Attitude

This is Attitude 1) Heavy rains remind us of challenges in life. Never ask for a lighter rain. Just pray for a better umbrella. 2) When flood comes, fish eat ants & when flood recedes, ants eat fish. Only time matters. Just hold on, God gives opportunity to everyone! 3) Life is not about finding the right person, but creating the right relationship, it is not how we care in the beginning, but how much we care till the ending. 4) Some people always throw stones in your path. It depends on you what you make with them, Wall or Bridge? Remember you are the architect of your life. 5) Every problem has (n+1) solutions, where n is the number of solutions that you have tried and 1 is that you have not tried. That's life. 6) It is not important to hold all the good cards in life. But it is important how well you play with the cards which you hold. 7) Often when we lose all hope & think this is the end, God smiles from above and says, 'Relax dear, it is just a bend. Not the end. Have Faith and have a successful life. 8) When you feel sad, to cheer up, just go to the mirror and say, 'Damn I am really so cute' and you will overcome your sadness. But don't make this a habit because liars go to hell. 9) One of the basic differences between God and human is, God gives, gives and forgives. But human gets, gets, gets and forgets. Be thankful in life! 10) Only two types of persons are happy in this world. 1st is Mad and 2nd is Child. Be Mad to achieve what you desire and be a Child to enjoy what you have achieved!

Knowledge Sharing

There was this robbery in Guangzhou, the robber shouted to everyone "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you."  Everyone in the bank lie down quietly.  

This is called "Mind Changing Concept - Changing the conventional way of thinking"

 

One lady lay on the table provocatively, and the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"  

This is called "Being Professional --Focus only on what you are trained to do!"

 

When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (with only primary school edu), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and say" U  stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!".  

This is called "Experience --nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications".

 

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.  The supervisor says " wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 mil RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".  

This is called "Swim with the tide --converting an unfavorable situation into your advantage !"

 

The supervisor says " it will be good there will be a robbery every month".

This is called "Killing Boredom --Happiness is most important"

 

Next day the TV reported 100 mil was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted but had only 20 mil.  The robbers were very angry and said," we risked our lives and only took 20 mil, the bank manager took 80 mil with a snap of his finger.  It looks like it is better to be educated to be able to do this!"  

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"

 

The bank manger was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares were also now absorbed in this robbery.  

This is called "Seizing the opportunity --daring to take risk!"

Crazy not stupid

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of mental health).

He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem....no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."

Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that" The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"


Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

Beauty of Mathematics

                          1 x 8 + 1= 9

12 x 8 + 2= 98  

123 x 8 + 3= 987  

1234 x 8 + 4= 9876  

12345 x 8 + 5= 98765  

123456 x 8 + 6= 987654  

1234567 x 8 + 7= 9876543  

12345678 x 8 + 8= 98765432  

123456789 x 8 + 9= 987654321  

1 x 9 + 2 = 11 
12 x 9 + 3 = 111 
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111  
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111 
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111  
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111 
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111  
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111  
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111  
9 x 9 + 7 = 88 
98 x 9 + 6 = 888  
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888  
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888  
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888  
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888  
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888 
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888 
Brilliant, isn't it?  
And look at this symmetry:  
1 x 1 = 1 
11 x 11 = 121  
111 x 111 = 12321 
1111 x 1111 = 1234321  
11111 x 11111 = 123454321  
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321 
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321  
11111111 x 11111111 =123456787654321  
111111111 x 111111111 =12345678987654321  
Mind Boggling....  
    
Now, take a look at this...  
101%  
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:  
What Equals 100%?  
What does it mean to give MORE than100%? 
Ever wonder about those people who say they  
are giving more than 100%? 
We have all been in situations where someone wants you to  
GIVE OVER 100%...  
How about ACHIEVING 101%?  
What equals 100%in life?  
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help  
answer these questions:  
If:  
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z  
Is represented as:  
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.  
Then:  
H-A-R-D-W-O- R- K  
8+1+18+4+23+ 15+18+11 = 98%  
And:  
K-N-O-W-L-E- D-G-E  
11+14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%  
But:  
A-T-T-I-T-U- D-E  
1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%  

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:  
While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will  
get you there!        

Long Live Bachelors

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!

--Anonymous
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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde
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Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

--Scottish Proverb
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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

--Sam Kinison
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Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

--H. L. Mencken
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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:

either the car is new or the wife.

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.

--Anonymous

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary? " She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"

--Anonymous

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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

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My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

--Anonymous

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She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.

--Anonymous

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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

--Anonymous

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Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs... .."

--Anonymous
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!

--Anonymous

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."

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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled "It really works ! "

1950s version of an E-Mail

I have no idea who put this together, but it is wonderful!! 

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me, 

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn. 

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since. 

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me,Me. 

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me,Me. 

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.. 

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me. 

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp. 

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me,Me.

We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe. 

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis ;was forever in the Land That Made Me,Me. 

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led. 

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me,Me. 

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars. 

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-Ed in the Land That Made Me,Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag. 

And hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me,Me. 

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me,Me. 

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me,Me. 

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill 

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me,Me. 

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me. 

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me. 

IDENTIFY DIFFERENT CITIZENS OF INDIA

HOW TO IDENTIFY DIFFERENT CITIZENS OF INDIA :

Scenario 1

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on.

That's MUMBAI

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Scenario 2

Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on their mobiles. Now 50 guys are fighting.

You are definitely in PUNJAB !!!

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Scenario 3

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and tries to make peace.

The first two get together and beat him up.

That's DELHI

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Scenario 4

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a Chai-stall.

That's AHMEDABAD

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Scenario 5

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop because of a virus in the program.

That's BANGALORE

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Scenario 6

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense..

Peace settles in...

That's CHENNAI

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Scenario 7

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right.

You are in KOLKATA

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Scenario 8

Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes from nearby house and says, "don't fight in front of my place, go zum where else and keep fighting".

That's KERALA!

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And the best one is....

Scenario 9

Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton of beer. All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other and all go home as friends.

You are in GOA !!!

Solve this Paradox

Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees.

The student struck a deal saying, "I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court."

Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days.

Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.

The teacher put forward his argument saying, "If I win this case,as per the court of law, the student has to pay me as the case is about his non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money."

Equally brilliant student argued back saying, "If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet, So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything."

This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history.

Heights

Q. What is height of Fashion?

A: Dhoti with a zip.

Q. What is height of Secrecy?

A: Offering blank visiting cards.

Q. What is height of Active laziness?

A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

Q. What is height of Craziness?

A: Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

Q. What is height of Forgetfulness?

A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

Q. What is height of Stupidity?

A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

Q. What is height of Honesty?

A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

Q. What is height of Suicide?

A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

Q. What is height of De-hydration?

A.  A cow giving milk powder.

Q. What is Height of Kanjoosi?

A. Miser's house has caught fire and he is giving miss calls to the Fire brigade

Heaven & Hell

Once human beings led a delegation to God with a complaint: “Oh God, we are told by our spiritual seers that we should do good and not bad, because if we do good we will go to heaven, and if we do bad we will end up in hell. But how do we know that this is not just a ruse with no substance to it? What exactly are heaven and hell like? Nobody who has died has come back, so what is the proof of all this?”

God answered, “Okay, select one amongst you all, and I will send him first to hell, then back to you, and then to heaven, and once again back to you, so that you can have first-hand information about what these places look like.”

So, the delegation elected a representative, who first visited hell and came back. All the others immediately surrounded him and eagerly asked, “What was it like? Full of evil demons?”

“No,” replied the representative, “No demons out there. All humans just like us, the only difference being that they do not have elbow joints in their hands.”

“Oh,” said the others, “that means it is hell because there is no food available there.”

“On the contrary,” replied the representative, “plenty of the choicest food - all the 56 bhogs [these refer to the most delicious items in the Rajasthani Jain tradition] - are cooked and  ready and lying all over the place, available free of cost to each and every person.”

“Oh,” said the others, “that means everyone in hell must be incredibly happy people.”

“No,” corrected the representative, “remember I told you their elbow joints don’t work. So, they spend all their time and energy picking up their favourite foods, trying to put them in their mouths, but fail to do so as they cannot bend their hands, so the food falls to the other side, leaving them frustrated and hungry. They spend all their time and energy in this fruitless effort to eat all those delicacies. So, they are a very hungry, unhappy, angry lot.”

He then went to heaven, and when he returned, everyone again crowded round him and asked, “Are there angels up there?”

“No”, he replied, “they are just like those in hell, humans with no elbow joints.”

“So,” the others asked, “there is no difference between hell and heaven?”

“Yes, there is,” replied the representative, “in heaven, each one picks up the 56 bhogs and feeds it to the other.”