Wife's Love...

This Guy plays his Final Innings ... !

    

 A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. 

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. 

 

 With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. 

 

 There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. 

 

 Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 

 

 Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly

smacked with a spatula by his wife. 

"Stay out of those," she said, 

"They're for the funeral"

Food Shortage

A world survey recently conducted by the U.S. posed the following question.'Could you please give us your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?' 
It was a huge failure due to the following reasons.

In Africa,no one knows what 'food' is.
In western Europe, no one knows what 'shortage' is.
In Eastern Europe, no one knows what 'opinion 'is .
In South America, no one knows what 'please' means.
In America no one knows what 'rest of the world' means!

Facebook

काम वाली बाई 
एक दिन अचानक 
काम पर नहीं आई 
तो पत्नी ने फोन पर डांट लगाईं 
अगर तुझे आज नहीं आना था 
तो पहले बताना था 
  
वह बोली - 
मैंने तो परसों ही 
फेसबुक पर लिख दिया था क़ि 
एक सप्ताह के लिए गोवा जा रही हूँ 
पहले अपडेट रहो 
फिर भी पता न चले तो कहो 
  
पत्नी बोली = 
तो तू फेसबुक पर भी है 
उसने जवाब  दिया - 
मै तो बहुत पहले से फेसबुक पर हूँ 
साहब मेरे फ्रेंड हैं ! 
  
बिलकुल नहीं झिझकते हैं 
मेरे प्रत्येक अपडेट पर 
बिंदास कमेन्ट लिखते हैं 
मेरे इस अपडेट पर 
उन्होंने कमेन्ट लिखा 
हैप्पी जर्नी, टेक केयर, 
आई मिस यू, जल्दी आना 
मुझे नहीं भाएगा पत्नी के हाथ का खाना 
  
इतना सुनते ही मुसीबत बढ़ गयी 
पत्नी ने फोन बंद किया 
और मेरी छाती पर चढ़ गयी 
गब्बर सिंह के अंदाज़ में बोली - 
तेरा क्या होगा रे कालिया ! 
मैंने कहा -देवी ! 
मैंने तेरे साथ फेरे खाए हैं 
वह बोली - 
तो अब मेरे हाथ का खाना भी खा ! 
  
अचानक दोबारा फोन करके 
पत्नी ने काम वाली बाई से 
पूछा, घबराये-घबराए 
तेरे पास गोवा जाने के लिए 
पैसे कहाँ से आये ? 
  
वह बोली- सक्सेना जी के साथ 
एलटीसी पर आई हूँ 
पिछले साल वर्माजी के साथ 
उनकी कामवाली बाई गयी थी 
तब मै नई-नई थी 
जब मैंने रोते हुए 
उन्हें अपनी  जलन का कारण बताया 
तब उन्होंने ही समझाया 
क़ि वर्माजी की कामवाली बाई के 
भाग्य से बिलकुल नहीं जलना 
अगले साल दिसम्बर में 
मैडम जब मायके जायगी 
तब तू मेरे साथ चलना ! 
  
पहले लोग कैशबुक खोलते थे 
आजकल फेसबुक खोलते हैं 
हर कोई फेसबुक में बिजी है 
कैशबुक खोलने के लिए कमाना पड़ता है 
इसलिए फेसबुक ईजी है 
  
आदमी कंप्यूटर के सामने बैठकर 
रात-रातभर जागता है 
बिंदास बातें करने के लिए 
पराई औरतों के पीछे भागता है 
  
लेकिन इस प्रकरण से 
मेरी समझ में यह बात आई है 
क़ि जिसे वह बिंदास मॉडल समझ रहा है 
वह तो किसी की कामवाली बाई है 
जिसने कन्फ्यूज़ करने के लिए 
किसी जवान सुन्दर लड़की की फोटो लगाईं है 
सारा का सारा मामला लुक पर है 
और अब तो मेरा कुत्ता भी फेसबुक पर है  

Escaping realities

A nature lover and engineering professional, camped in the heart of the African jungle, were discussing their expedition.

"I came here," said nature lover, "because the urge to travel was in my blood. City life bored me, and the smell of exhaust fumes on the highways made me sick. I wanted to see the sunrise over new horizons and hear the flutter of birds that never had been seen by man. I wanted to leave my footprints on sand unmarked before I came. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What about you?"

"I came," the engineering professional replied, "because my son was taking saxophone lessons at home."

Head of the family

It is said that Husband is the head of the family.

But remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.

This is why I don't like visiting my rich friends

This is why I don't like visiting my rich friends:

Once when visiting a very rich friend of mine,the maid approached me and asked me.

1- Question :What would you like to have for a drink, fruit juice, soda,
tea, hot chocolate, cappuccino, frappuccino or coffee?

Answer: Tea please.

2- Question : Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea,
iced tea or green tea ?

Answer : Ceylon tea please

3- Question : How would you like it? black or white?

Answer : White

4- Question : Milk or fresh cream?

Answer : With milk

5- Question :Powdered milk or fresh milk ?

Answer : Aah , fresh .

6- Question :Goat's milk or cow's milk?

Answer : cow's milk please .

7- Question : Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?

Answer: umm , think I'll just take it black

8- Question : would you like it with a sweetener, sugar or honey or without?

Answer : with sugar

9- Question : beet sugar or cane sugar ?

Answer : cane sugar

10- Question : white, brown or yellow sugar?

Answer: Oh ya , forget about the tea , just give me a glass of water
instead.

11- Question : mineral water , tap water or distilled water?

Answer : mineral water

12- Question : flavoured or non-flavoured?

Answer : I think I'll just die of thirst!

13- Question : How do you choose to die sir?

Amitabh Bachhan Calls Rajanikanth's Bluff........

Rajnikanth was bragging to Amitabh Bachchan one day, "You know, I know everyone.

Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting,Amitabh called his bluff, "OK,Rajini how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"Rajini said. So Rajini andAmitabh fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, And sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts: ---

"Thalaiva! Great to see you! You And your friends come right in and join me for lunch!" ...Although impressed,Amitabh is still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tellsRajini that he thinksRajini knowing Cruise was Just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else"Rajini says

.."President Obama",Amitabh quickly retorts

..."Yes",Rajini says, "I know him."

And off they go.

At the White House, Obama spotsRajini on the tour and motions him, saying :----

"Rajini, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and Catch up".

Well,Amitabh Bachchan is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope,"AmitabhBachan replies ..."Sure!" says Rajini,

"My folks are from Italy and I've known the Pope a long time".

Rajini and Amitabh are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Rajini says,

"This will never work.

I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.

Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican ..

Sure enough, half an hour laterRajini emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the timeRajini returns, he finds that Amitabh Bachchan has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way toAmitabhBachchan's side, Rajini asks him, "What happened?"

AmitabhBachan looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the pope came out on the balcony and the 
Italian man next to me asked,
*
*
*
"Who's that on the balcony with Rajini?"

Dying Granny

A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter: "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash".

The granddaughter replied : "WoW!!" 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it??"

Granny says with her last dying breath.....*"It's on my Facebook."

Kids...:-)

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
 
"No!" the children all answered.
 
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
 
Again the answer was "No!"
 
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
 
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"


---------------------------



“Now, Joseph,” said the teacher to the aggressive youngster, “what do you think your classmates would think of you if you were always kind and polite?”
 
“They’d think they could beat me up,” promptly responded Joseph.
 

Punjabi ABC

This one's not just for Punjabis but for all those who have faced 'Punjlish'.

A is for Aiscreame

B is for Backside, and it has nothing to do with your butt. It is an instruction to go to the rear of a building, or block, or shop or whatever.

C is for Cloney and its not a process for replicating sheep, nor is its first name George. It is merely an area where people live e.g. 'Defence Cloney'.

D is for the proverbial 'Dangar da Puttar'

E is for Expanditure, the spending of money

F is for Fackade, and even though it sounds like a bad word it is actually just the front of a building (with backside being the back, of course). 

G is for Gaddi, and the way a Punjabi can pilot his gaddi puts any F1 driver to shame. (If the Grand Prix does come to Delhi there's no way Hamilton, Alonso or Kimi can overtake Balvinder, Jasvinder or Sukhvinder's taxi.)

H is for 'Ho Jayega Ji', and the moment you hear that you have to be careful because you can be reasonably sure it's not going to happen.

I is for Intzaar, and to know more about it see P..

J is for Jutt, which every Punjabi seems to be.

K is for Khanna, Khurana, etc, the Punjabi equivalent of the Joneses (e.g.'Keeping up with the Khuranas ji')

L is for Loin, the king of the jungle

M is for 'Mrooti', the car that an entire generation of Punjabis were in love with.

N is for 'No Problem Ji.' To find out how that works see H.

O is for Oye, which can be surprise (Oyye!), a greeting (Oyy!), anger (OYY!) or pain (Oy oy oy...).

P is for Punj Mint, and no matter how near (1 km) or far (100 km) a Punjabi is from you he always says he'll reach you in punj mint (5 minutes...).

Q is for Queue, a word completely untranslateable into Punjabi.

R is for Riks, and a Punjabi is always prepared to take one (risk), even if the odds are against him.

S is for Sweetie, Sunny, Simmi and Sonu, who seem to own half the cars in Delhi . (The other half by their Pappas - like 'Sweetie de Pappa di Gaddi')

T is for the official bird of Punjab : Tandoori Chickun.

U is for when you lose your sex appeal and become 'Uncul-ji'

V is for VIP phone numbers @ Rs 15 lakh and counting.

W is for Whan, as in 'Whan are you coming, ji?'

X is for the many X-rated words that flow freely in Punjabi conversations.

Y is for 'You nonsanse', when anger replaces vocabulary in a shouting match.

Z is for Zindgi which every Punjabi knows how to live to the fullest.