "The price has gone up and I have to raise my price accordingly". This store buys 100 dozen eggs a day.  He checked around for a better price and all the distributors have raised their prices. The distributors have begun to buy from the huge egg farms.  The small egg farms have been driven out of business.  The huge egg farms sell 100,000 dozen eggs a day to distributors.  With no competition, they can set the price as they see fit. The distributors then have to raise their prices to the grocery stores. And on and on and on.

 

As the man kept buying eggs the price kept going up. He saw the big egg trucks delivering 100 dozen eggs each day. Nothing changed there.   He checked out the huge egg farms and found they were selling 100,000 dozen eggs to the distributors daily. Nothing had changed but the price of eggs.

 

Then week before Diwali the price of eggs shot up to Rs. 40 a dozen. Again he asked the grocery owner why and was told, "Cakes and baking for the holiday".  The huge egg farmers know there will be a lot of baking going on and more eggs will be used. Hence, the price of eggs goes up. Expect the same thing at Christmas and other times when family cooking, baking, etc. happen.

 

This pattern continues until the price of eggs is Rs. 60 a dozen. The man says, "There must be something we can do about the price of eggs".

 

He starts talking to all the people in his town and they decide to stop buying eggs. This didn't work because everyone needed eggs.

 

Finally, the man suggested only buying what you need.  He ate 2 eggs a day. On the way home from work he would stop at the grocery and buy two eggs. Everyone in town started buying 2 or 3 eggs a day.

 

The grocery store owner began complaining that he had too many eggs in his cooler.  He told the distributor that he didn't need any eggs.

Maybe wouldn't need any all week.

 

The distributor had eggs piling up at his warehouse.  He told the huge egg farms that he didn't have any room for eggs would not need any for at least two weeks.

 

At the egg farm, the chickens just kept on laying eggs.   To relieve the pressure, the huge egg farm told the distributor that they could buy the eggs at a lower price.

 

The distributor said, " I don't have the room for the eggs even if they were free".   The distributor told the grocery store owner that he would lower the price of the eggs if the store would start buying again.

 

The grocery store owner said, "I don't have room for more eggs. The customers are only buying 2 or 3 eggs at a time.  Now if you were to drop the price of eggs back down to the original price, the customers would start buying by the dozen again".

 

The distributors sent that proposal to the huge egg farmers but the egg farmers liked the price they were getting for their eggs but, those chickens just kept on laying.  Finally, the egg farmers lowered the price of their eggs.  But only a few paisa.

 

The customers still bought 2 or 3 eggs at a time. They said, "when the price of  eggs gets down to where it was before, we will start buying by the dozen."

 

Slowly the price of eggs started dropping.  The distributors had to slash their prices to make room for the eggs coming from the egg farmers.  

 

The egg farmers cut their prices because the distributors wouldn't buy at a higher price than they were selling eggs for. Anyway, they had full warehouses and wouldn't need eggs for quite a while. 

 

And those chickens kept on laying.

 

Eventually, the egg farmers cut their prices because they were throwing away eggs they couldn't sell.

 

The distributors started buying again because the eggs were priced to where the  stores could afford to sell them at the lower price.

 

And the customers started buying by the dozen again.

 

Now, transpose this analogy to the gasoline industry.

 

What if everyone only bought Rs 300.00 worth of Petrol each time they pulled to the pump?  The dealer's tanks would stay semi full all the time.  The dealers wouldn't have room for the gas coming from the huge tanks.  The tank farms wouldn't  have room for the petrol coming from the refining plants. And the refining plants wouldn't have room for the oil being off loaded from the huge tankers coming from the oil fiends.

 

Just Rs. 500.00 each time you buy gas. Don't fill up the tank of your car. You may have to stop for gas twice a week, but the price should come down.

 

Think about it.

 Also, don't buy anything else at the fuel station; don't give them any more of your hard earned money than what you spend on gas, until the prices come down..."

 

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH SMART ANSWERS

BOY: May I hold your hand?

GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

 

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!

BOY: You love me...

 

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??

 

GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.

BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

 

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.

BOY: Don't you ever want to improve??

 

BOY: I love you and I could die for you!

GIRL: How soon??

 

BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!

GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??

 

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??

TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

 

MAN: You remind me of the sea.

WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?

MAN: NO, because you make me sick.

 

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

 

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,  Peter?

PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

 

Girlfriend : "....And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"

Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

 

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"

Pupil : "The moon".

Teacher : "Why?"

Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

 

 Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Pupil : "A teacher".

 

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"

Customer : "What other colors do you have ?"

 

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

 

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"

Sam : "It's a family tradition".

Teacher : "What do you mean?"

Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".

Teacher : "What about your mother?"

Sam : "She's a woman"..

 

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"

David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

 

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"

Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

 

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"

Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

 

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

 

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"

One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."  

Whacky Definitions

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays. 

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich. 

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills. 

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower. 


Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" 

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. 

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. 

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work. 

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. 

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. 

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after. 

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read. 

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. 

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. 

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. 

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. 

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death

Attitude

This is Attitude 1) Heavy rains remind us of challenges in life. Never ask for a lighter rain. Just pray for a better umbrella. 2) When flood comes, fish eat ants & when flood recedes, ants eat fish. Only time matters. Just hold on, God gives opportunity to everyone! 3) Life is not about finding the right person, but creating the right relationship, it is not how we care in the beginning, but how much we care till the ending. 4) Some people always throw stones in your path. It depends on you what you make with them, Wall or Bridge? Remember you are the architect of your life. 5) Every problem has (n+1) solutions, where n is the number of solutions that you have tried and 1 is that you have not tried. That's life. 6) It is not important to hold all the good cards in life. But it is important how well you play with the cards which you hold. 7) Often when we lose all hope & think this is the end, God smiles from above and says, 'Relax dear, it is just a bend. Not the end. Have Faith and have a successful life. 8) When you feel sad, to cheer up, just go to the mirror and say, 'Damn I am really so cute' and you will overcome your sadness. But don't make this a habit because liars go to hell. 9) One of the basic differences between God and human is, God gives, gives and forgives. But human gets, gets, gets and forgets. Be thankful in life! 10) Only two types of persons are happy in this world. 1st is Mad and 2nd is Child. Be Mad to achieve what you desire and be a Child to enjoy what you have achieved!

Knowledge Sharing

There was this robbery in Guangzhou, the robber shouted to everyone "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you."  Everyone in the bank lie down quietly.  

This is called "Mind Changing Concept - Changing the conventional way of thinking"

 

One lady lay on the table provocatively, and the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"  

This is called "Being Professional --Focus only on what you are trained to do!"

 

When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (with only primary school edu), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and say" U  stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!".  

This is called "Experience --nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications".

 

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.  The supervisor says " wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 mil RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".  

This is called "Swim with the tide --converting an unfavorable situation into your advantage !"

 

The supervisor says " it will be good there will be a robbery every month".

This is called "Killing Boredom --Happiness is most important"

 

Next day the TV reported 100 mil was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted but had only 20 mil.  The robbers were very angry and said," we risked our lives and only took 20 mil, the bank manager took 80 mil with a snap of his finger.  It looks like it is better to be educated to be able to do this!"  

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"

 

The bank manger was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares were also now absorbed in this robbery.  

This is called "Seizing the opportunity --daring to take risk!"

Crazy not stupid

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of mental health).

He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem....no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."

Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that" The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"


Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

Beauty of Mathematics

                          1 x 8 + 1= 9

12 x 8 + 2= 98  

123 x 8 + 3= 987  

1234 x 8 + 4= 9876  

12345 x 8 + 5= 98765  

123456 x 8 + 6= 987654  

1234567 x 8 + 7= 9876543  

12345678 x 8 + 8= 98765432  

123456789 x 8 + 9= 987654321  

1 x 9 + 2 = 11 
12 x 9 + 3 = 111 
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111  
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111 
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111  
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111 
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111  
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111  
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111  
9 x 9 + 7 = 88 
98 x 9 + 6 = 888  
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888  
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888  
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888  
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888  
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888 
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888 
Brilliant, isn't it?  
And look at this symmetry:  
1 x 1 = 1 
11 x 11 = 121  
111 x 111 = 12321 
1111 x 1111 = 1234321  
11111 x 11111 = 123454321  
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321 
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321  
11111111 x 11111111 =123456787654321  
111111111 x 111111111 =12345678987654321  
Mind Boggling....  
    
Now, take a look at this...  
101%  
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:  
What Equals 100%?  
What does it mean to give MORE than100%? 
Ever wonder about those people who say they  
are giving more than 100%? 
We have all been in situations where someone wants you to  
GIVE OVER 100%...  
How about ACHIEVING 101%?  
What equals 100%in life?  
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help  
answer these questions:  
If:  
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z  
Is represented as:  
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.  
Then:  
H-A-R-D-W-O- R- K  
8+1+18+4+23+ 15+18+11 = 98%  
And:  
K-N-O-W-L-E- D-G-E  
11+14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%  
But:  
A-T-T-I-T-U- D-E  
1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%  

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:  
While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will  
get you there!        

Long Live Bachelors

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!

--Anonymous
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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde
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Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

--Scottish Proverb
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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

--Sam Kinison
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Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

--H. L. Mencken
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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:

either the car is new or the wife.

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.

--Anonymous

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary? " She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"

--Anonymous

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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

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My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

--Anonymous

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She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.

--Anonymous

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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

--Anonymous

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Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs... .."

--Anonymous
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!

--Anonymous

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."

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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled "It really works ! "