Dr.Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds
visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol.
As luck would have it, a petrol station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a petrol can and buy some petrol.
The attendant told her that the only petrol can he owned had been taken by
somebody, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the Doctor was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait
and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in the car that she could fill with petrol and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with
petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two men watched from across
the street.
*One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm converting my
car too."*
Monday, April 16, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Wo Jo
Sardar : Wo jo Table pe Admi betha h Usse hmari Dushmni hai
Frnd : Table pe to 4 Admi hai
Srdr : Wo jis ki Moochhein hai
Frnd : Moochein to Sab ki hai
Srdr : Wo jis k Safaid kapde hai
Frnd : Wo to Sab ke hai ,
Sardar ne Gusse me Pistol Nikali aur 3 Admion ko Mar kar bola...
Wo jo Reh Geya hai wo Hamara Dushman hai.
Frnd : Table pe to 4 Admi hai
Srdr : Wo jis ki Moochhein hai
Frnd : Moochein to Sab ki hai
Srdr : Wo jis k Safaid kapde hai
Frnd : Wo to Sab ke hai ,
Sardar ne Gusse me Pistol Nikali aur 3 Admion ko Mar kar bola...
Wo jo Reh Geya hai wo Hamara Dushman hai.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Taxes
DEAR God,
Please give me strength to pay my Income Tax, GST, VAT, CST, Service Tax, Excise Duty, Customs Duty, Octroi, TDS, ESI, Property Tax, StampDuty, Water Tax, Professional Tax, Road Tax, STT, Education Cess, Wealth Tax, TOT, Capital Gain Tax, Congestion Levy etc etc etc.
And don't forgetHafta, Donations, Bribes, Chanda etc.
If I have some money left after that I will do business.
Indian Aam Aadmi
Please give me strength to pay my Income Tax, GST, VAT, CST, Service Tax, Excise Duty, Customs Duty, Octroi, TDS, ESI, Property Tax, StampDuty, Water Tax, Professional Tax, Road Tax, STT, Education Cess, Wealth Tax, TOT, Capital Gain Tax, Congestion Levy etc etc etc.
And don't forgetHafta, Donations, Bribes, Chanda etc.
If I have some money left after that I will do business.
Indian Aam Aadmi
Friday, April 13, 2012
Grey Hair
Customer asked to the shopkeeper:
“What do you have for greying hair?”
The Shopkeeper replied: "Highest respect Sir.”
“What do you have for greying hair?”
The Shopkeeper replied: "Highest respect Sir.”
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Little book of Life
Have a firm handshake.
Look people in the eye.
Sing in the shower .
Own a great stereo system.
If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.
Keep secrets.
Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.
Always accept an outstretched hand.
Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.
Whistle .
Avoid sarcastic remarks.
Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.
Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
Lend only those books you never care to see again.
Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
When playing games with ! children, let them win.
Give people a second chance, but not a third.
Be romantic.
Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.
Don't allow the phone to interrupt importantmoments. It's there for your convenience, not the caller's.
Be a good loser.
Be a good winner.
Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
Keep it simple.
Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.
Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets
Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the one's you did.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.
Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.
Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.
Begin each day with some of your favorite music.
Once in a while, take the scenic route.
Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'
Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.
Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.
Become someone's hero.
Marry only for love.
Count your blessings.
Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.
Wave at the children on a school bus.
Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.
Look people in the eye.
Sing in the shower .
Own a great stereo system.
If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.
Keep secrets.
Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.
Always accept an outstretched hand.
Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.
Whistle .
Avoid sarcastic remarks.
Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.
Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
Lend only those books you never care to see again.
Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
When playing games with ! children, let them win.
Give people a second chance, but not a third.
Be romantic.
Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.
Don't allow the phone to interrupt importantmoments. It's there for your convenience, not the caller's.
Be a good loser.
Be a good winner.
Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
Keep it simple.
Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.
Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets
Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the one's you did.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.
Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.
Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.
Begin each day with some of your favorite music.
Once in a while, take the scenic route.
Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'
Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.
Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.
Become someone's hero.
Marry only for love.
Count your blessings.
Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.
Wave at the children on a school bus.
Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Don't Mess with Women
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever,
Don't mess with them.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever,
Don't mess with them.
Monday, April 9, 2012
The Most List
Our Birth is our Opening Balance!
Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets
Heart is our Current Asset
Soul is our Fixed Asset
Brain is our Fixed Deposit
Thinking is our Current Account
Achievements are our Capital
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade
Friends are our General Reserves
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill
Patience is our Interest Earned
Love is our Dividend
Children are our Bonus Issues
Education is Brands / Patents
Knowledge is our Investment
Experience is our Premium Account
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.
Some very Good and Very bad things ....
The most destructive habit...............Worry
The greatest Joy...........................
The greatest loss..........................
The most satisfying work..................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait.............Selfishness
The most endangered species...........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource...............Our youth
The greatest 'shot in the arm'..........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome..................
The most effective sleeping pill...................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease..............Excuses
The most powerful force in life...................Love
The most dangerous pariah........................
The world's most i ncredible computer......The brain
The worst thing to be without..................... Hope
The deadliest weapon........................
The two most power-filled words................'I Can'
The greatest asset.........................
The most worthless emotion.......................
The most beautiful attire........................
The most prized possession....................
The most powerful channel of communication.....Prayer
The most contagious spirit........................
Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets
Heart is our Current Asset
Soul is our Fixed Asset
Brain is our Fixed Deposit
Thinking is our Current Account
Achievements are our Capital
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade
Friends are our General Reserves
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill
Patience is our Interest Earned
Love is our Dividend
Children are our Bonus Issues
Education is Brands / Patents
Knowledge is our Investment
Experience is our Premium Account
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.
Some very Good and Very bad things ....
The most destructive habit...............Worry
The greatest Joy...........................
The greatest loss..........................
The most satisfying work..................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait.............Selfishness
The most endangered species...........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource...............Our youth
The greatest 'shot in the arm'..........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome..................
The most effective sleeping pill...................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease..............Excuses
The most powerful force in life...................Love
The most dangerous pariah........................
The world's most i ncredible computer......The brain
The worst thing to be without..................... Hope
The deadliest weapon........................
The two most power-filled words................'I Can'
The greatest asset.........................
The most worthless emotion.......................
The most beautiful attire........................
The most prized possession....................
The most powerful channel of communication.....Prayer
The most contagious spirit........................
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Einstein For You
Albert Einstein’s wife often suggested that he dress more professionally,
when he headed off to work.
“Why should I?” he would invariably argue.
Everyone knows me there.”
When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference,
she begged him to dress up a bit.
“Why should I?” said Einstein.
“No one knows me there
============ ========= ========= ========= =============
Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity.
“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour,”
he once declared.
“Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
That’s relativity!”
========= ========= ========= ========= ================
When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university,
one day he was going back home he forgot his home address.
The driver of the cab did not recognize him.
Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein’s home.
The driver said “Who does not know Einstein’s address?
Everyone in Princeton knows.
Do you want to meet him?”.
Einstein replied “I am Einstein.
I forgot my home address, can you take me there? ”
The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him .
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Einstein was once travelling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle,
punching the tickets of every passenger.
When he came to Einstein,
Einstein reached in his vest pocket.
He couldn’t find his ticket,
so he reached in his trouser pockets.
It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it.
Then he looked in the seat beside him.
He still couldn’t find it.
The conductor said,
‘Dr. Einstein, I know who you are.
We all know who you are.
I’m sure you bought a ticket.
Don’t worry about it.’
Einstein nodded appreciatively.
The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets.
As he was ready to move to the next car,
he turned around and saw the great physicist
down on his hands and knees
looking under his seat for his ticket.
The conductor rushed back and said,
‘Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t worry,
I know who you are. No problem.
You don’t need a ticket.
I’m sure you bought one.’
Einstein looked at him and said,
‘Young man, I too, know who I am.
What I don’t know is where I’m going. That’s why I am searching my ticket”
when he headed off to work.
“Why should I?” he would invariably argue.
Everyone knows me there.”
When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference,
she begged him to dress up a bit.
“Why should I?” said Einstein.
“No one knows me there
============ ========= ========= ========= =============
Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity.
“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour,”
he once declared.
“Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
That’s relativity!”
========= ========= ========= ========= ================
When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university,
one day he was going back home he forgot his home address.
The driver of the cab did not recognize him.
Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein’s home.
The driver said “Who does not know Einstein’s address?
Everyone in Princeton knows.
Do you want to meet him?”.
Einstein replied “I am Einstein.
I forgot my home address, can you take me there? ”
The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him .
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Einstein was once travelling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle,
punching the tickets of every passenger.
When he came to Einstein,
Einstein reached in his vest pocket.
He couldn’t find his ticket,
so he reached in his trouser pockets.
It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it.
Then he looked in the seat beside him.
He still couldn’t find it.
The conductor said,
‘Dr. Einstein, I know who you are.
We all know who you are.
I’m sure you bought a ticket.
Don’t worry about it.’
Einstein nodded appreciatively.
The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets.
As he was ready to move to the next car,
he turned around and saw the great physicist
down on his hands and knees
looking under his seat for his ticket.
The conductor rushed back and said,
‘Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t worry,
I know who you are. No problem.
You don’t need a ticket.
I’m sure you bought one.’
Einstein looked at him and said,
‘Young man, I too, know who I am.
What I don’t know is where I’m going. That’s why I am searching my ticket”
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