Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A Physics Joke

Newton, Pascal, and Einstein are playing hide-and-go-seek in heaven.

Einstein closes his eyes and starts counting.

Pascal goes and hides behind a cloud.

Newton stays where he is, and draws a 1mx1m square on the floor around him.

Einstein finishes counting and turns around. "Ah ha, Newton! I found you!"

"No you haven't, you've found one Newton over 1m2 . . . You found Pascal."

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

2 Stories of a Greedy Man

A man was promised that he would inherit all the land he covers by running from morning till evening. So he started running from 6 o’ clock in the morning. In order to inherit as much land as possible he kept running mustering all his might. It was 12 noon. Although sweating profusely, he still continued running despite the scorching heat with a thought to possess vast acres of land so that he can become one of the richest men in the world. He was obviously greedy. By about 5.55 p.m. he almost covered an area of land of so many miles. When he was about to finish his run people encouraged him by clapping their hands and exclaimed, “You have become a billionaire.” Finally by 6 in the evening he finished his run exactly in the place where he started. Alas! When he was about to become a billionaire he fell down dead in an unexpected manner. All that he needed was just a piece of land measuring six feet to bury his body.


This story tells the story of a greedy man who is never satisfied with what he has. The more he gets, the more he wants.There was a farmer in a village. He was very ambitious. He wanted to make more and more money. In the spring time, when it was rainy, he called out to God, "If it were sunny, I would sow some wheat." The next day, it became sunny, and the farmer sowed some wheat.After that, he called out to God, "If it were rainy, it would be useful for my wheat." The following day, it rained.The farmer called out to God, "If you gave more rain, my wheat would grow more." The following day, it rained again.Then, in summer time, he harvested his wheat and collected it in a heap. The farmer called out to God, "If you had given more rain, my wheat harvest would have been bigger."He asked God, "Why didn't you give me more rain and more wheat?" Then God made heavy rain, and all of the farmer's wheat floated away with the water.

Monday, July 11, 2011

7 Habita of Highly Effective People...in Nutshell


 







Habit 1
Be Proactive®
Take initiative, Manage change, Respond proactively, Keep commitments, Take responsibility and practice accountability, Create positive business results.
Habit 2
Begin With the End in Mind®
Define vision and values, Create a mission statement, Set measurable team and personal goals, Start projects successfully, Align goals to priorities, Focus on desired outcomes.
Habit 3
Put First Things First®
Execute strategy, Apply effective delegation skills, Focus on important activities, Apply effective planning and prioritization skills, Balance key priorities, Eliminate low priorities and time-wasters, Use planning tools effectively, Use effective time-management skills.
Habit 4
Think Win-Win®
Build high-trust relationships, Build effective teams, Apply successful negotiation skills, Use effective collaboration, Build productive business relationships.
Habit 5
Seek First to Understand Then to Be Understood®
Apply effective interpersonal communication, Overcome communication pitfalls, Apply effective listening skills, Understand others, Reach mutual understanding, Communicate viewpoints effectively, Apply productive input and feedback, Apply effective persuasion techniques.
Habit 6
Synergize®
Leverage diversity, Apply effective problem solving, Apply collaborative decision making, Value differences, Build on divergent strengths, Leverage creative collaboration, Embrace and leverage innovation.
Habit 7
Sharpen the Saw®
Achieve life balance, Apply continuous improvement, Seek continuous learning.


Friday, July 8, 2011

Complete & Finished

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words  'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's easy to understand:
Some people say there is no difference between  COMPLETE & FINISHED,  but there is:
When you marry the right one, you are  COMPLETE....

And when you marry the 
wrong one, you are  FINISHED.....

And when the 
right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...

COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Success of Marriage

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.

Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "


Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.

Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.

My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again.

This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" ..

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."

Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after. "

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Fun with Tintumon

Dad to Tintumon: When I beat you how did you control your anger?
Tintumon: I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Tintumon: I clean it with your tooth brush.


Dad: Do u know how 2 swim?
Tintumon: No.
Dad: A dog is better than u! It can swim.
Tintumon: So do u know how 2 swim?
Dad: For sure!
Tintumon: Then, what's the difference between u and a dog?


Tintumon called FM radio & said
"I've found a purse with Rs.15000/- a credit card & an ID card of Mr.Mani, No.13,Halls rd,kannur….
Radio jocky : How honest ….so you want to return his purse…?
Tintumon : no……. i just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him…


Father and tintumon were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.
The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and tintumon was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Dad," tinumon said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up …"
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" Tintumon finished.


Tintumon was asked to write a sign board for the traffic near the school.
He wrote"Drive carefully! Don't kill the students, wait for the teachers"


Prof.: Chemical symbol of Barium?
Tintumon:BA
Prof.: For Sodium?
Tintumon:NA
Prof.: What will we get if 1 atom of Barium & 2 atoms of Sodium combines?
Tintumon:"BANANA"

The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program.
“There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning,Wouldn’t it be better to hear one at a time?”
Tintumon shouted, “Okay – you start.”


Teacher: Imagine u r a millionaire. Write ur life history.
Tintumon didn’t write.
Teacher: why are you not writing?
Tintumon : I’m waiting 4 my secretary 2 take notes….



PASSIVE VOICE

teacher: Write the passive voice of " I made a mistake"
Tintumon: " I was made by a mistake"


PROFESSOR
 
A professor to tintumon: "what is attention deficit hyperactive disorder?"
Tintumon: "JIMBALAKDI PAMBA"
professor: "I don’t understand anything"
Tintumon: "same 2 you"


PTA Meeting

Tintumon: Dad, there is a small PTA meeting at school tomorrow…..
Dad: Wat do u mean by a small PTA meeting ?
Tintumon: its… just u, me & the Principal !


Techy Tintumon

Teacher: Write a C program to prevent TITANIC from sinking..
Tintumon:Declare the variable TITANIC as float…!

 

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

GOD's finest creations...

*1 . (Whatever)*

*Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why dont we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time i got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why dont we have Si Chuan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Si Chuan, today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhoea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..*

**

*2. (Anything)*

*Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe' and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything*

**

*3. (You decide)*

*Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The Bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: Ok we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: Eat what?
Women: Anything...*

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Assignment

 
Timmy:   Daddy Daddy... 

Dad:  Yes Timmy ! 

Timmy: Daddy, I've got an assignment to write for school. Will you help me? Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 

Dad: Oh ! Okay !! What's yr assignment on? 

Timmy: Love ! 

Dad: Wow ! You have an assignment on it ? In my days, the teachers were against our er... assignments ;) 

Timmy: No Dad, we are supposed to write something on the meaning of love...its Valentines day, na ! 

Dad: Love...hmm lemme see ! 

Timmy: wait..wait... Lemme write it down... :) 

Dad: Love... Love is about Lies ! 

Timmy: Lies ??? 

Dad: You see, Timmy... All my life, i have said lies in love & i've found it to be the best gift you can give a person. 

Timmy: How, Dad? 

Dad: Well, the first time i met yr was for a Valentines day 7 yrs ago. She was not the hottest of chicks in college, if you know wt i mean... 

Timmy: Hot chick ? 

Dad: You get it in due time, son... ;) 
Anyways... i saw this cute girl standing at a corner of the dance floor. I heard one of my friends say that she couldn't get any date for the party. 
So here i was, cursing my luck as my date's grandmom expired n that left me in the same predicament ? 

Timmy: Pedica ?? 

Dad: Predicament...means..eh, problem ! 

Timmy: Oh... 

Dad: So i went upto yr Mom n told her.."Hey, How come such a beautiful lady like you does not have all the guys crooning over you?" 
Now, i knew very well that even i wouldn't have asked her to dance if i had a choice, but it was that one little lie that got us together ! 

Timmy: But Dad, aint it bad to lie ? 

Dad: Son, sometimes you have to lie to make the ppl you love happy ! 

Every Valentines day after that, i used to tell yr mom that she was the most beautiful girl in the whole world. 

Now yes, i think she's cute & pretty in a special kind of way, but you tell me...Do you think she has the legs of Sharon Stone and the figure of Alicia Silverstone ? 

Timmy: Eh... I dont know any of these stones, dad ! 

Dad: Hmm.. ok...Lets just say that yr mom was just an ordinary Wilma from the Flintstones ! 

Timmy: I know Wilma ! I know Wilma !! 

Dad: Hehe... & then again... 

When yr mom was pregnant with you... she used to ask me every day how she looked ? Did she look fat ? 

Now frankly, she had gained about 30-40 pounds... & was always in one of her moods.. 

But i'd tell her.."Nooooooooooooo Honey, you are glowing ! You look fabulous !! 

Now if i told her she looked like a fat cow, it would have hurt her ! 

Timmy: Ya... 

Dad: So you see son...Love is when you say those little lies to keep someone happy ! 

ok... i've gotta go now... All the best with yr assignment... 

Timmy: Bye Dad ! 

............................ 

Timmy: Love means lying ??? Maybe i'll ask Mom 

Mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... 

Timmy: Mom..Mom... i have an assignment for school...you will help me, na ! 

Mom: Timmy, you know i'v to go out with daddy in another 1/2 hr 

Timmy: Pleaseeeeeeeee Mommy ! 

Mom: ok...Timmy. wts the topic ? 

Timmy: Eh... Love ! 

Mom: Love...Love is about knowing the goodness of a person's heart, honey ! 

Timmy: Goodness of heart ? huh ? 

Mom: Its like this...When i was in college, yr Dad used to tell me i should be in hollywood. Now i knew he was just lying, but i also knew that he dint want me in 

hollywood, but rt next to him! & when i was pregnant, i used to look so fat i looked like Santa Claus ! But yr Dad would say i was looked weak n would feed me 

everything he could find ! His lies were so dumb, i even thought i had married a stupid...but the truth is that this stupid cared enough to lie...just to make me 

happy ! 

Timmy: But... he was lying, rt ? 


Mom: Well honey...he was just being a guy  & i knew everytime that he was lying to me... but every single time, i also knew that he said those lies coz he loved 

me ! 

Timmy: Hmm... 

Mom: Ok honey... i'v to go get ready now. byeeeee 

........................ 

Assignment 

Topic : Love 

Author : Timmy 

Love... When someone lies to you n you smile... coz you know the person cares enough for ur happiness to lie to you !!! 

The End!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Presentation Skills.....

Women Friends chatting in office


Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he
lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
-
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work

Husband 1: How was your evening?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!

Moral: Presentation does matter. No matter what the reality is!!!