Being Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find  out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... For a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?

Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea of how long it'll take to find a lawyer?" I will never be able to find a lawyer or a judge in Heaven!!

Irony of Life...

Most 'First Class' and the bright students get technical seats, some become Doctors and some Engineers etc…

The 'Second Class' just pass, and then pass MBA, become Administrators and Control the 'First Class'.

The 'Third Class' pass, enter politics and become Ministers and control both…

Last, but not the least, The 'Failures' join the underworld and control All the above.

How do you do it?

As the bus pulled away, Janet realized she had left her purse under the seat. Later she called the company and was relieved to find out the driver had found her bag. When she went to pick it up, several off- duty bus drivers surrounded her. One of the men handed over her pocketbook, two typewritten pages, and a box containing the contents of Janet's purse.

"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As she started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse... and we'd like to see just how you do it."

2010 - In News

January

Jyoti Basu dies at 11.47 a.m., yet again almost making it to P.M.

UPSC increases civil services intake from 580 to 965. Ouch!!!! 385 more bureaucrats each year. A real ‘Babulation’ Explosion.

February

Kishenji announces his phone number : 9734695789. Now we don’t need the army to fight him. ICICI will finish him off.

Lok Sabha meets. Noise. Confusion. Lok Sabha adjourns. It’s time we rename our parliament - the Joke Sabha.

India says no to Bt brinjal. An auberginity lost?

March

What’s common to Iceland & Abhishek? Both are wondering what to do with Ash.

Sania Mirza announces that she’s going to marry Shoaib Malik. Thank God, Sania doesn’t have to do 7 pheras with Shoaib. She’ll never get past the first round.

April

Sachin Tendulkar’s birthday today? Let’s celebrate it as runmashtami. The good thing is that Sachin has turned 37. This means, for the next 365 days, he will be in his prime.

If Vijay Mallya had his way, after the quarter-finals, IPL would have the half-finals & full-final.

And the post-IPL party starts. Unfortunately, all the recent happenings only go to prove that an honest politician is the exception rather than Tharoor.

May

If India were a gym, Delhi would be the sauna, Chennai, the steam-room & Bangalore, the a/c reception. Mumbai will be the pool in 2 months.

If he’s sentenced to death, Kasab will be 51st in the queue. “Capital” punishment just means your file is stuck in Delhi.

Subhash Ghai was ahead of his times. He introduced 4G in 1989. A-G, oh- G, lo-G, suno-G.

June

FIFA World Cup provides lots of kicks. Hope Greece is not given a penalty. They’ll say they have no money to pay it. I don’t think Mexico will make any attempt at the Argentinian goal. A Mexican can’t take a shot without salt and lemon.

If India had qualified for the World Cup, Chetan Bhagat would have been goalie & Mamata the forward. He can block, she can strike.

TN may free 500 convicts to mark Tamil conference. Why, may I know? Did classical Tamil have shorter sentences?

July

Petrol price increased again. An optimist will now look at his tank as half fuel.

Just realized that M.S. Dhoni’s wife will be called Ms. Dhoni.

CWG fun begins. Now I understand why the CWG mascot is called Shera. They want a Shera this, a Shera that, and a Shera everything that makes money.

New HR rating scheme- 5: Exceeds Expectations, 4: Meets Expectations, 3: Average, 2: Needs Improvement, 1: Kalmadi.

If Sherlyn Chopra met Rakhi Sawant, would the CBI call it a fake encounter?

August

I’d like to start a paper factory that supplies clean chits to the CBI. Big business potential.

Congress to have elections to decide its President. Ha. That’s like Robinson Crusoe conducting interviews to select his assistant.

It’s a great day for our planet. All the top places in Miss Universe are bagged by earthlings.

Spot-fixing controversy hits Pakistan cricket. Pakistan is the world champion in book cricket.

September

1.6 million meals to be served during CWG. Oh. No wonder they have created such a big mess.

What Delhi needs is some Ram Sene folks. They won’t let the mosquitoes breed till they get married.

I propose that we make mosquitoes our national insect. Then the government will try to protect them and they’ll become extinct.

Ayodhya verdict happens. Seems to be on the basis of Share-ya law. This Ayodhya issue is quite complex. Hindus want a temple, Muslims want a mosque, while Mayawati actually wants a statue.

Raymonds wants to sponsor the Ayodhya verdict, because it turned out to be a 3-piece suit.

October

Obama’s goal seems to be to see as much of India and as little of Indians as possible.

Advice to Arundhati Roy : if at first you don’t secede, cry, cry, cry again.

Mukesh Ambani is not the first to stay in Antilla. Centuries back, Valmiki used to hang out in one.

November

Today is the day Krishna slays Narakusara, Rama returns to Ayodhya, Mahavira attains moksha, and Airtel makes a killing. Happy Diwali. The more the number of Diwali sweets in your house, the faster they get spoilt : burfi’s law.

Raja scam explodes. A Raja is living proof that there is a pot of gold at the end of the spectrum. In India, scams have an alarming frequency. And now, with Raja, frequencies have an alarming scam.

Manmohan Singh’s Third Law of Motion : Every action has an equal and opposite inaction. One day there will be a movie made about Manmohan Singh. And the director will go, “Lights. Camera. Inaction.”

Manmohan Singh’s personal integrity is unquestionable. Mostly because he never attends question hour.

Q : How do you fit 1000 media people in a hotel? A : 998 in 499 double rooms. And Barkha & Sanghvi in the lobby.

Why does phone-tapping make India a banana republic? Isn’t tapioca republic better?

December

TIME had a difficult choice for Person of the Year. Assange, who attacked governments’ privacy. Or Zuckerberg, who went after people’s.

Sarkozy is a VIP Frenchie, right?

Many bills were passed in the parliament session. Travel bills, food bills, etc.

Obama, Sarkozy, Jiabao & now Medvedev. If India can’t get to the Security Council, at least the Security Council is coming to India.

As I began to love myself - by Charlie Chaplin

"As I began to love myself - by Charlie Chaplin 16 April 1959. ".

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is "AUTHENTICITY".

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody as I try to force my desires on this person,
even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me.
Today I call it "RESPECT".

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life,and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it "Maturity".

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time,and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it "SELF-CONFIDENCE".

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer,and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it "SIMPLICITY".

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health - food, people, things, situations,
and everything the drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is "LOVE OF ONESELF".

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is "MODESTY".

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it. "FULFILLMENT".

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection "WISDOM OF THE HEART".

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS "LIFE"!

The case against Lord Krishna

A nun in Warsaw, Poland, filed a case against ISKCON (International Society for Krishna Consciousness). The case came up in court. The nun remarked that ISKCON was spreading its activities and gaining followers in Poland. She wanted ISKCON banned because its followers were glorifying a character called Krishna “who had loose morals,having married 16,000 women called Gopikas.

The ISKCON defendant to the Judge: “Please ask the nun to repeat the oath she took when she was ordained as a nun.”

The Judge asked the nun to recite the oath loudly. She would not.

The ISKCON man asked whether he could read out the oath for the nun. "Go ahead," said the judge.

The oath said in effect that 'she (the nun) is married to Jesus Christ'.

The ISKCON man said, "Your Lordship! Lord Krishna is alleged to have 'married' 16,000 women. There are more than a million nuns who assert that they are married to Jesus Christ. Between the two, Krishna and the nuns, who has a loose character?”

The case was dismissed…

ONLY

Professor Ernest Brennecke of Columbia is credited with inventing a sentence that can be made to have eight different meanings by placing ONE WORD in all possible positions in the sentence:
"I hit him in the eye yesterday."

The word is "ONLY".

The Message:
1.ONLY I hit him in the eye yesterday. (No one else did.)
2.I ONLY hit him in the eye yesterday. (Did not slap him.)
3.I hit ONLY him in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit others.)
4.I hit him ONLY in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit outside the eye.)
5.I hit him in ONLY the eye yesterday. (Not other organs.)
6.I hit him in the ONLY eye yesterday. (He doesn't have another eye..)
7.I hit him in the eye ONLY yesterday. (Not today.)
8.I hit him in the eye yesterday ONLY. (Did not wait for today.)

This is the beauty and complexity of the English language. 

Give Your Best to Relationship

A boy and a girl were playing together.The boy had a collection of marbles. The girl had some sweets with her.
 
The boy told the girl that he will give her all his marbles in exchange for her sweets. The girl agreed. 
 
The boy kept the biggest and the most beautiful marble aside and gave the rest to the girl. The girl gave him all her sweets as she had promised.
 
That night, girl slept peacefully. But the boy couldn't sleep as he kept wondering if the girl had hidden some sweets from him the way he had hidden his best marble.
 

Moral of the story:

If you don't give your hundred percent in a relationship, always keep doubting  if the other person has given his/her hundred percent..
 
This is applicable for any relationship like love, employer-employee relationship etc. Give your hundred percent to everything you do and sleep peacefully.

Criticism and Correction

Once upon a time there was a painter who had just completed his course. He took 3 days and painted beautiful scenery. He wanted people's opinion about his caliber and painting skills.

He put his creation at a busy street-crossing. And just down below aboard which read -"I have painted this piece. Since I'm new to this profession I might have committed some mistakes in my strokes etc. Please put a cross wherever you see a mistake."

While he came back in the evening to collect his painting he was completely shattered to see that whole canvass was filled with Xs (crosses) and some people had even written their comments on the painting.

Disheartened and broken completely he ran to his master's place and burst into tears.

This young artist was breathing heavily and master heard him saying"I'm useless and if this is what I have learnt to paint I'm not worth becoming a painter. People have rejected me completely. I feel like dying"

Master smiled and suggested "My Son, I will prove that you are a great artist and have learnt flawless painting. Do as I say without questioning it. It WILL work."

Young artist reluctantly agreed and two days later early morning he presented a replica of his earlier painting to his master. Master took that gracefully and smiled.

"Come with me." master said.

They reached the same street-square early morning and displayed the same painting exactly at the same place. Now master took out another board which read -"Gentlemen, I have painted this piece. Since I'm new to this profession I might have committed some mistakes in my strokes etc. I have put a box with colors and brushes just below. Please do a favor. If you see a mistake, kindly pick up the brush and correct it."

Master and disciple walked back home.

They both visited the place same evening. Young painter was surprised to see that actually there was not a single correction done so far. Next day again they visited and found painting remained untouched. They say the painting was kept there for a month for no correction came in!

Moral of the story:

"It is easier to criticize, but DIFFICULT TO CORRECT !"

So don't get carried away or judge yourself by someone else's criticism and feel depressed...

JUDGE YOURSELF! YOU ARE YOUR BEST JUDGE.  

Capitalist or Socialist?

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college.

Like so many others her age group in college, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a typical liberal professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the capitalist side of the fence."

If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between capitalist and socialist or progressive or neocon I'm all ears. If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a capitalist doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a socialist doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a capitalist is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a socialist is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a capitalist is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a socialist is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a capitalist is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A socialist wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a capitalist doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Socialist demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a capitalist is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A socialist non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.(Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)

If a capitalist decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A socialist demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a capitalist reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A socialist will delete it because he's "offended".